Bernie debates the carrot : why you never fall in love

Bernie debates the carrot : why you never fall in love

Writers note: I swore off political musings until August but I also once swore off natty ice in college and that didn’t eggggzactly go as planned. 


I will start with this : I like Bernie Sanders, a lot. A whole, fucking, lot. I think he’s cool, I think he’s smart, and I think there’s something indefensibly American about crowdfunding a grassy crunch campaign in the face of Hilary’s donor backed, extortion friendly brand of Americana for white geriatric feminists (sorry mom, luh you).

That said? Under no circumstance have I ever, fucking ever, felt the bern. Anti cult as a generalist, yes, I still find modes of the extensively unappealing about preaching largely unfounded principles of FUCKING SPECULATION BACKED college funding in the face of fantastical wall building. This is to say that nothing is inherently wrong with what Sanders has been doing and, if anything, I’d call it a welcome interjection to the generally full of stale jizz couch cushion of professional politicians who exude the same care for personal freedoms as one might about the rating of an Uber driver who catches traffic en route to a first date.

The point is that Trump-ism of the Republican circus cart has, for good reason, outdone the general ridiculousness of the Democratic race. That is, until now, and if you’d been listening to me you would’ve been able to ignore the yam all along.

Bernie – smart guy he is, “for the people, people” person that he is, is sort of an asshole in his…presentation. Did you forget that he was a politician? Did your pretty little vision of non-student loan Cheesecake Factory dinners cloud the reality that he was running for president of one of the most systemically backwards countries on the entire planet? Did you forget he was fighting Hillary Clinton? Did you forget he was running opposite Donald Trump?

Normal people, no matter how Larry David caricatured they become – do not agree to do these things. You can’t, you can’t, you cannot fall in love wth a political candidate. This is exactly why.

Bernie has recently agreed to debate trump ahead of the California primary. Trump has already clinched the Republican nomination. Bernie? He’s got a 5% chance of winning the state electorate against the Hill.

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Donald will never debate Bernie. Why would he? What’s the point? This is all a joke, correct?


Bernie, in recent weeks, has continually billed his campaign as the one defeat Trump, and, “defeat him badly” – whatever the fuck that means (although, granted he is polling MUCH better against him than HRC). How do you badly defeat a billionaire who’s, regardless of general election outcome, (spoiler alert, he’s our next president) going to return to his pretty little fake life.

Basically, the dems, with help from Donald and human jizz rag Ted Cruz, managed to slide under the radar of ridiculousness amidst the worst election the *decent American public has ever been subjected to for some six months.

Bernie Sanders is a politician who seems to be a generally good man. When you agree to debate Donald Trump in a desperate clasp for relevancy in a fight for the party of neoliberal Clinton? No, no Bernie – people make mistakes, but that makes you sort of an asshole in circumstance by stooping to the reality.

The fight is not against Trump, nor is it Bernies fight to fight. These are the same “forgotten principles” birthed at the height of southern secession and loved still in quiet murmurs of ones own home. This does not make the Donald’s rhetoric correct, because I’d rather lick the floor of a Golden Corral than vote for the tan one – but all things considered around his campaign – our celebrity powered culture deserves nothing less than an electoral run of this absurdity.

I could all be wrong about this, and that would be kind of cool – but can you really see the pride of Burlington making the blabbering, still indefatigable carrot squirm? I can’t.

If it happens (it won’t), I’ll watch them debate, and hope it fucking burns like the rest of D.C.



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