if movie characters were real…

if movie characters were real…

Bradley Cooper. The cool guy from the Hangover who looks like he was a high school bully but definitely wasn’t. The guy who makes the most masculine of men say “Okay babe, I’ll admit it, he’s a good looking guy.” Mr. Chris Kyle himself. Well, not really. I mean Cooper only played the American Sniper in the film.  So, he’s not really Chris Kyle and most people can make the distinction. Diehard conservatives however, are not most people. So when Bradley’s face was shown all over the DNC this past week, GOP faithful lost it. How could the man who played a conservative hero be a liberal? Don’t answer that. Instead, read my list of people who I wish perpetually stayed in character and never returned to their real self. And who better to start this list than…


Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln.

The fit here is incredible. Could you imagine DDL taking a train tour around the Bible belt while playing the role of Honest Abe? The chaos occurring just for Midwesterners to catch a glimpse of his famous beard would be mind-blowing. Football practices would be cancelled. Home schooled children would get a day off from memorizing what the mean god said in the first Jesus book. 4H meetings would be postponed. Even tornadoes would take the day off! But here’s the best part: everyone would get sick of Abe within a week. All the dude did was answer simple questions with a long-ass story. Them: “Hey Abe, wanna meet me and the boys at Texas Roadhouse for a steak?” Abe: “I once visited Texas…” Them: “You know what, John Wilkes Booth had a point.”


Matt McConaughey as Rust Cohle

“You weren’t gettin’ a read on Rust, Rust was gettin’ a read on you.” Not even joking, Rust Cohle may be the best fictional character of all time. Better than Harry Potter despite Harry having the most incredible filial love story of all time. Better than Buzz Aldrich because we all know you didn’t really go to the moon, you just filmed it all in a studio movie directed by Stanley Kubrick. For all you non-believers, better than Jesus Christ who went 33 years without having sex and then brought himself back to life only to not have more sex. Rust Cohle is a different breed, a breed that America needs. Who wouldn’t want to have a neighbor that was ex special forces, banging his partner’s wife and obsesses over some yellow royalty that rapes children? At the end of the day Rust Cohle said that time was a shape. Bring that character back to life, for real.


Marley Shelton as Wendy Peffercorn

This was a no-brainer. A late teen marries a barely 12 year old after he tried intentionally tried to drown himself just to get some tongue? Sign me up. I like a woman who doesn’t close the book on a guy after he pulled some weird shit. “Hey, I know you once literally attempted suicide just to touch my lips, but how ‘bout we get coffee sometime.” Also, I love the fact that Wendy knew she was hot. There are some many things wrong with the sunscreen reapply scene, but Wendy doesn’t care because she’s scorching. 1) A kid could have jumped into the deep end with ankle weights and Wendy isn’t even paying attention. Newsflash, lifeguards should be watching people swim. 2) With a one-piece like she was wearing, sunscreen barely needs to be applied. She was basically wearing a red, full-body turtle neck. 3) It’s the 50s, was sunscreen even invented yet? Does anyone care or know about skin cancer? Regardless, I need a real Wendy in my life. Come back to haunt preteens everywhere.


So there you have it. I won’t be selfish, all I want is three people back from Fantasy Land. Gimme Abe strictly for entertainment purposes. Plus, I want to ask the guy personally if he did cocaine. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I love my Rust and Wendy picks. If there is one girl who can tame the enigmatic, infinitely awesome Rust Cohle, it’s Miss Peffercorn. Rust would be going on and on about some 5th dimension geometrics and Wendy would be like “Dude, no one cares. Now get my lower back for me.” Also, if Rust ever saw Abe in person, his head would explode. I don’t mean that figuratively. Rust is so caught up with imaginary demi-monsters that his mind cannot possibly comprehend seeing a dead president in real life.




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