ROUNDTABLE: Picking the “Starting 5” for each Presidential Candidate

ROUNDTABLE: Picking the “Starting 5” for each Presidential Candidate

(Editor’s Note: Summary of this article: If each presidential candidate had to create a starting 5, to play a basketball game, choosing only from their endorsers, we simulate who they should pick.)

 

As any great political analyst knows, the most important thing about a political figure is who they have backing them. Endorsements are as important to the American politician as strippers are to Rick Pitino.

With the race for the White House drawing closer with each passing day, the endorsements for these candidates grows increasingly more important to the eventual outcome.

We, the political analysts here at The Open Field, know a lot about basketball. At least, we know more about basketball than we do about politics. So, for our simpleton minds, we compiled a starting 5 (plus a head coach) for each candidate remaining. This starting 5 has to be made up of endorsers of each candidate.

Team Donald Trump – Mikey

Team Ted Cruz – Bob

Team Hillary Clinton – Shaun

Team Bernie Sanders – Killian

Few ground rules before we start. No former NBA players can be included in the list. Dennis Rodman is disqualified, as is Jason Kidd. There will be a starting 5, plus a head coach, and two assistant coaches. Also, the game will not be decided by actual playing ability. We will decide the winner based on the squad that… well… I guess we will just know who the real winner is, America.

Without further ado…



POINT GUARD

Team Donald Trump

Aaron CarterThis becomes the easiest position on the court to pick when you look at the list of Donald Trump endorsers. I don’t know if many of you have forgotten, but Aaron Carter once beat Shaq in a game of one on one. Shaq is like, really good at basketball, right? Wrong. Aaron Carter is better. That is a fact, because he won that game they played one time. Look, this one isn’t even close.

 

Team Ted Cruz

CthuluThe unique benefits of being part octopus, part man, and part dragon lend themselves particularly well to the ballhandler role. The Great Old One, Sleeper of R’lyeh, Son of Yog-Sothoth is highly capable of using his multitude of tentacles to run the court, while holding opponents at bay by devouring their souls and condemning them to endless dimensions of sleepless Hell. As a bonus, mere mortals are gripped by paralyzing fear and a downward spiral into insanity simply by gazing upon the ancient cosmic entity, which would make it difficult for them to play a solid zone defense.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

Amal Clooney – I’m going intellectual with my point guard choice because I need a floor general to control this pack of misfits. Amal quite literally makes me ask “who?” when you tell me her husband’s name after rattling off her resume. Cool, bro – you gave a C-minus performance as Batman and you spoke out against the Iraq War. So did like 80% of the rest of the country. Amal runs the entire world. #1 in my “cool lawyer” power rankings, that’s for sure. As a matter of fact, scratch this – I may just make Hillary Clinton the point guard on Team Amal Clooney. Switch them around. Amal should be the one running for President. I’ll ignore the whole British/Lebanese thing, if you guys do. Hell, we got a Canadian running in the Republican Party anyways. So, I basically have a President running my presidential basketball team. And I’m going to put asses in the seats because George Clooney will be at all the games. Good luck keeping up, everyone else.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

The Based GodLil B curses all other candidate teams. Call KD and Harden for a reference…


 

broad-city

 

Shooting Guard

Team Donald Trump

Gary BuseyEquipped with a hyper-intensity that can only be described as the opposite of James Harden at all times, Busey is going to be running the floor ALL DAY. While I can’t guarantee he will stay actually on the “court” the whole time, he won’t stop running probably until the arena closes down. This will tire out the opposition, as well as basically everyone there. If I have learned anything from the Trump campaign so far, tiring out everyone with lunacy, gibberish, and nonsense is what is making America great again. Gary Busey for shooting guard 2016! Make basketball great again!

 

Team Ted Cruz

Glenn Beck – GLENN BECK IS A GARBAGE-SPEWING IDIOT. WE PUT HIM IN THE WORST POSITION ON THE COURT AND INSTRUCTED NO ONE TO PASS HIM THE BALL, EVEN IF HE ASKS NICELY. ONCE PER HALF, WE CALL A TIME-OUT JUST SO WE CAN ALL HIT GLENN IN THE NADS.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

Abbi Jacobson/Ilana Glazer – first off, if you haven’t started watching Broad City, then I pity you, because it is the funniest show on television. Hillary was on the show last week, so she asked me to have them on the team. Also, they’re a package deal, so if anyone calls me out for cheating they can get lost. But more importantly, Hillary needs these two on her team because her campaign is incredibly boring and she needs to spice it up a bit. That’s where these two come in – the comedic equivalent of standing in the corner and just stroking three-pointers all game. Yeah, sure, maybe they play defense once in awhile but they’re here to just drain tre-bombs on everyone else. The only issue I’m sensing is that if we put Ilana with 2 Chainz, our power forward, we may never have a sober starting line up. Starting to smell like pot in our locker room… YAAAAS QUEEN.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

Bill Maher – Bill instills a certain type of over aggression that every team needs. He holds an arsenal of political information about every candidate. Something that every great player and comedian share is timing, he’ll make the big joke or make the big shot. His career has been paved by no-holds bar opinions and not giving a shit what the outside noise says (So what you’re telling me is he’s locked in). My only worry is that on Team Bernie he’ll be too high to play, become the good ‘ole fashion cynic well hold near and dear, and use 4 seats on the end of the bench to take a nap.


 

 

trailer-park-boys

Small Forward

 

Team Donald Trump

Terrell OwensI saw him play in a few celebrity all-star games, so I know he can play. Plus he’s super tall and coordinated, which is usually a good thing in basketball. T.O, as he is known to sports fans, is flashy both on and off the field. That flair, coupled with his net worth (Editors Note: Holy Shit) makes him the perfect member of Team Trump. Nothing screams Donald Trump like false impressions of wealth and ironic showmanship. Terrell Owens has both by the truck load.

 

Team Ted Cruz

All Three of the Trailer Park BoysWhen it comes to athleticism, Cruz supporters are not a particularly talented bunch. So how can we possibly match up against an iconic NFL-caliber wide receiver? Simple. Bring in extra players. Reaching back to his Canadian roots, Cruz will employ the services of Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles to fill the small forward role. Here’s to hoping they bring enough weed to sedate T.O (a tall order) and finally get Bubbles the right prescription so he can drain threes like Mr. Lahey drains a bottle of Wild Turkey on a Tuesday morning. Cheeseburgers and Zesty Mordant Chips at halftime, of course.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

Ben Affleck – quickly, everyone else: please raise your hands if you have Batman on your team… My goodness, this is starting to get sad. Hillary is running away with this one. Affleck is real bulked up now, well, because he is Batman. So I got some muscle here at the 3. He can get in the paint and bang around, but he also has the jumper to play out on the wing. Plus, he is tough. Can’t question Affleck’s toughness (well, Google Gigli and maybe you can). He’s a superhero, a bank thief, a CIA agent – much like his head coach on Team Hillary, I am so impressed with the diverse resume here. I sense that we need to work on his 3-point shot. Doesn’t strike me as a gamer from way downtown. Also, keep him away from Ilana and Abbi – trying to curb his tendencies to chase around 20-something year olds. Matt Damon is on the bench as my backup small forward, but Ben’s length and size gives him the edge to crack the starting five.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

John C. Reilly – Low center of gravity, and hair only seen during the Phil Jackson days of playing. John wears white converses, white tube socks, knee pads, team colored shorts (Team Bernie calls tie-die as our official color, yes I said color), a team colored jersey with no undershirt, rec-specs and a headband. He is the quintessential last guy gets picked on the playground, but god damn will he work. The synonym of hustle is “Reilly”; offensive rebounding, taking a charge, setting the hard screen. The sweatiest guy on the court.


 

will-ferrell-strategic-basketball

Power Forward

 

Team Donald Trump

Hulk HoganAs many of you know by now, Hulk Hogan had sex with his friend’s wife and GOT PAID $115 MILLION FOR IT (or something like that). That kind of hustle has not been seen since Aaron Craft took his rosy red cheeks out of the American spotlight. If Tommy Heinsohn awarded Tommy points for sexual deviance that would have broken the scale. Hulkamania’s powerful upper body strength, alongside his apparent inability to play basketball makes him an ideal rebounder for Team Trump. He will inevitably foul out, leaving his team to play a man down for the remaining 47 minutes of the 48 minute game, but letting his friends down due to his inability to resist his physical urges is something he has become known for. Rock on Hulk, keep grabbing ass and refusing to pass.

 

Team Ted Cruz

Ric FlairPower forward isn’t a size game. It’s a confidence one. You post up, get in your opponent’s head and you strut around there in your bedazzled fur-lined robe like you own the place. Drop some knife-edged chops when the stripes aren’t looking, “WOO!” in his ear a couple times, and tie up the Figure-Four Leg Lock the second he tries to drive the lane. Who needs wingspan when you’ve got 243 pounds of liver-spotted, golden-haired man waiting to slap you in the chest every time you grab a rebound? And the best part – winner goes him with a belt.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

2 Chainz – I’m cheating here (again), but I don’t care. Tauheed “2 Chainz/Tity Boi” Epps is one of the most charismatic, entertaining, and intelligent members of the hip hop community. He also happens to be a former Division I basketball player at Alabama State University. Standing at 6’5”, the product of College Park, Georgia will simply destroy this entire field and lead Team Hillary to victory. The tension is palpable from the other writers that compiled teams. I can feel how nervous they are to face this guy – you just can’t practice and scout him. He’s too good. If we can just keep the blunts away from him until we get to the locker room after the game, we’ll be all set. He scored 14 points against Alcorn State one time – guarantee not one of those squids on Team Trump can say the same thing.

General Manager’s Note – I wanted all rappers. I typically always want all rappers, in all walks of life. But I couldn’t do that to Hil-dawg. She’s got too much talent in her endorsement pool. But just so you know, I could have added Kanye West, Pharrell Williams, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, A$AP Rocky, Waka Flocka Flame, and freaking JA RULE to this roster and everyone else would have had to just quit and go home. Hillary has some street cred, apparently. Kudos to her.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

Will Ferrell – My front court has had a belly full of white dog shit, and they are having none of it anymore! The chemistry between Ferrell and Reilly will be like poetry in motion, Jordan and Pippen. Much like Reilly he has a low center of gravity. Will is a blue-chip prospect of an athlete, I don’t know of any person on the planet who played for 10 different MLB team in one day! Ferrell is a head case like Boogie Cousins though, it is a 100% guarantee he’ll get a technical.

Team Bernie would like to know who will be the celebrity referee? Team Bernie wishes to hire Father Pat from Semi-pro and not Marvin the Martian again, he’s too short with people. (It’s ok to laugh at a bad joke)


 

0XEXt8V

Center

 

Team Donald Trump

John DalyAthletic prowess and general ability to take up space are the main reasons behind the choosing of PGA pro John Daly for the anchor spot in the Trump line-up. He is extremely large, and represents the closest thing the world of golf has to an anti-establishment figure. He chain smokes, hits the ball a fucking mile, and lives his life in a perpetual state of “shut up, I am totally good to drive” sobriety. Trump might actually want to make Daly his running mate, seeing as though I never noticed until now that they are the exact same person. Trump and Daly, what a world.

 

Team Ted Cruz

That One Uncle Of YoursYou have an uncle that supports Ted Cruz, you just don’t know it yet. In fact, you may never know. But he’s out there. Maybe he drinks a little too much at Christmas and makes a semi-racist remark. Or maybe you’re watching football at Thanksgiving and he casually mentions how there’s no evidence that evolution is real or man-made climate change is happening. Whoever it is, he supports Cruz, and he’s playing center. Why? Because he’s a neutralizer. When he lines up across from John Daly for tipoff, you better believe they’re gonna hit it off. They’ll be smoking cigars by the end of the first quarter and nine Old Milwaukees deep by halftime. Just like that, we’ve taken the opponent’s center out of the game and opened up more space for Cthulu, Ancient Being of Smite and Demigod of Crossovers, to exploit.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

Warren Buffett – this 85-year old bought his way into the starting five and he promised us that he would buy us new jerseys and shoes if we let him play. Couldn’t say no. With that said, you couldn’t say you knew this guy was 85. He doesn’t sound like it and he doesn’t act like it. He is also a big basketball guy (I think). But the key to having Buffett on my team, is that he’s going to be an excellent locker room guy. He is selfless – he’s currently backing Hillary while calling for higher taxes for the incredibly rich (Oh, look, they actually mentioned policy in this article). Can’t teach that kind of teamwork. One of those intangible qualities that coaches love in their locker room. Buffett – great find for Team Hillary. Probably why he’s worth over $6 quadrillion or something like that.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

Ben & Jerry – With all respect to Phish, B&J are the biggest thing coming out of Vermont since maple syrup (which they’ve captured in many of their ice cream flavors). An empire nestled in New England, something that is not a rarity around these parts. With the marketing prowess of Jackie Moon and brand recognition of B&J, our fan base would experience cirque du soleil type nights with free ice cream.

 

General Manager’s Note: Big Boi, T.I., Tyler the Creator, Nas, Bun B, Chris Brown, David Banner, Killer Mike, Scarface. Classic Clinton camp, counting their chickens before they hatch and underestimating Bernie. When the foundation of your platform is covered by a thick veil of smoke you’re bound to pick up a DEDICATED following.


 

Entourage

Head Coach

 

Team Donald Trump

Mike DitkaI would have selected Bob Knight for this role, but I wanted to choose a really good coach who doesn’t NOT have a signature moustache. Mike Ditka is known primarily for endorsing upwards of 500 products , so maybe he has no idea he even endorsed Trump, but he will be coaching this team SO HELP ME GOD. His ability to make little to no sense when discussing athletics, coupled with his blind support of anything that pays him money, makes his leadership a vital part of what this team is about. No one is better equipped to handle the personalities of Team Trump than the guy who just doesn’t care as long as he is getting paid.

 

Team Ted Cruz

Texans For Fiscal ResponsibilityA star-studded team doesn’t come cheap, so we need to ensure contracts are being properly managed and our money is being spent in the most efficient way possible. That means cutting funding for all Planned Parenthood clinics and redistributing that wealth to meet our players’ wage structure. Mostly Cthulu. He’s on a solid incentive-based system.

 

Team Hillary Clinton

Robert Deniro – he’s played all of the roles. The psychotic taxi driver, the boxing champion, the brutally-difficult-to-deal-with father-in-law – you name it and he’s done it. But this is a whole new role. A chance to take this team of misfit all-stars and lead them to the promised land. He permanently entered athletic folklore in Raging Bull, but never with a whole squad like this. No one on the list of Hillary supporters seems to command the same presence on screen, except for God himself, Morgan Freeman. But Deniro edges him out just barely based on personal preference. He smokes pot with Zac Efron, so you know he’s cool. I’m sensing a pot-smoking pattern here… probably should have thought this through a little better when I put my roster together. Looks like Team Sanders also has a bunch of pot smokers too. God damn liberals…

But Deniro only gets hired if he promises me that he will cut some Hillary supporters from the team: Lena Dunham, Farrah Abraham, Perez Hilton, Jason Kidd, David Stern, and Kris Jenner. They’re listed as endorsers on Hillary’s Wikipedia, but I want them all cut. They’re bringing the team down. Adios. Also, on another tangent – how upset do politicians get when some moron endorses them? LIke Hillary sees that Farrah Abraham wants her to be President. What does she do or say? Uhh, thanks? How’s your kid doing? Got to be the most awkward feeling.

 

Team Bernie Sanders

Jeremy Piven – Basketball is not about X’s and O’s today, it’s all about managing personalities and having the room presence to convince EVERYONE that you’ve got the big swingin’ dick. Ari Gold, Jeremy Piven same deal. I really don’t know if there’s anything else to say about him? If I forgot something Lloyd will be able to fill you in. Feel the Bern.

 

 

 

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