This week it was announced that former Alaska governor, current Donald Trump endorser, professional Tina Fey impersonator, and genuine rock star, Sarah Palin, will be getting her own television show. Palin is no stranger to reality television since gaining popularity on her smash hit show, “the 2008 Presidential Election,” in which she and her crabby, old sidekick traveled the country yelling at plumbers. Since then, Palin has tried her hand in a variety of different projects. This latest one, however, is guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser.
Sarah Palin, who has no law degree or legal background, will become a television judge for controlled court cases.
Her publicist tells us not to fret about the lack of a legal education, however, because she has the perfect qualities to be successful: she appointed judges while she was governor in Alaska, and oh yeah, she “calls it like she sees it.”
I don’t know about you, but I am sure as hell satisfied. This show is going to be a mega success. Perhaps you can no longer tell where I have drawn the line between serious and satire, but I am not even close to kidding when I say I love this idea. Palin has that wonderful Kanye West-type persona where she is so incredibly self-aware of her place in American society that she will just say the most preposterous things and then laugh it off like “ehh, I know they think I’m crazy, whatever.”
Everything about this television project screams “unmitigated disaster.” To just be a fly on the wall in that pitch meeting would have been so fascinating.
Sarah – I wanna just tell people they’re wrong!
Showrunner – But, Ms. Palin, these people are in serious legal disputes. You can’t just yell at them if you don’t know the law.
Sarah – I know the law! I know the Consti-TOO-tion (I can’t type her accent but you can read that as such) and I know about the law of God!
Showrunner – …throw it on TruTV and push it to 11:30pm after Impractical Jokers.
But this groundbreaking news about her new show got me to thinking that if someone can successfully pitch a television show like this, then I have to have what it takes to also successfully do the same. So I went to work, picked up some of my favorite celebrities in America, and I think I have some ideas to pitch phenomenal television shows. They really are all can’t-miss projects.
Before we begin, I present some honorable mentions:
- Chris Berman narrating Discovery’s Planet Earth. He simply does not take a breath in between any of his sentences and so his announcing of an antelope getting chased down by a lion would be absolutely electric. Every single animal’s fur would get compared to some random throwback NFL jersey color, and I would be so overwhelmed watching this documentary that I would break out into an instant sweat. High energy television in your face.
- Macaulay Culkin as the lone judge on a show like America’s Got Talent. Essentially he just tells everyone they suck, but in a much less graceful way than Simon Cowell. Every contestant gets compared to Culkin’s career and frankly, things get really awkward when he starts crying to himself, thinking about what could have been. Constant chain-smoking and yelling at teenagers “you think being a star is EASY?”
My first big idea is to take a guy who joined the NFL as an intern, by writing a letter to any team that would hire him, and then began working as a personal assistant to some bigwigs in the league. He is kind of like George Costanza – you know, the “assistant to the traveling secretary” – for a while, until all the old guys start dying and he just rises the ranks quickly.
The guy has no legal training, and no experience outside of the NFL in employment law. He also never played the game at a high level. But here’s what we do – we make him COMMISSIONER! We let him run the whole league into the ground and give him way more power than he legally deserves.
I call it: “True Life: The Roger Goodell Story”
Kind of scary that this one is true…
Submission #2 – It is like The Bachelor, but we have Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino host it. Literally, nothing can go wrong.
So you all know how host, Chris Harrison, typically stays out-of-the-way during the actual competition parts of filming or whatever, right? Like he pops in for the rose ceremony and some of the other important stuff, but usually he’s just chilling in the mansion, sipping an IPA watching the show like the rest of us.
Not The Situation, dude. We give him free reign of the house. He just walks around with a mic attached to him like he’s Carson Daly at Spring Break circa 2000. The women on the show are guaranteed to be creeped the hell out, and it will be must-watch television.
Just think of the pilot episode, where there are like 25 of them running around. The Bachelor, some hot dude with chiseled abs is in some room in the house, talking to one woman at a time. Usually, we see the other women hanging out by the pool, getting to know each other, and occasionally professing their love for some man that they have met once for 30 seconds and he only took the offer on the show because he lost out the audition in Wedding Crashers to Bradley Cooper.
Now enter The Situation while all these women are sitting around talking. He jumps in the pool with all of his clothes on, red solo cup in hand, and destroys Becky’s dinner gown. She is PISSED. She storms off. Three other women slide away and avoid him like the plague. He just causes complete mayhem and upsets all the women and they start crying. The Bachelor himself comes outside like “dude, what the-?”
But you know that one night, while Crystal, the psycho girl who we all know is bound to go home soon, gets a little too tipsy at the house. Instant night vision, a la Jersey Shore 2.0, and The Situation comes in. He thrives in the night vision camera. We find the two of them shacking it up and the whole premise of the show is off the rails.
And that is how The Situation could destroy The Bachelor way easier than Sarah Palin can destroy Judge Judy.
The last one is a pitch that I put last on this list because I really don’t think it would be an unmitigated disaster – as a matter of fact it would be a smash hit.
I think I could get 100 million viewers, easily, if I had Martha Stewart host a hip hop music video countdown show.
We could call it 106 and Peppermint Bark, or something super weird like that (big ups to BET). She would be a star. First off, she’s best friends with Snoop Dogg, so she instantly has some street cred. You could just watch music videos while you listen to her soothing voice narrate what is going on in each shot.
We have guests come on the show, and Martha critiques the presentations in their video.
You know, Mr. Nelly, those oversized, denim jeans you are wearing don’t really shout out “summer in St. Louis” to me. Why not try something more like a baby blue? Maybe you could even match it with the color of your Band-Aid.
Mr. 50 Cent, you have spent all of this money to spend time, as you say “in da club”, but frankly, the drapes hanging behind you in that shot look absolutely hideous with the color of the carpet you have in the place.
She would also obviously have a kitchen on set because she would need to be right at home. We could film her brewing some pot tea with Mac Miller, perhaps. Or the professional chef himself, Action Bronson, could stop by and whip something up.
As I brainstorm this show I see nothing but dollar signs in my eyes. If Sarah Palin could do it, then anyone could do it. If anyone knows the number to Television, please let me have it so I can call TV and tell them to put these on the air. Martha Stewart would put Palin in a body bag on the ratings charts.
But also, could someone make sure The Situation is still alive. In all seriousness, that is concerning.
by ShaunFOLLOW THE OPEN FIELD