Last week, news broke about a cultural icon that is on his way to retirement…
He is regularly seen in cardboard form at about 90% of all fraternities in the United States (I have one in my basement), yet nobody knows his real name. Johnathan Goldsmith began his acting career way before Dos Equis, but those gigs were part–time rolls. In 2007, the grizzled face that carries himself with more swagger than The Diplomats at the 2003 Grammys had finally appeared.
Dos Equis execs had struck gold with the “Most Interesting Man in the World.” Everything about their marketing efforts showed, especially in today’s tech-age where Memes were created in his honor by the second. The numbers backed up the plan as well, about 5 years after their initial commercial Dos Equis was the fastest growing beer brands in the world. From 2008-2013 they experienced growth of about 116%, which placed them below Corona and Heineken in regards to the largest imported beer in the United States.
Alas, all good things must come to an end…
The beer industry has seen a crazy overhaul as young drinkers begin to emerge, and they all seem to look like this guy. I love craft beer, if you can make an amazing batch of liquid then by all means capitalism away!
The emergance of craft beer is like a thorn in the side to the likes an an Anheuser-Busch, they’ve reached a status of too big to fail. What craft beer does hurt are the imported beers that fall below the line of “super-power”. This is why “The Most Interesting Man in the World” has been asked to retire. Dos Equis announced that it would replace Goldsmith in the role as the “Most Interesting Man in the World”, saying that the brand hoped to “reboot the character in a way that’s relevant for today’s drinker so the brand doesn’t get stale.”
After hearing this heartbreaking news I first needed time to recuperate, and then I put it on myself to find the most viable option for The Most Interesting Man in the World. But what makes the interesting man so interesting? Here are 5 key attributes:
- Face (Everyone has one, most are ugly. Ability to grow beard is a prerequisite)
- Clothing (If you can’t pick up a model, covered in mud, while traversing the Serengeti…get out)
- Posture (Basic ergonomics)
- Talent (Everyone has a niche, Johnathan Goldsmith’s was looking good)
- Irresistible (I think that’s a trait? I’ll let you know when I come across it)
Now that we’ve laid down the foundation for our next man, I’ve begun to search the internet for the right prospect (what I found was usually porn, I tend to get sidetracked). After minutes of painstaking thinking I was able to rattle off several feasible replacements for the Dos Equis brand:
Justin Timberlake: This guy has got it all, I have been on record saying he is this generation’s Michael Jackson. Triple Threat to a T, he can sing, dance, and act. Now a new father to an adorable son, a beverage endorsement could be the icing on the cake for the former Mickey Mouse clubber.
Nick Offerman: Now I know that Ron Swanson would not support an imported beer, he would be too busy drinking a glass of Lagavulin 16. Nick Offerman has the look and the demeanor to say whatever it is that needs to be said, and we’ll accept it as true. #OffermanIn2020
Charlie Whitehurst: I don’t remember who said this, but when your name is “Clipboard Jesus” there is some type of allure towards you. Guy’s a rock star, and has a killer Instagram feed worthy of some “Most Interesting” shit.
Dan Bilzerian: Google him. A Lot of guns, cars, muscle, and women…Interesting indeed
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: I’d put him in the “Too Big to Fail” category, the guy is a savage. Plus my mom thinks he’s handsome (she’s not wrong, good lookin’ dude). This can could both metaphorically and physically lift your brand.
George Clooney: If this was pre-marriage I would call Vegas now, he still is my pick to who should replace the OG Interesting man. Close your eyes and see if you can seemly replace George Clooney with Johnathan Goldsmith. Clooney is a man’s man, who only waits for himself.
by KillianFOLLOW THE OPEN FIELD