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Month: March 2016

Causeway Street Podcast: Episode 35

Causeway Street Podcast: Episode 35

This week’s podcast titled “What’s the Scenario” takes a look at the Celtics as they head into their daunting road trip out West. Plus, a little explicit talk about Phife, Jae Crowder, and free agency.

As always, they shout out The Open Field at the end. Happy to announce the newest episode of this great blog.

Plug in, and enjoy your Thursday.

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ROUNDTABLE: D’Angelo Russell Edition

ROUNDTABLE: D’Angelo Russell Edition

Zero.

No, I’m not talking about how many calories are in the worst version of Sprite.

I’m not talking about that guy with the “can i touch it?” hair from Holes, or my chances at landing the non-plastic Jenner sister.

And I’m not even talking about the number on D’angelo Russell’s Ohio State jersey.

Zero, as in the amount of people who trust D’angelo Russell right now.

And if young Metro don’t trust you….


 

But is the lack of trust in the young Laker merited? Probably. After all, the rookie filmed a teammate as he admitted to cheating on his fiance (more on that to come). Russell claimed he made the video as a snapchat prank and the video was somehow hacked off of his phone. Still, the responsibility lies with him. In a day and age where “nudes” is common vernacular, Russell has no excuse for his actions. In the words of my ex-girlfriend, “delete it, now!”

What about Mr. Nick Young? Is he stupid, or just a scumbag? Yep, the answer is both. There is one place in sports where anything goes. The locker room. Nick Young could say, “Honestly, Hitler had a point” and if he were in the locker room, it would be okay. But instead, he let it slip in a hotel room. Hotels are places you go to when you want to experiment with hard drugs. They’re a place for cheating fathers (ironic) to stay at. Ask Buddy from Friday Night Lights. Hold on, I don’t want to forget to call Nick Young a scumbag again. Good for you guy, you bragged about borderline illegal sexual conquests to a kid who can’t even buy booze yet. That’s exactly what we want young men to learn today, that its cool to cheat on your fiance.

INGLEWOOD, CA - AUGUST 24: Singer Iggy Azalea and Nick Young arrive at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum on August 24, 2014 in Inglewood, California. (Photo by Gregg DeGuire/WireImage)
INGLEWOOD, CA – AUGUST 24: Singer Iggy Azalea and Nick Young arrive at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards at The Forum (Photo by Gregg DeGuire/WireImage)

Anyways, I’m going to have three esteemed colleagues of mine join in on this one. We’re going to rank some people/things on in order of who is at fault the most here. Here is my list: (most at fault, to least at fault)

    1. Nick Young: The only thing worse than cheating on your fiance? Bragging about it to a 20 year old, while checking some emails, and listening to E! If you don’t want to get caught cheating, don’t cheat. Or at least don’t tell anyone about it.
    2. The Dude who leaked the video. I mean, come on man. If that is your form of income then seriously, go step barefooted on a lego. Cali just raised minimum wage to $15 an hour, get a real job. Stop ruining lives to make a quick buck.
    3. D’angelo Russell: Bruh. Very risky prank to pull here. Too many things can go wrong. The cost-benefit of this prank just isn’t worth it. Scaring Nick Young<Getting phone hacked.
    4. Snapchat: This form of media crack is somewhat guilty here. I’m hooked. I check snapchat 30 seconds after I just checked snapchat. I follow Drama from Fantasy Factory for no reason. The irony here is that if Russell had posted this to snapchat, it would be deleted after a 24 hours anyways. This video is here to stay
    5. NBA: I would pay Russell’s rookie salary just to hear Iggy say “put another shrimp on the barbie!” And Nick Young cheated. Probably because his FU money creates an ego so large that he simply has to cheat on his wife to be. This is the NBA environment. Also, what two geniuses decided to assign Young and Russell to a room?


 

Shaun’s MOST AT FAULT list

1.If you are 30 years old and you refer to yourself as “Swaggy P,” you are worse than a womanizing cheater. If you are 30 years old and you are a cheating womanizer that calls himself “Swaggy P,” then you deserve death by a million papercuts.  You suck.    I have hated Nick Young forever, which seems to be a common theme for me in all my Open Field pieces – there are a LOT of people that I have hated for a LONG time.  It’s just the way it is.  But there is a real part of me that actually thinks “serves you right, dude.”  Like I know this isn’t how I would have liked to see him get caught – a TMZ camera right up his ass as he leaves a club at 4:00am would have been a lot more satisfying, but still.  If you’re a cheater, then you’re a cheater, and nothing good deserves to happen for you.  I think as a punishment, God should strike down his rage and give Nick Young a jump shot that only goes in 30% of the time, but also give Nick Young a brain that decides to shoot 35 times a game, so it basically embarrasses him for the rest of his career as a complete joke.  And then let’s put him on one of the worst teams in the league, so that he also has to suffer losing while he can’t shoot.  That’ll show him… oh wait.

2.D’Angelo Russell just validated every miserable old person’s argument that “your damn generation and their phones – put ‘em down!” Thanks a lot, D’Angelo.  Does this really need to be on camera?  Look, I get that this was a tough choice here because Nick Young sucks and is a loser (see: section 1) but it is either we put the damn phone down and let him brag about dumb stuff and save our career in Los Angeles, or we ruin any and all trust for the rest of our career just to out the guy.  Now, I don’t want Russell in my locker room.  Might be snapping pics of me in the bathroom, catching me in some compromised situations (e.g.: pooping).  Put the damn phone down, dude.  There is no way you can break this news without looking like a damn snitch.  I don’t even want to brainstorm a way for you to get this news to Iggy to help you out, because then anyone reading it would be like “damn, Shaun would totally rat me out if I said some stuff to him.”  You can’t be asking guys what they do on their own time and blowing up their spot.  Also, Snapchat videos can only be 10 seconds long.  Sweet attempt at claiming this video came from a hack in the app.  We all have our phones in our hands 24/7 because we are shitty young kids, just like you.  We know better.  Take your gross eyebrows and get out of dodge for a while.  Lay low, son.

(In the end, after thinking about it, I’m not really mad at D’Angelo.  Any and all cheaters deserve the worst.  Awful situation, but we can’t REALLY blame D’Angelo here, at least I’m not going to.  Satirical note – if you take this as actual anger towards D’Angelo, or you hate him now, you might be kinda of a crappy person)

This list ends with these two jabronis.  There is no one else at fault here.  Maybe Iggy for hanging around this clown, or the 19-year old girl sneaking all up in the club to get a smooch on Young, but meh – I’d do the same if I was a hot chick hanging around an NBA stud.  Just kidding, I would totally be home doing homework.  Stay strong, Iggy.  No one deserves that kind of awful embarrassment.


Jake’s MOST AT FAULT list

1.Fuck you old people – I am 7000% in on enjoying Russell’s stupidity on this one and moreover, don’t you dare think, even for a second, that there wasn’t some karmic force at play for Nick Young here – you don’t get to date a chick dissed in a Macklemore (FUCKING MACKLEMORE) song and get away with it

2. Is Russell Trustworthy? I guess that depends on your observances of social media’s power // tendency to agree with crusty white people on the idea that millennials are the dawn of death to America and the world at large. I’ll just kindly remind you before going forward that the generation(s) claiming such things lay in kinship with both current Republican frontrunners and that the sack of used condoms who poisoned Flint’s water supply (who will go unpunished) with the figurative backing of legislative prowess leased from grubby hands of other such esteemed baby boomers.

3.So like – Russell, obviously, is an idiot. He shouldn’t have done this but, you know, boo.fucking.whoo. Unwritten rules aside – we’re talking about a thirty year old going by Swaggy P talking about fucking 19 year olds – engaged to a girl who was dissed in a FUCKING MACKLEMORE song. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. Do you with your security detail leaving the Staples Center young Russell – your career in LA might be over but guess what this is America and as long as you’re not a homosexual playing (trying to play) in the NFL literally no one is going to give a fuck what you did in six months. Just chill.

4. Get the man some goggles!

5


 

Mikey’s MOST AT FAULT list

 

  1. Kobe Bryant is the clear loser in this situation IMO, just because I don’t have a soundbite yet on his opinion. This season is about HIM GODDAMNIT, PAY ATTENTION TO HIM
  1. The NBA – In all seriousness, this is a bad look for the league. It was already the most scrutinized sports league in the world when the subject of player maturity comes up, with its obvious lack of ability to find a suitable minimum age requirement. Constantly there are dickheads on TV talking about how “guys need time to grow” and the obvious counterargument “RIGHT TO GET PAID FOR WORK” that turns the whole fucking thing into a shouting match.
  1. The Los Angeles Lakers – This offseason was already going to be an uphill battle for the Lakers. The booming cap, coupled with their low payroll and large market, gave the team optimism that this summer might see them land a few mega stars and be thrust immediately back into relevancy. However, this coldsore on the lip of the chick who used to be hot in highschool, but maybe took a few too many L’s (or D’s amirite) during the past year, is just one blemish too many. I doubt they end up with any notable names in free agency, because fuckkkkkkkk wanting to walk into this shitstorm.
  1. D’Angelo Russell – Man, just…. Grow up? Tough for me to say, I had Ramen Noodles for dinner last night. But, then again, I waited a full 4 years of college before I left…

iggy-azalea-nick-young-bbmas-2014-carpet-billbaord-650-636x330

 

 

by The Open Field Staff (led by Matt)

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DJ Khaleds moobs – how to re – read your favorite book

DJ Khaleds moobs – how to re – read your favorite book

Writers note: What.The.Fuck

This is DJ Khaled (real name Khaled Khaled).

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This is Evan Spiegel who – if you’re unaware (it’s unlikely – but less so than being unawares to who the man above gnawing on a neck full of chains is) turned down a 3 billion dollar acquisition offer from Facebook in the fall of 2013…in exchange for…Snapchat.

Miranda+Kerr+Catches+Flight+LAX+New+Boyfriend+E6EyAl_KNdvl

Evan’s in the white – that’s his girlfriend in the…jeans. Here’s a more recent picture of his girl – err, Miranda Kerr.

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She’s Australian. That’s all I’ve got…seems to be doing pretty well for herself…not sure what else I can proffer without fluffing. So, yeah, great stuff, Ev…looks like things are going all right. We are fucking PULLING for you, man.

____

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This is a real conversation I took part in last night (blue bubble). If you’re between 14-25 there’s no explanation necessary – Mr. Khaled is, as they say, around. It’s not going to last more than a week or so – but a large part of his current focus on snap stories is his #22daysvegan which involves, more and more, a vigorous – ish workout regimen in his masterfully groomed garden, lawn or whatever.

Disclaimer: I’m aware that Khaled will never stop on his journey for more success ie. the #22daysvegan will last #22days — more than a week or so pertains to the….hype machine.

In any event – he’s got moobs, fucking moobs, and they’re bouncing around – and I’m fucking riveted – and he’s got a medicine ball and a skinny white trainer and a personal chef and bunch of other shit. This matters because he had snapchat for like three fucking months before being invited to meet Spiegel at Snapchat headquarters. Here’s a human-ish clip of Khaled for you. (13:30).

Nardwuar doesn’t need any particular introduction and it likely goes without saying his best quality is being so pasty white whilst mainly interviewing rappers. The time spot in question sees Nardwuar ask Khaled about his snapchat involvement – the price of the acquisition turned down is debated (it was 3 bil – they’re both technically wrong in the video) as the stocky bearded tune maker grows doe eyed and wooed of voice in talking about how he looked in Evan Spiegel’s eyes (remember – he’s fucking fucking Miranda Kerr) and asked how he turned down the money – only to be laughed at.

“He’s gotta know something we don’t. I would’ve took the money.”

(this is not a serious quoting but I think you probably get the point give or take a few words)

What does it mean? It means that I get ribbed at work at least once a week for being a millennial. I don’t know what the fuck this is supposed to mean – I just turned 24 – I can use an iPhone – and every time I watch Khaled’s snapchat I see the same three things…one of which is any number of kids who look to be between 12 and 17 (can anyone fucking tell how old kids are anymore? I feel like it’s a long stream of bike riding little assholes pelting their little brothers with water balloons and total disregard for oncoming traffic) screaming Khaled catch phrases while he’s on the stair master sweating like a ham the dog just pissed on or sticking his head out of a black car en route to screaming at a crowd of mollified beach town kids suckling for a drip of a massive ACE bottle like John Stewart stumbling around looking for 1997.

The message has something to do with instant satisfaction – something that gets eroded by situational detail combing when re-reading your favorite book, watching the movie again, or….watching Khaled slam a medicine ball in front of the LIIIOOON! for the fifth time in an hour among moderate insomnia.

Seriously tho? The moobs – the guy is working – I hope he’s serious about all the I will never stop – ing.

Whatever.

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A Night Of Redemption And Disappointment

A Night Of Redemption And Disappointment

There were two United States Men’s National Team games yesterday. One was good. One was bad.

The Good

The senior national team went full Mel Gibson in Payback against Guatemala in Columbus, avenging their horrendous loss to the same team just four days earlier, doling out a 4-0 drubbing to the La Azul y Blanco. Dempsey, Cameron, Zusi, and Atlidore were all on the scoresheet. Hometown Hero Ethan Finlay was denied a dream goal by a horrendous offside call – us USMNT fans call this being CONCACAF’d. And 17 year-old wonderkid Christian Pulisic – he plays for Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga – became the youngest American to play in a World Cup Qualifier, which ties him to the United States forever and always.

With this win the USMNT swung from fighting for their qualification lives to having the chance to wrap up a spot in the Hex with two wins in September. Such is World Cup Qualification.

It is bittersweet for many Yanks fans as it all but ensures we will be going to Russia 2018 with Klinsmann at the helm. Unless he totally goes against all evidence he has thus far provided by championing a consistent formation, and playing our guys in their natural positions, it will be a nervy World Cup Qualification and Tournament proper (assuming we achieve qualification). At the very least, we are able to bypass the dread of Hex qualification failure. That is good.

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The Bad

The U23s – or Lil’ Nats as I like to call them (some like to call them the Baby Nats but that should only be reserved for U20s and below IMHO) – flammed out of their last hope for Olympic Qualification in rolling over for Colombia in Frisco. Giving up 70% of possession is never a good idea, and committing terrible turnovers and various other bad decisions makes it damn near impossible to win. We did those things and lost.

The match was super chippy, as is expected against any Central or South American side, but the US could not hold their composure, receiving two red cards – although the game was pretty much over beforehand anyway. The U23 side came in needing to win or draw 0-0 to progress. That was too tall a task for our boys. Horvath made a few fantastic saves in goal to keep hopes alive, but poor passing and defensive letdowns made it only a matter of time before Colombia took total control.

It is sad enough for us fans that we do not get to cheer on the USA men in Rio, but the worst part is that this group of players are missing out on a high level international tournament that would have provided experiences and challenges not found elsewhere. That is bad.


 

In all, the highs and lows of last night pretty well sum up what it is like to root for the USMNT. (Getting two USA Soccer games in one night, which occurred twice in four days, was amazing. I feel sorry for those who felt watching the GOP Town Hall/Shit Circus was a better way to spend their evening.) We talk ourselves into the promise of young talent, and are encouraged by the progress we have made as a soccer nation. And then we are hit with the extreme disappointment of failing to live up to expectations, and missing golden opportunities to develop towards where we all think we should be. Well, that’s sports. And, really, that’s life.

But we won’t give up. We love our players and teams and country. We will always scream till our lungs shutter, and we will continue to hope against all odds. We are compelled; we are called; we are hopelessly devoted.

Come on you Yanks.

 

 

by Michael H.

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Sick and F*cking Tired

Sick and F*cking Tired

(Warning: extremely inappropriate/offensive language and very rash reactions that may or may not be coherent follow.)

(Editors Note: He isn’t kidding)


 

I am so sick and fucking tired of this bullshit. Guatemala. Fucking Guatemala?! Are you fucking serious? Carlos Fucking Ruiz?! Dude would cheat to win a fucking senior citizen bingo tournament. AND HE SCORED ON US. ON TIM HOWARD. When did Tim Howard turn into a fucking matador?

usa

 

It looked like we had never seen a fucking soccer ball before. It looked like we were playing fucking kickball. OH LOOK HERE’S THE BALL LET’S SEE HOW FAR WE CAN KICK IT OR BETTER YET WHY NOT LET THESE FUCKERS HAVE IT AND MAKE US LOOK LIKE INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES.

 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. What else is there besides making changes? Wide sweeping changes. I care not one iota who was in the team. I care not one iota who was hurt. I care not one iota where we fucking played. You cannot lose to fucking Guatemala by two goals in World Cup Qualifying. I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOUR VISION IS OR HOW MANY GERMAN-AMERICANS YOU RECRUIT. It has been disappointing for too long. Klinsmann made some claims when he took over. He was going to change the overall style of the USMNT. We were going to attack. We were going to be technical. We were going to be exciting. NONE OF THIS HAS COME TO PASS. We are left fighting for our lives to make the Hex. We should stroll through CONCACAF. No excuse is viable. No excuse shall be permitted.

 

Instead, we are worse than before Klinsmann took over – Bob Bradley looks like Jesus on the touchline compared to this. I don’t give a fuck if we won a few games against European competition when their best players were in the skybox or on a beach somewhere laughing at us Yanks playing against their backups. I don’t give a fuck if he – Klinsmann – convinced Julian Green to play for the US over Germany. The Deutscher Fussball-Bund didn’t want him. He would have never sniffed the fucking pitch in a meaningful game for them. HE WAS LOANED BY BAYERN TO HAMBURGER AND PROMPTLY DEMOTED TO THEIR RESERVE SQUAD.

 

This game was a fucking atrocity. The anger steadily built within me as the match went along like Leo DiCaprio being forced to watch a fucking Hallmark TV movie. How have we taken so many giant leaps backwards? How do you let 85 year old Carlos Fucking Ruiz score on you? Where is the passion? Where is the pride? Where is any semblance of fucking responsibility to not let your fans down? Where was the fight and the “oh shit, we can’t lose to these fucking guys”? WHERE WAS THE FAMOUS AMERICAN NEVER SAY DIE SPIRIT? It wasn’t there. It was totally and absolutely absent.

 

I was personally offended. I felt like my eyes and heart were under assault. It felt like a personal attack on all the time and effort I put into supporting this team. All of us fans were betrayed. We were let down in the most distilled form of the phrase. We must demand change. We must call for fucking heads to roll. This should not be tolerated. This kind of performance should be met with disgust and the gnashing of teeth; the rending of flesh. WE DESERVE MORE. There are 300 million people in this goddamn country. Find me eleven that I can count on, US Soccer. Give us something to believe in. At the very least, give us a reason to think we can take care of business when it should abso-fucking-lutley be taken care of.

 

Fire Klinsmann. Start the U23s against Guatemala on Tuesday. Get Gyasi Zardes the fuck off of my national team. Send Tim Howard to the fucking commentary booth. Have a little self-respect, US Soccer. Otherwise, why the fuck should we care? Why the fuck should we scream and yell and spend our time and resources on you? Do something. I’m begging you. We are all begging you. Fulfill your fucking basic purpose.
How’s that for a fucking hot take?

 

by Michael H.

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Humanizing the Media – The Purpose of Podcasts

Humanizing the Media – The Purpose of Podcasts

Podcasts, for those who don’t know, are digital files made available for free internet listening via computer or portable media player. They range from new era sports talk radio all the way to pseudo-lectures and lessons on educational topics, and there is a podcast for just about every style. Comedians, authors, and even professional athletes use podcasts as a way to both grow their brand and connect more intimately with their audience.

Some important facts about podcasts (via convinceandconvert.com)

  • Podcast listening grew 23% between 2015 and 2016.
  • The same number of Americans listen to podcasts and use Twitter (57 million Americans, or 21% of us all over the age of 12)
  • Listeners of podcast consume 5 shows per week on average

 

In this new generation of Twitter and borderline unhealthy social binging, athletes have become more human, and considerably less idol. You can see what your favorite shooting guard had for lunch, read an emotionally raw tweet from the guy who just lost at the buzzer, and see Instagram photos of teams after games from the locker room. I wrote about this when Paul George got injured at the Olympic scrimmage, that you feel a deeper level of sympathy for an athlete because you know more about them off the field. You don’t see a timetable for a return from injury anymore, you now see the player post-surgery, and during the grueling training that comes alongside getting back on the court.

The podcast wave, in much the same manner, is shining a new and more personal light on the men and women who cover sports. Everyone who reads a lot of sport stories develops a liking and a disliking for certain writers, as is natural. For me, it was Brian Phillips at Grantland, and I liked him enough to follow after him in hopes of an autograph the day Grantland closed down. If he had a podcast, it would surely be one I listen to each and every day.

But, why? Why would I do that?


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I want to focus more on the sports media, and how podcasts have developed a new wrinkle into the way the common fan consumes its media. As a podcast listener myself, I started to question my own personal desire, and why I enjoy these so much. I consume everything from Bill Simmons and Channel 33, to Woj and JJ Reddick with the Vertical on Yahoo, to Barstool Sports and their conversational style. Professional podcasts, made-at-home shows, it doesn’t matter to me. I like them all.

You see, they feel at some points (or at least the good ones do) like you are getting the chance to listen into the casual and unscripted conversations that take place between important figures. They humanize the athletes and the members of the media that any fan of sport consumes along various platforms. Simultaneously, they provide the listener with intelligent and witty takes on the issues and events happening in the present scope of the world.

Back even ten or fifteen years ago, sports media was covered in a professional style, meaning that it was written factually and provided you with an honest and unbiased form of knowledge about a contest or athlete. You were left to forge your own opinion on a story. That was how it was done, and is still used, more predominantly in print media today.

Now, with the shift towards online publications and blogs, conversational style writing has emerged as a more “fun” way of consuming the media. Writers use humor, personal story, and captivating detail from first person experience to make you feel a different way. People don’t want to think anymore, they want to laugh and they want to feel like they are a part of something.

This all culminates in the members of the media themselves almost becoming a subdivision of athletes, sitting as a go-between for completely casual fans and the actual athletes themselves. They both report about the athletes and write opinionated words on them, and are personalities in their own right who have articles written about them in return. They are a new second layer of athletic fame that did not exist before they were humanized. We did not know them, we knew of them, in the past. Now, I know where Tate Frazier went to college, what Barstool Big Cat’s shower habits are, and I know way more about Juliet Litman’s obsession with Chandler Parsons than I previously even wanted to (kidding give me ALL of that).

Podcasts fit nicely in this culture of sports media because for an extended amount of time, we hear the thought process that goes behind the words we see in print. It makes things more personal. The layer of fandom stretches even further down the chain, as we no longer obsess over the athletes themselves. In fact, I can argue that personally I have listened to more hours of NBA talk than actually watched NBA games.

Where am I even going with this? I guess nowhere, because trying to describe why people love Podcasts is so difficult in general. People, in general, are changing the way they take in the world of sports and that is no surprise. I had a professor tell me once in college, before I was due to give a presentation, that telling a personal story is going to keep your audience with you. People like hearing stories about things they know and can relate to. In the case of podcasts, this is essentially the same thing. No one would want to listen to a guy read off the general statistics and box score from a game. We can do that on our own. Instead, give me someone who was there that wants to tell me how LeBron James sulked around in between time-outs. That is something I would not previously know. Give me J.J. Reddick talking to Jared Dudley about the ACC battles they used to have. That, to me at least, is an awesome way to get to know the people you watch and read.

Essentially, the point is that Podcasts are just another way for people to feel a part of the world of sports. As sport grows in America (it does every single day), so too will the media. As the media snuggles into this void between athletes and consumers, just know that they want to bring you along on the ride.

So, thank you to those who share stories. Thank you Bill Simmons for your short speech on Garry Shandling that inspired this rant this morning. I don’t believe that you just needed a glass of water. In fact, I hope you didn’t need that glass of water, because knowing that little bit about you is why we all listen to Podcasts in the first place. You have become part of the story, not someone reporting on it. A second-level superstar, in the absolute nicest way possible.

Next time you, reader of this, listens to a podcast, stop and think about the emotion and feeling you have as you do so. Ask yourself, “Why do I enjoy this?”

I know why I do.

 

By Mikey

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Judge Sarah Palin and my Humble Beginnings as a Television Showrunner

Judge Sarah Palin and my Humble Beginnings as a Television Showrunner

This week it was announced that former Alaska governor, current Donald Trump endorser, professional Tina Fey impersonator, and genuine rock star, Sarah Palin, will be getting her own television show.  Palin is no stranger to reality television since gaining popularity on her smash hit show, “the 2008 Presidential Election,” in which she and her crabby, old sidekick traveled the country yelling at plumbers.  Since then, Palin has tried her hand in a variety of different projects.  This latest one, however, is guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser.

Sarah Palin, who has no law degree or legal background, will become a television judge for controlled court cases.

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Her publicist tells us not to fret about the lack of a legal education, however, because she has the perfect qualities to be successful: she appointed judges while she was governor in Alaska, and oh yeah, she “calls it like she sees it.”

I don’t know about you, but I am sure as hell satisfied.  This show is going to be a mega success.  Perhaps you can no longer tell where I have drawn the line between serious and satire, but I am not even close to kidding when I say I love this idea.  Palin has that wonderful Kanye West-type persona where she is so incredibly self-aware of her place in American society that she will just say the most preposterous things and then laugh it off like “ehh, I know they think I’m crazy, whatever.”

Everything about this television project screams “unmitigated disaster.”  To just be a fly on the wall in that pitch meeting would have been so fascinating.

Sarah – I wanna just tell people they’re wrong!

Showrunner – But, Ms. Palin, these people are in serious legal disputes.  You can’t just yell at them if you don’t know the law.

Sarah – I know the law!  I know the Consti-TOO-tion (I can’t type her accent but you can read that as such) and I know about the law of God!

Showrunner – …throw it on TruTV and push it to 11:30pm after Impractical Jokers.

But this groundbreaking news about her new show got me to thinking that if someone can successfully pitch a television show like this, then I have to have what it takes to also successfully do the same.  So I went to work, picked up some of my favorite celebrities in America, and I think I have some ideas to pitch phenomenal television shows.  They really are all can’t-miss projects.


 

Before we begin, I present some honorable mentions:

  • Chris Berman narrating Discovery’s Planet Earth. He simply does not take a breath in between any of his sentences and so his announcing of an antelope getting chased down by a lion would be absolutely electric.  Every single animal’s fur would get compared to some random throwback NFL jersey color, and I would be so overwhelmed watching this documentary that I would break out into an instant sweat.  High energy television in your face.
  • Macaulay Culkin as the lone judge on a show like America’s Got Talent. Essentially he just tells everyone they suck, but in a much less graceful way than Simon Cowell.  Every contestant gets compared to Culkin’s career and frankly, things get really awkward when he starts crying to himself, thinking about what could have been.  Constant chain-smoking and yelling at teenagers “you think being a star is EASY?

My first big idea is to take a guy who joined the NFL as an intern, by writing a letter to any team that would hire him, and then began working as a personal assistant to some bigwigs in the league.  He is kind of like George Costanza – you know, the “assistant to the traveling secretary” – for a while, until all the old guys start dying and he just rises the ranks quickly.

The guy has no legal training, and no experience outside of the NFL in employment law.  He also never played the game at a high level.  But here’s what we do – we make him COMMISSIONER!  We let him run the whole league into the ground and give him way more power than he legally deserves.

I call it:True Life: The Roger Goodell Story

Kind of scary that this one is true…


 

Submission #2 – It is like The Bachelor, but we have Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino host it.  Literally, nothing can go wrong.

So you all know how host, Chris Harrison, typically stays out-of-the-way during the actual competition parts of filming or whatever, right?  Like he pops in for the rose ceremony and some of the other important stuff, but usually he’s just chilling in the mansion, sipping an IPA watching the show like the rest of us.

Not The Situation, dude.  We give him free reign of the house.  He just walks around with a mic attached to him like he’s Carson Daly at Spring Break circa 2000.  The women on the show are guaranteed to be creeped the hell out, and it will be must-watch television.

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Just think of the pilot episode, where there are like 25 of them running around.  The Bachelor, some hot dude with chiseled abs is in some room in the house, talking to one woman at a time.  Usually, we see the other women hanging out by the pool, getting to know each other, and occasionally professing their love for some man that they have met once for 30 seconds and he only took the offer on the show because he lost out the audition in Wedding Crashers to Bradley Cooper.

Now enter The Situation while all these women are sitting around talking.  He jumps in the pool with all of his clothes on, red solo cup in hand, and destroys Becky’s dinner gown.  She is PISSED.  She storms off.  Three other women slide away and avoid him like the plague.  He just causes complete mayhem and upsets all the women and they start crying.  The Bachelor himself comes outside like “dude, what the-?”

But you know that one night, while Crystal, the psycho girl who we all know is bound to go home soon, gets a little too tipsy at the house.  Instant night vision, a la Jersey Shore 2.0, and The Situation comes in.  He thrives in the night vision camera.  We find the two of them shacking it up and the whole premise of the show is off the rails.

And that is how The Situation could destroy The Bachelor way easier than Sarah Palin can destroy Judge Judy.


 

The last one is a pitch that I put last on this list because I really don’t think it would be an unmitigated disaster – as a matter of fact it would be a smash hit.

I think I could get 100 million viewers, easily, if I had Martha Stewart host a hip hop music video countdown show.

We could call it 106 and Peppermint Bark, or something super weird like that (big ups to BET).  She would be a star.  First off, she’s best friends with Snoop Dogg, so she instantly has some street cred.  You could just watch music videos while you listen to her soothing voice narrate what is going on in each shot.

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We have guests come on the show, and Martha critiques the presentations in their video.

You know, Mr. Nelly, those oversized, denim jeans you are wearing don’t really shout out “summer in St. Louis” to me.  Why not try something more like a baby blue?  Maybe you could even match it with the color of your Band-Aid.

Mr. 50 Cent, you have spent all of this money to spend time, as you say “in da club”, but frankly, the drapes hanging behind you in that shot look absolutely hideous with the color of the carpet you have in the place.

She would also obviously have a kitchen on set because she would need to be right at home.  We could film her brewing some pot tea with Mac Miller, perhaps.  Or the professional chef himself, Action Bronson, could stop by and whip something up.

As I brainstorm this show I see nothing but dollar signs in my eyes.  If Sarah Palin could do it, then anyone could do it.  If anyone knows the number to Television, please let me have it so I can call TV and tell them to put these on the air.  Martha Stewart would put Palin in a body bag on the ratings charts.

But also, could someone make sure The Situation is still alive.  In all seriousness, that is concerning.

 

 

by Shaun

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