i love this cardinals pick more than my entire family

i love this cardinals pick more than my entire family

Writers note: just kidding about the title – but i REALLY like this pick.

The Cardinals are a funny iteration of whatever the fuck pro football is supposed to mean these days. In most circles I suppose that…isn’t that much.

However : the Cardinals are (SHOCKINGLY) coached by a man.

What’s really shocking about, their coach, Bruce Arians? Legitimately fucking everything.

First and foremost :


The salt and pepper goatee on its own is ballsy given the hackneyed attempts at personal hygiene most NFL coaches grant themselves despite constant exposure to the media – so this tidbit of personal care relative to his location outside of the main conscience of football America makes him near a character of Bernie Sanders obscurity, kind of. But mostly – he’s wearing a beret. A fucking beret. We’re talking about a wildly successful, prescient seeming, revolutionary talking FOOTBALL COACH WEARING A FUCKING BERET.

What a time, what a time.

Also this :


Don’t know her name. Don’t know if she’s still on the staff. It literally doesn’t matter. All I know is that sometime during the Ray Rice fallout Burce Arians – HC of the Arizona Cardinals – decided to hire a woman to help coach is NFL squad. I’m 77% sure it was during precamp (pre-season, before games start, etc) and that she was on a monthly contract – but does that really matter? Probably, probably not. Part of me wants to call the whole thing inflammatory – but I can’t, because no else bothered to hire a lady during the time period. This is probably most obviously a publicity stunt given his more recent comments on “the moms of america” – but then again we live in a country that largely believes Sandy Hook didn’t happen – what the fuck are ya gonna do? Anyway – point is – lying or not, he at least feigned giving a shit amid what was briefly the largest fallout of league conduct in NFL history. S/O brady’s detached nutsack.


Know why I really really really really love Bruce Arians? The Cardinals (under his direction) are the Patriots of the west coast. I don’t have the geographical proximity to hate the cardinals – they also can’t keep a fucking QB healthy, so here we are. Anyway – the point lies in their propensity to take players who have “issues” or are “troubled” which is speak for the only reason crusty white dick bags like fat illiterate pill head chris berman still have a job. It’s unbelievable – and I feel the argument that THE ONLY THING (S) these dudes who’ve known they’re going to be or at the least have a shot to be high draft picks for like 8-14 months have to do is not kill anyone, touch a woman, or smoke weed. It’s justified, because it’s a simple fucking couple of things not to do in x no. of weeks or months pre draft, rookie camp, preseason and pay day – but really becomes obscene when clowns like stupid fat berman and cris “fall guy” carter get to talk about FUCKING ETHICAL PROPENSITIES.

As ever – this is the world we operate in, and as much as I hate to admit it – there are teams who’ve followed the Patriots model in taking fellas like this into a homey system that works – “they have problems everywhere else, but not here” – kinda scenario.

You saw it with Darnell Docket like six years ago but more importantly are seeing it with this dude, who apparently had character issues via weed smoke.


No mom and dad? Raised by grandparents? top 10 safety. There’s obviously unnatural talent in the scenario – but NO ONE ELSE would touch him coming out.


Who did the Cardinals take tonight. Robert. Fucking. Nkemdiche.


I don’t know much about him – save that he was the no.1 pick in the nation coming out of high school – he fell out of a window pretty recently, and he wants to buy a panther before setting up his mom with his first paycheck. Fuck it. Fuck the announcer clowns. Fuck perception. I’ll trust the guy publicly wearing the the beret.


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