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Month: June 2016

(VIDEO) Dude takes a hammer throw right to the dick

(VIDEO) Dude takes a hammer throw right to the dick

That looks like it hurt so bad it’s almost not even funny to laugh at… almost.

But then you realize holy crap that dude just took a 9 pound steel ball straight to the grapes… and life is good again.

And for any women reading this blog….don’t you dare tell me getting hit in the boobs is just as sore because that is a flat out lie. If a chick get’s hit in the boobs, they say “Ow” and hold them for 5 seconds. If a guy gets punched in the nuts… he’s on the floor for at least a good minute. And nooooo, it’s not because we’re pussies and can’t handle pain… it literally hurts that bad.

So to this dude who probably won’t be coaching a track and field event for the next week, I feel your pain bro, thoughts and prayers are with you my man.

But thanks for being in the right place at the wrong time.

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today in bill simmons is a strange little man

today in bill simmons is a strange little man

For the proper rule abiding, sports fearing personality – there’s a fuck of a lot to like about Bill Simmons. Conversely, for the occasional pessimist comfortable telling their own mother she’s “not in the target demographic” there’s a helluva lot to find annoyance within Simmons’ nasal toned takes and the general demeanor of the kid in Boyhood during his nail painting rebellious phase.

That said – Simmons is prolific, ESPN made him a star, and his unbridled, annoying genius in the realms of media rivals that of both Kanye West and Donald Trump – you know, the same person in 2016. There is no one in media better at finding and cultivating writing talent than Simmons – the internet is very much a better place because of him.

___

Last night Simmons and HBO aired the second installment of his new show – Any Given Wednesday – and it was…pretty good. Mark Cuban is relevant, Bill Hader is one of “those guys” and Malcolm Gladwell is smarter than all of us.

That’s all pretty irrelevant compared to the stunt he pulled in the shows closing segment concerning Game of Thrones as “what a casual fan wants from next season” being that THEON FUCKING GREYJOY SHOULD GET HIS DICK BACK.

I cannot, I will not…ever, even…at all.

Simmons is the Jay Cutler of media – huge salary, all the talent around him, has plentttyyyy of his own great tools, but when the chips are in to win he throws a pick into quadruple coverage because he’s been hungover for the past thirteen years/says fuck ESPN on his own ESPN owned podcast/talks about THEON FUCKING GREJOY GETTING HIS DICK BACK and very clearly thinks the joke is hilarious when his wife is for sure cringing and even his theatric suckling most loyal fans are like “hmm…eh”.

Classic Bill – really good show, weird, bad, confounding decision at the goal line.

 

 

 

 

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Asian kid can’t blow out a candle

Asian kid can’t blow out a candle

Crazy to think this kid is probably gunna be an engineer or some world renowned doctor when he grows up.

Little Yang is gunna be making atomic bombs or curing diseases by the time he’s 22 but for now he can’t even blow out a candle.

You can tell his mother is frustrated because I’m pretty sure at 24 seconds she said “Blow out that shit”

Glad the parents didn’t wuss out and blow it out for him when he started begging for help. The only way to learn is to figure it out on your own.

By the way dope ass dinosaur overalls.

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VIDEO: Mom swears like a sailor when water dumps in her sunroof at a car wash

VIDEO: Mom swears like a sailor when water dumps in her sunroof at a car wash

Isn’t is great how terrible situations bring out peoples true personalities.

This mom starts off baby talking to her pre teen kids about the pretty colors of the soap and then all of a sudden when water starts pouring in she turns into a god damn sailor screaming at her kids like her minivan is about to capsize.

“Get me a rag Drake… Hurry up!!!

I don’t know what kind of rag Drake has but it better be Sham-Wow on steroids because if it’s not I have a feeling that water ain’t gunna stop.

“Fucking god damn window you fucker…”

Typical mom reaction… blaming the inanimate object for her own idiocy.

And love the girl/guy (hard to tell) who says…

“Oh my god look at me”

Quit complaining Drake, everyone is wet, stop being so self-centered. Besides I’m sure deep down you’re probably pumped about getting soaked. It’s just another reason for people to stare at you on top of that pink hair which is an obvious cry for attention.

Once mom stops screaming at you maybe she can give you the hug you’re desperately yearning for.

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Matt’s NBA OFFSEASON Preview Part 1 — Reloading

Matt’s NBA OFFSEASON Preview Part 1 — Reloading

NBA Offseason Preview Part 1

by Matt (@MattEsposito_)

Exhale. The draft is over. The circus which is NBA free agency is set to begin. Some teams are in a favorable position to contend for a championship. Others are a piece or two away but ready to make the leap. Some teams are just drifting away into no-man’s land without a prayer or a vision. For this three part series, I will place every team into a category of either Reload, Reshuffle, or Rebuild. The Reload teams are the ones which were probably contenders last year and may only need minor changes to bring them to the Promised Land. Reshuffling teams were competitive last year but did not have enough fire power to advance deep into the playoffs. Also in this category are teams which disappointed but do not have to press the panic button just yet. Lastly, Rebuilding teams should just burn everything to the ground. I’m looking at you, Phoenix.

Today, we’ll start off with the Reloading teams.


Teams: Cavs, Raptors, Golden State, OKC, Spurs, LAC, Miami

OAKLAND, CA - JUNE 13: LeBron James #23 of the Cleveland Cavaliers and Kyrie Irving #2 of the Cleveland Cavaliers celebrate with their teammates during the game against the Golden State Warriors in Game Five of the 2016 NBA Finals on June 13, 2016 at ORACLE Arena in Oakland, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. Mandatory Copyright Notice: Copyright 2016 NBAE (Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)
Copyright 2016 NBAE (Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)

Cavs: If the champs decide to not make any drastic changes, they’ll do just fine. If they want to move Love, depending in haul they bring back, they’ll still be just fine. The Cavs need to address some free agent dilemmas within their own team. JR is due for a nice pay day and Delly too. Mo Williams didn’t do them any favors by opting into his deal. JR should be the main target here. Delly will ultimately prove too expensive. Vets like DJ Augustin or even Captain Kirk Hinrich would be cheap fliers to take if Delly leaves. Also, adding a player like Darrell Arthur or Brandon Bass would bolster an already solid frontcourt.

Raptors: Winning two games in the Eastern Conference Finals looks more impressive considering their opponent went on to win the whole thing. The 6 is actually in a good position to push the Cavs for the East’s #1 seed. Lebron and company have spent the past two years battling injuries while playing close to 200 games. They’ll be tired and don’t be surprised if it shows during next year’s regular season. Assuming Toronto brings back its stars (Biyombo and Derozan) they’ll be pressed for cap space. They will certainly improve under a full year of max Biyombo production, so keeping the status quo suits them well. Yet, a sign and trade for Jared Sullinger of the Celtics makes a lot of sense here. JV and Biyombo on the same squad is a tad redundant. Ship him to a team that needs a rim protector and get back a bruising big man who can stretch the floor a little and replace JV’s post scoring.

Golden State: The most logical approach to their free agency is the best. They won a record setting amount of games. Bring back Barnes on the max and make him a focal point of the offense. The kid is young still and just needs the reps. They probably can’t afford to bring back Ezeli if they want Barnes. Let him walk and pick up a cheaper option like Cole Aldrich who played surprisingly well last year. Squeeze another year out of Curry’s insanely cheap contract and then begin to worry. For now, bring back the core and win a title, it’s that simple.

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OKC: Hand Presti the GM of the year award now. Even if KD doesn’t come back, his team is ready for a rebuild because Oladipo, Sabonis and Adams are all under 25. But next year, a lineup of KD, Westbeast, Adams, Oladipo and Kanter is going to legitimately challenge the Warriors for the West’s top spot. The bench is fine too. The Oladipo trade means Waiters can walk. I would try to steal Mayo or Afflalo by convincing them to play on a contender for a minor discount. In all serious however, all the Thunder need to do is get KD back at any cost. The rest of their offseason needs have already been covered.

Spurs: The Spurs are really close to a crossroads. I believe Timmy and Manu come back for one more year on the cheap. As hard as it may be, I would consider trading Tony Parker if the team believes they can land Mike Conley. Getting Durant is realistic but the team would have to move a lot of pieces to free up the cap space for the type of deal KD wants. Make Conley the focus, he’s gettable. If you strike out on KD, then you’ll still have an awesome 2017 free agency class to try and find more star power. Go for the surer bet in Conley and make one more run at this. Also, it’s time to move on from Diaw.

LAC: Clippers gone Clip. Both on and off paper, this team really pushes Golden State. Keep everything together, don’t blow it up yet Doc. All this team needs to do is keep the bench guys (with the exception of Crawford) and bring in a small forward. If I was Doc Rivers, I would do whatever it took to land Luol Deng. Deng had a magnificent playoff run and demonstrated his ability to play the 4 in small lineups. If Deng can’t be gotten, then break the bank for Harkless or Dudley. I understand why some people think this team needs to be blown up, but they should give it one more year. They have a top 5 player at the 1, 4 and 5. JJ is right at his peak. Fix the small forward problem and remain a contender.

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Miami: I debated with myself for a long time about putting this team in this category. Next year however, they will be one year older and that has more positives then negatives. Wade is aging nicely and if Bosh can stay healthy he should have his legs still. Winslow and Richardson will take the big steps forward we expect them to. Resigning Deng and Whiteside is huge but can be done. Riley is always creative when fitting his personnel under the cap. A cheap backup point guard would be a great addition. I like Tim Frazier a lot. Although he only played a small sample size of 16 games for the Pels, Frazier put up 13, 7 an 4 and shot over 40% from 3. Signing him would be so Riley it hurts. This team must bring its core back, then pray for health. Dragic, Wade, Deng, Bosh and Whiteside, with a stacked bench can push any team in the East.

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EURO 2016 — Your Guide to the Quarterfinals (WITH PREDICTIONS)

EURO 2016 — Your Guide to the Quarterfinals (WITH PREDICTIONS)

EURO 2016 Quarterfinals predictions.

(Game dates and times here)

Michael H: Well, your boy was 7-1 with his Round of 16 picks so take note (no doubt I go 0-4 this time).

Mikey: I went 6-2 in the round of 16, underestimating Ronaldo and Iceland, while also overvaluing Croatia and TottenEngland. Pretty amazing that England was comprised of Tottenham players and Croatia is led by an ex- tottenh.. screw it never mind I’ll save that for August. Anyways, you all know the drill, head to head competition between Michael H. and myself, winner take all style. I need to go bold in this round to make up the difference in standings. If you missed our predictions last round, take a look here.

HERE WE GO!!!


Poland-vs-Portugal-Prediction-and-Tips-EURO

Michael H. — Poland 1, Portugal 2

Oh man, I do not like this game at all. I think it all hinges on which Cristiano Ronaldo shows up: The pouty, sullen one constantly disappointed with his teammates’ mistakes, or the human supernova goal-machine (OK, the second one is usually pouty and sullen as well). Ronaldo did not have a great game against Croatia – he was, however, involved in Portugal’s 117th minute goal as his saved shot was steered home by Ricardo Quaresma – so I think he is due for a great performance. A goal and an assist from him guide Portugal past Robert Lewandowski – who doesn’t have enough help – and Poland and into the semifinals.

Mikey — Poland 2, Portugal 0

This is such a crap-shoot game I really only decided to go this way based on what I saw from Portugal against Croatia. No doubt a great victory for their nation, but completely and utterly underwhelming showing of cohesiveness and fitness. Both teams were absolutely crawling to that finish line. Poland on the other hand, played a good game against Switzerland but were dominated in the second half by a much-inspired Shaqiri, who eventually got the goal he completely deserved. So, with both of these teams getting through, I think it comes down to the fact that Lewandowski has yet to show up, and Ronaldo may just be lacking the vital burst of pace (he did play a longer club season than any player). Poland go through.


Wales-vs-Belgium-Prediction-and-Betting-Tips

Michael H — Wales 1, Belgium 3

Gosh darnit, I really wanted to pick Wales in this one. But Belgium beat the piss out of Hungary (I know, I know, it was only Hungary) last Sunday and look to be in the mood. And Wales, even with Gareth Bale in top form, simply do not have the horses to hang with the talent of Belgium – again, assuming they actually play up to their potential. I see this one being tied at halftime, with the Belgians pulling away with a couple goals in the second half.

Mikey — Wales 0, Belgium 2

In watching Wales, they are as strong as anyone up the center of the park. Ashley Williams will be fit for this match, Allen looks revived, Ramsey looks like a Bond villian, and Garreth Bale is my girlfriend’s crush of the tournament. However, where they really STINK is down the flanks. Poor outside backs, and very limited wide skill. Belgium has a slight issue with over-population of talent, and is forced to play either De Bruyne or Hazard on the wing, as both can’t play the 10. The opposite wing is probably Mertens, a high value player and a dynamic threat with his service. That all does not add up well for Wales. Add that to the fact that Belgium should come in with great form after ending their Round of 16 game on a tear. This actually could get ugly, but I’ll pick 2-0 for now. After 10 minutes we should see the gulf in class.


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Michael H. — Germany 1, Italy 0

How good does Julian Draxler look for Germany right now? He terrorized Slovakia on the left wing in their Round of 16 matchup on Sunday. The Italians, for their part, continued to impress as they unceremoniously dumped Spain out of Euro 2016 on Monday. The Germans, however, have too many playmakers, and you know Mario Gomez is going to pop up in the right position at the right time for an old-man goal.

Mikey — Germany 2, Italy 1

I want Conte to lead his men into the last 4, I really do. The way he has brought together a team that was completely written off prior to the tournament for lacking “attacking prowess” or that tricky thing called “youth” is nothing short of amazing. Showing that unity and collective defensive mindset’s are the two most valuable pieces in international tournaments is something the Italians are not unfamiliar with. However, in this case, Germany may just have too much for them. The possession numbers will be staggering after this one, I’m thinking 71-29, but the attempts should level out. If Germany defends their set pieces, they will be fine.


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Michael H — France 1, Iceland 1 (Iceland win on penalties)

Welp, I picked Iceland to reach the semifinals before the tournament started; before I realized they would potentially meet France – the dang host nation – in the quarterfinals. But I’m sticking to my guns because I have integrity, folks. And because these picks don’t matter who cares. Anyway, Iceland will have to find a way to slow down Antoine Griezmann, who is at NBA JAM levels of on fire right now. Luckily for Iceland, they have decent enough (tall enough) center backs to stop Olivier Giroud from heading insane assists to the aforementioned Griezmann. Iceland were fortunate to play England – who can’t help but melt into a despair and self-destruction infused puddle in every big international tournament match – in the first knockout round. This one goes to penalties and…THE ICELANDIC MAGIC CONTINUES.

Mikey — France 2 , Iceland 0

Crazy as it sounds to pick Iceland, if you’ve reallllly watched this tournament you have seen the first 70 or so minutes for France of each game be completely underwhelming. They have been booed, whistled at, and even jeered for their early performances, before saving face late and taking the 3 points. There is a storm brewing.. If France fail to score early and the game ticks later and later, the fans and the Icelandic persistence coulllllld make for an EXTREMELY shaky final minutes.

But, yea, France should score one in each half and the game will end with handshakes and a Crêpe.

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Frat bros invent Roomba Pong, and it’s DOPE

Frat bros invent Roomba Pong, and it’s DOPE

HOLY ROOMBA PONG!

(can’t confirm if these Nantucket looking bros invented Roomba Pong but it’s the first time I’ve seen it… and that’s good enough for me)

To say I WANT to play this would be an absurd understatement. I NEED to play this.

I by no means am saying I’d be good but you can bet your ass I’d have a great time.

I won’t lie to you like every other beer pong player and say I’m the best, or I’m better when I’m drunk, or I used to be awesome… But I will say beer pong always brings a smile to my face.

Any version of the game is fun…Football, Corners, Rage Cage, Pyramid… all classics with their own unique joy-giving ways to get you drunk.

The only time you aren’t smiling at a beer pong table is at the end of the game when your partner doesn’t care anymore and you’ve been shooting air balls at one cup for half an hour and all you want to do is walk around the party and take shots in the kitchen.

Outside of that, Beer Pong is gravy and if you can think of a way to make it better…you’re a friend by me.

Roomba Pong is the second best variation of Beer Peer pong since Rope Swing Pong.

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