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Month: July 2016

do saturday proooooooppppeeerrr

do saturday proooooooppppeeerrr

 

The Free Design – Bubbles

Kenton Slash Demon – Harpe

Bag Raiders – Shooting Stars

Coutrney Barnett – History Eraser

How I feel – Wax Tailor

Misterwives – Same Drugs

Michal Menert & PL – Summer Love

Tyler, the Creator – Untitled 63

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oldie but goodie as the summer winds down

oldie but goodie as the summer winds down

I think I just got a contact high from watching this interview.

Holy shit, how much weed do you think Mason Ho smoked before sitting in front of the camera?

The most surprising thing about this whole conversation is Mason may not even be that high… this is just literally how surfers talk. They have there own language. A lot of my friends talk about waves likes it’s a different universe and I couldn’t tell whether it’s all the weed they smoked or the salt water their brain is swimming in but god damn every other surfer understands what they’re saying.

Here’s my interpretation of Mason’s ideal wave… He ends up fucking a girl that falls onto his board mid wave but only after he steps on her back as he waves to his boys back on the beach.

If I interpreted that right, then Mason and me may not be so different after all…that sounds like a pretty great time.

This interview of course brings back memories of “Smack the Lip, WAPEH ” Dude.

And of course that begs the question… Who’s stonier, Mason or the dude who got “So Pitted”?

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dear amy schumer

dear amy schumer

I would like to start this by thanking a dear friend of mine, Amy Schumer. We aren’t actually friends in the least it and the closest relation we have is being born on Long Island, but I still want to thank her. Her perfect balance of self-deprecation and modern feminism portrayed by her humor has left me with a girl crush of epic proportions.

Thank you, Amy, for your ability to go so far over the line but never losing the joke. Thank you, for giving men a peek into the daily struggles of women in a way that no other woman has done before. Comedy can be used to send a message that if in other forms, people would pay no attention. But through your satirical skits, you’ve accomplished to cross over into the dude brain and make them ask, “wait, do girls really do that?” That takes talent.

Now, this article may seem biased since I consider myself one of her top 10 fans, but my tears shed while watching her stand up at MSG do not blur my judgment. Isn’t it refreshing for someone to live without giving a single shit about what others think? Isn’t it refreshing to see a woman in the spotlight walk out of her NYC apartment and not be in full hair and makeup? I know there are more than just Amy, but sue me, she’s my focus.

Besides her ability to make you laugh while sparking contemplation into life’s moments, Amy’s ability to relate to the common folk is something to be commended. Amy represents a bigger picture, the few of the elite Hollywood crowd who choose to be themselves while being watched by the rest of the world. The ones who don’t forget that when it comes down to it, they are humans at the core. Humans who indulge in life’s vices and don’t apologize, no matter how many paparazzi capture the moment in time.

From my last article, you all know my personal allegiance to the Kardashians, so my love for Amy might seem a bit contradictory, but I separate my love between unattainable humans who are fun to look at and unattainable humans who I can relate to. Can I relate to Kylie Jenner, her 12 cars, her daily glam session and her perfect ass? No. Can I relate to Amy Schumer, her sweat pants, dirty humor and admittedly vanilla sex life? Yes.

When a celebrity offers something to dream of, its just as intoxifying as a celebrity who offers a bit of humility, relatedness. We live in a time so consumed by images, that seeing someone who doesn’t comply to the perfection of the photograph makes some uncomfortable while making some have a little bit of added faith. Does it mean I’m going to post a selfie of myself when I first wake up in the morning while spooning my dog? Probably not (you’re welcome) but it does offer a bit of solace in this crazy world. There are people who chose the life of fame, but haven’t lost their life of normalcy.

 

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Really nice guy arrested when cops mistake doughnut glaze as Meth

Really nice guy arrested when cops mistake doughnut glaze as Meth

Orlando Sentinel — Daniel Rushing treats himself to a Krispy Kreme doughnut every other Wednesday. He used to eat them in his car.

Not anymore.

Not since a pair of Orlando police officers pulled him over, spotted four tiny flakes of glaze on his floorboard and arrested him, saying they were pieces of crystal methamphetamine.

The officers did two roadside drug tests and both came back positive for the illegal substance, according to his arrest report.

He was handcuffed, arrested, taken to the county jail and strip searched, he said.

A state crime lab, however, did another test several weeks later and cleared him.

“It was incredible,” he said. “It feels scary when you haven’t done anything wrong and get arrested. … It’s just a terrible feeling.”

Rushing, 64, of Orlando was arrested about 1 p.m. Dec. 11 at Robinson Street and Parramore Avenue. He had just dropped off a neighbor at the hospital for a chemotherapy session — something he did everyFriday, he said — then went to the 7-Eleven store at 938 W. Colonial Drive to give another friend a ride home, he said.

She’s elderly, a church friend and works there.

The officer who made the arrest, Cpl. Shelby Riggs-Hopkins, an eight-year department veteran, had staked out the 7-Eleven because of complaints about drug activity, she wrote in her report.

She pulled over Rushing because he failed to come to a full stop before pulling out of the convenience store parking lot and because he was driving 42 mph in a 30 mph zone, according to her report.

When Rushing opened his wallet, she saw that he had a concealed weapons permit, she wrote. He told her that he had a gun, and she asked him to step out of his car, a small Chevy.

That’s when she spotted “a rock like substance on the floor board where his feet were,” she wrote.

“I recognized through my eleven years of training and experience as a law enforcement officer the substance to be some sort of narcotic,” she wrote.

She asked for permission to search his vehicle, the report says, and Rushing agreed.

“I didn’t have anything to hide,” he said. “I’ll never let anyone search my car again.”

Riggs-Hopkins and other officers spotted three other pieces of the suspicious substance in his car, according to the report.

“I kept telling them, ‘That’s … glaze from a doughnut. … They tried to say it was crack cocaine at first, then they said, ‘No, it’s meth, crystal meth.'”

His arrest report confirms that he tried to tell them.

“Rushing stated that the substance is sugar from a Krispie Kreme Donut that he ate,” Riggs-Hopkins wrote.

She booked him into the county jail on a charge of possession of methamphetamine with a firearm. He was locked up for about 10 hours before his release on $2,500 bond, he said.

According to FDLE, an analyst in its Orlando crime lab did not try to identify what police found in his car. She only checked to determine whether it was an illegal drug and confirmed that it was not.

Three days later, the State Attorney’s Office in Orlando filed paperwork, saying that it was dropping the case.

Rushing, who retired after 25 years as an Orlando parks department employee, has hired a lawyer and is asking the city to pay him damages.

“I got arrested for no reason at all,” he said.

He has not spelled out how much money he wants, but attorney William Ruffier says he expects to file suit next month.

The Orlando Police Department did not explain why the two drug field tests that Riggs-Hopkins conducted were wrong.

When asked how many other road-side drug tests have produced false positive results, an OPD spokeswoman wrote, “At this time, we have no responsive records. … There is no mechanism in place for easily tracking the number of, or results of, field drug testing.”

FDLE spokeswoman Molly Best wrote that her agency has no information about the prevalence of false-positive field drug tests.

The New York Times reported on July 7 that its review of FDLE data showed that 21 percent of the time, drug evidence that was listed by local authorities as methamphetamine turned out to be something else.

In its statement, OPD described the arrest as a lawful one.

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Krispy Kreme getting some bad publicity on this one huh?

Normally I’m on the side of the badge and like to give police the benefit of the doubt but there’s no way you can’t side with Dan Rushing after he was strip searched and thrown in jail for a shitty donut. (Yeah I said it, a shitty doughnut… I’ll get to that in a bit)

Now my only experience with crystal meth is what Walter White presented on Breaking Bad, and that shit was blue. So if I were the cop and the glaze crumbs were actually crystal meth I’d probably miss it anyway. But let’s say I did know what real crystal meth looked like, I’m 1000% sure I’d be able to tell the difference between that and Krispy Kreme Glaze. Maybe (certainly) I’m giving myself too much credit but oh well.

I could totally understand if they mistook powdered sugar as cocaine because what kid (adult) hasn’t pretended to be a crack head by rubbing powdered sugar under their nose after diving into a 30 pack of donut holes.

Bottom line of the story… Doughnut Guy got a sad dose of reality… no good deed goes unpunished. Dude just tried to refuel after taking a neighbor to chemotherapy and then take an elderly women home. How does he get repaid? Gets arrested for being a meth head. This is why people stop doing nice things because they get pegged as meth heads.

P.S.
Krispy Kreme is shitty. Granted I haven’t had donuts in years but I will always and forever be a Dunkin guy. The only thing Krispy Kreme has on Dunkin is the fact you can see the donuts gets glazed right before they’re served… and you know what that’s not even a positive. You think people want to know how fat they are? The answer is no… but that’s what they get when they see a waterfall of sugar glaze come pouring down on a circle of fried dough. Why stick your head up a baker’s ass when you can just take their word for it… or something like that….

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independent legends and the best song you’ll hear all month

independent legends and the best song you’ll hear all month

do i care that it’s the end of July and we’ve just gotten the song of the summer? nope.

we know Mac Miller – white Pittsburgh kid coming around with catchy rhymes for high schoolers at the right time for youtube juuuuuust before tumblr really got rolling – you for sure have a friend who had no business in a rap studio who…tried to go do stuff in a rap studio because of E-Z mac. Anyway – he came out with an album tail end of last summer after getting clean off coke and living somewhere in Cali at Rick Rubins’ house for a few months, GO:OD AM, and it’s….pretty good.

More important than this being a Mac Miller song – who appears to be following the en masse trend with hip hop right now by announcing another full length project with the debut of this single – is that Anderson fuckkkkking .paak is on this song. Anderson .paak is …. cold, man.

 

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So ya .paak’s been around I guess but I’d never heard of him before TLOP but now I have and his last two albums venice and malibu are very dope and beautiful and he plays a lot of instruments and he’s kind of like a tan mac demarco who probably has sex more than twice a month and showers daily and pays his rent on time so yeah it’s good it’s great and the song with Mac Miller is called DANG ! and it came out today and it’s very beautiful and when the horns on the hook hit I feel like I’m lying on the beach with odd half eaten fruit sitting on my chest that’s so fresh none of it’s running off and getting all sticky and a very beautiful woman who’s only telling me things I want to hear is spoon feeding me a frozen mimosa and the sand is also the peeeerfect balance between hot and bland and someones playing a piano instrumental of all of the lights somewhere that I can make out but can’t really see and I’m a little drunk but am very much aware that there’s time to nap and shower (in a roomy but not spacious air conditioned room with a balcony and probably complementary chocolates and cool elephant towel things from the amicable room service people) at appropriate intervals before the dinner reservation.

So yeah that’s how I feel about this song and you can listen to it here and I hope you have a lovely evening.

 

 

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if movie characters were real…

if movie characters were real…

Bradley Cooper. The cool guy from the Hangover who looks like he was a high school bully but definitely wasn’t. The guy who makes the most masculine of men say “Okay babe, I’ll admit it, he’s a good looking guy.” Mr. Chris Kyle himself. Well, not really. I mean Cooper only played the American Sniper in the film.  So, he’s not really Chris Kyle and most people can make the distinction. Diehard conservatives however, are not most people. So when Bradley’s face was shown all over the DNC this past week, GOP faithful lost it. How could the man who played a conservative hero be a liberal? Don’t answer that. Instead, read my list of people who I wish perpetually stayed in character and never returned to their real self. And who better to start this list than…

 

Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln.

The fit here is incredible. Could you imagine DDL taking a train tour around the Bible belt while playing the role of Honest Abe? The chaos occurring just for Midwesterners to catch a glimpse of his famous beard would be mind-blowing. Football practices would be cancelled. Home schooled children would get a day off from memorizing what the mean god said in the first Jesus book. 4H meetings would be postponed. Even tornadoes would take the day off! But here’s the best part: everyone would get sick of Abe within a week. All the dude did was answer simple questions with a long-ass story. Them: “Hey Abe, wanna meet me and the boys at Texas Roadhouse for a steak?” Abe: “I once visited Texas…” Them: “You know what, John Wilkes Booth had a point.”

 

Matt McConaughey as Rust Cohle

“You weren’t gettin’ a read on Rust, Rust was gettin’ a read on you.” Not even joking, Rust Cohle may be the best fictional character of all time. Better than Harry Potter despite Harry having the most incredible filial love story of all time. Better than Buzz Aldrich because we all know you didn’t really go to the moon, you just filmed it all in a studio movie directed by Stanley Kubrick. For all you non-believers, better than Jesus Christ who went 33 years without having sex and then brought himself back to life only to not have more sex. Rust Cohle is a different breed, a breed that America needs. Who wouldn’t want to have a neighbor that was ex special forces, banging his partner’s wife and obsesses over some yellow royalty that rapes children? At the end of the day Rust Cohle said that time was a shape. Bring that character back to life, for real.

 

Marley Shelton as Wendy Peffercorn

This was a no-brainer. A late teen marries a barely 12 year old after he tried intentionally tried to drown himself just to get some tongue? Sign me up. I like a woman who doesn’t close the book on a guy after he pulled some weird shit. “Hey, I know you once literally attempted suicide just to touch my lips, but how ‘bout we get coffee sometime.” Also, I love the fact that Wendy knew she was hot. There are some many things wrong with the sunscreen reapply scene, but Wendy doesn’t care because she’s scorching. 1) A kid could have jumped into the deep end with ankle weights and Wendy isn’t even paying attention. Newsflash, lifeguards should be watching people swim. 2) With a one-piece like she was wearing, sunscreen barely needs to be applied. She was basically wearing a red, full-body turtle neck. 3) It’s the 50s, was sunscreen even invented yet? Does anyone care or know about skin cancer? Regardless, I need a real Wendy in my life. Come back to haunt preteens everywhere.

 

So there you have it. I won’t be selfish, all I want is three people back from Fantasy Land. Gimme Abe strictly for entertainment purposes. Plus, I want to ask the guy personally if he did cocaine. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I love my Rust and Wendy picks. If there is one girl who can tame the enigmatic, infinitely awesome Rust Cohle, it’s Miss Peffercorn. Rust would be going on and on about some 5th dimension geometrics and Wendy would be like “Dude, no one cares. Now get my lower back for me.” Also, if Rust ever saw Abe in person, his head would explode. I don’t mean that figuratively. Rust is so caught up with imaginary demi-monsters that his mind cannot possibly comprehend seeing a dead president in real life.

 

 

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Stranger Things is Netflix at the Peak of its Powers

Stranger Things is Netflix at the Peak of its Powers

I’m here to add to the chorus of people praising Stranger Things, a new eight-episode series on Netflix. I have seen it called a cross between X-Files and The Goonies; that is exactly what it is, plus phenomenal music. It, at turns, employs elements of horror, comedy, coming-of-age, surrealism, and satire. It is wonderful. Go watch it. Right now.

It is also peak Netflix, imo. They gave two relatively unknown brothers – Matt and Ross Duffer – the funds and freedom to make something awesome: essentially a Spielberg/King throwback that is made really, really well. The Duffer brothers didn’t have to squeeze out 12-15 episodes, they didn’t have to worry about being canceled due to poor initial ratings, and, from all indications, they didn’t have to worry about too many other people’s opinions of what they were doing.

(Ed’s note: minor spoilers follow.)

So the story takes place in the fictional Hawkins, Indiana (shoutout Indiana being the site of weird shit), a cozy suburb a ways outside Indianapolis. It stars Winona Ryder and David Harbour – who both possibly give the performance of their respective careers – in the kind-of lead roles, rounded out by a group of the best child actors I’ve ever seen assembled in one project. God, they are great in this thing. Also, it’s set in the 80s (!).

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Will Byers goes missing in the first episode (calm down, the damn title of the ‘sode is The Vanishing of Will Byers). We don’t get to see exactly what happens but it’s the first in a never ending cavalcade of awesome-creepy scenes. That occurrence is the basis around which the whole series is built. Oh, and did I mention there is a highly sketchy Department of Energy lab on the outskirts of town? Well, there is a highly sketchy Department of Energy lab on the outskirts of town. IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE A PRIMARY POINT OF FOCUS FOR THIS TELEVISION PROGRAM.

All aspects of the show are handled deftly: suspense is drawn out, the creep factor is constantly being cranked up, the humor and emotions are played to the perfect pitch, character development is otherworldly. It somehow meshes an almost-fully-formed coming-of-age story with sci-fi, then mixes those with redemption/dread undertones. And the special effects and world-building are top notch.

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Then there’s the music, which I alluded to up at the top. It’s not just the songs many of you over 30 (does that include anyone reading this? hello?) will instantly start nodding along to, but also, and more so to me, the original music woven in and out of every scene. It’s made by a band called SURVIVE (or S U R V I V E as they prefer), and they nail the 80s theme completely. The score is big and atmospheric but it can also turn sparse and spine-tingling in a split second.

You will not want this show to end. I watched it over two nights and I’m having withdraw symptoms. Luckily, a second season looks very likely; Netflix would be dumb to do anything but give the Duffer bros a pile of cash and get the heck out of the way.

Enjoy.

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