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Month: July 2016

the internet is strange – what barry can teach us

the internet is strange – what barry can teach us

I’m not much of a democrat these days – certainly no republican. My mother’s a little different – voting for Hillary , and a little nicer in speaking about politicians than I am. For the last several years she’s held steadfast to the claim that no president in history has taken so much flak as Obama, that it’s unprecedented, and neither Mitt nor McCain would’ve seen similar onslaughts. There’s ostensibly no way to prove this one way or the other, I often vet that she’s misguided via generational gaps and probably a misunderstanding by everyone, at the turn of Obama’s first run – of just how powerful a tool Twitter had become. This is why he won in ’08 , and why he didn’t lose in ’12.

I’ve been very annoyed with the DNC for the better part of eight months, and the rest of this comes with full disclaimer that amidst this joke of an election cycle – great speakers don’t have to do much work to stand out positively, that annoyance stretched tenfold during the first two evenings of the democratic convention in Philly (with the exception of Michelle).

I don’t know much about Tim Kaine – but I love watching Liz Warren swallow her own cud when half ass defending him to reporters while selling her poorly presented leftist soul in support of another woman who just so happens to be on the democratic ticket. Did you hear? Hillary’s a woman? So yeah, that’s good enough for me. The point’s that a well received senator in a southern gateway was liable to be a coin flip for the DNC on a night where a major mood swing, legitimacy, was going to come or…it wasn’t. The non pause he gave to Trump’s rhetoric regurgitation was enjoyable – and at this juncture I’m looking far more forward to debates between him and TPP Pence than the presidential alternative.

And, you know – followed by maybe the most beloved man in American politics in Joe Biden. The unfortunate reality of our televised nation and the politico everything to boot – is that these people in front of our eyes are largely…scripted. Flaws – in the day of Twitter and such are no secret – but much like Paul Ryan swallowed his own dick twice over in support of Trump last week – I have a difficult time believing the vigor with which old Joe believes in Hillary to keep current on Obama’s legislation amidst her re opening of donor allowances to the DNC – this has quite a bit to do with Kaine’s bank history. Nothing ostensibly wrong with it…but an elephant nonetheless.

Any – who , I know a lot of people voting for Trump who don’t necessarily agree with much anything he says (or hasn’t said) policy wise but can’t stand the alternative of Hillary who, did you hear, is a woman? I think it says more that she’s a career politician, I mean a career politician, and say what you will – 40 years in that muck pit isn’t gonna make anyone pretty by the time they rise to the center of attention. Kind of like commercial real estate, no?

So here, yes, in digression Biden again shows his pervasive humanization in skating at mentions of how he may have run, masked by the tragedy of his son’s untimely death – it’s an old, white…non crusty dude that any college educated American will have no issue standing behind the principles of. Even bigot sporting Trumpettes, proud ones, will admit that.

And then, Barry – closing on the same platform he initially won with in ’08.

“I see a younger generation full of energy and new ideas, not constrained by what is, ready to seize what ought to be.” 

This is speaking to millennials without really doing as much, and more or less doing what Donald’s done for eight months without the fear mongering of goblins and ghouls out beyond the wall…

then again, Obamacare is far less pretty in practice than conceptualization…so maybe we’re all fucked.

I believe more than ever after last night that the democratic party and its ideals as we’ve come to know are dead as a fucking doornail – the meat, however, has yet to spoil, and I suspect it’s another 4 to 6 years before the stench leaks through the back hood.

Ala Donald’s long promised election announcement last summer.

A nod to sanders at a critical juncture of the speech, in a call to mobilize the entirety of the democratic party to vote as the berners did all year long – is the proof in the pudding that the king has been slain. He didn’t want that, Hillary still doesn’t want that – but she doesn’t have a choice. She asked for emoji polls, can’t use an NYC subway (they are never that empty, fucking dumbass), and for real put out a press release about Pokemon go. It’s awkward – she’s awkward, and she’s a robotic, non relatable person. If she was she may well have won the ticket in ’08 – but alas , a man with more gravitas than Bradley Cooper’s Phil haircut could hope for – stepped in yet again to bat clean up for a woman, yes, a smart, accomplished, deserving of all things men might have woman…who couldn’t beat him eight years ago – and stands foe against a reality television windbag just so corrupt as she should these things about both of them stand to be true.

Death is never good, but no – I don’t care about the fucking benghazi emails – she can’t use a computer, get over it. But supporting a “feminist” who’s own husband has an umpteenth number of rape accusations on his record (speaking of, Billy can still rip it when going off the teleprompter – charisma on a billion)? Fuck off – I’ll take the water and stare at my Instagram.

I suppose what we have, or must have, still, is hope. For as much as I’d prefer our country not to be run by a neoliberal liar with a long, traceable history of backtracking on her policy claims…the alternative is a dude who seriously took this picture with his….daughter.


Maybe Gary Johnson proves the internets real power and gets elected (he’ll at least find footing in debates – polling too high not to get there) , maybe he won’t. I can’t stomach voting for either of these assholes – but for months I’ve been scared and certain of Trump’s tenure in the white house which…all things considered…seems to be a far worse long term solution that a definitively poor solution, period, in HRC. But after last night? There is, if nothing else…a plausible look into the tables being turned against the Donald…even if for a brief convention bounce – as these things do…bounce.

Is this for the better? Who’s to say – but the fact that an Obama speech can strike such a powerful chord…twelve years to the week of his first DNC stage invite is, if not to be celebrated…at least pretty fucking impressive.





i have my own email to care about : things we should invite the russains to do

i have my own email to care about : things we should invite the russains to do



Okay off the bat I admit this is a single thing but to be perfectly honest this has always impressed me from a raw obfuscation of humanity level more so than putin riding around in horses and in cool submarines and shit and that’s not to mention the thousands of murders he for sure committed // ordered while heading up the KGB but like yo do you fucking see this?


I realize this picture is old as fuck but I do not care because dumb bum ass billionaire funded media was in a tizzy today because Trump said whatever about encouraging the russians to hack hillary’s emails and I for real heard real human beings say out loud that THAT’S TREASON. What the fuck is treason? Russia is tenfold bankrupt morally and fiscally compared to anything that’s going on in the U.S. and you really think something that jackass says is going to sway their (defnitely existing) “hacking team” to attack the former secretary of states email address. What the fuck are we even talking about here – regardless of the truth behind the email leak (imo i really wouldn’t be surprised if trump has russian friends who he put up to the hack because what else could be surprising in this election besides the two of them actually fighting on a debate stage) but that doesn’t fucking matter becuase the principle of the thing is that DEMOCRATIC LEADERS OF THIS PARTY AND COUNTRY INSINUATED THAT THE OUTWARDNESS OF SANDERS’ SEMITIC TIES  // NOW ATHEISM WOULD BE A GOOD ROUTE TO FURTHER ASSURE HILLARY THE NOMINEE THAT LET’S BE REALISTIC SHE WAS GOING TO WIN NO MATTER WHAT – are you fucking kidding me?

This is the twilight zone – I watched the republican convention all last week with the same affection I have toward maggot covered sandwiches and I haven’t been able to stomach anything out of the dem’s and really, i cannot believe this is something i’m putting in writing – at least the republicans are realistic about their lies. we live in a world where donald trump can run a republican convention so fucking hackneyed that newt gingrich would have toothless midwesterners believing that the entirety of continental america is more dangerous than Bhagdad circa ’08 – while i can’t watch 7 minutes of the dem convention without an uber liberal asshole celebrity sighting or someone making such a poorly masked pun about their own physical stature that I KNOW I’M BEING LIED TO. Say what you will about donald making fun of a disabled reporter – yes, it’s obviously disgusting – hillary ok-ing a legal midget to joke about Hillary “always caring about the little people, and i’m not just talking about me” on stage on the same evening where a blind dude sung the national anthem is arguably the worst pandering I’ve ever seen – everyone with a brain knows trump is a piece of shit, this includes educated bigots who are voting for him – it’s just the way it is.

I’m for sure taking crazy pills – all of this is going on and people think it’s a real scenario about russian email hackers, there’s a 90% chance trump has already forgotten he said that. just shut up, look yourself in the mirror and realize you are literally choosing between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. punch me in the face when this blog recommends you vote for any of the imbecilic orange starbust enjoying cretins that go into politics from today until forever.







we live in a world where 160 year old fashion brands sue 18 year old viral rap stars

we live in a world where 160 year old fashion brands sue 18 year old viral rap stars

so we’re written about lil yachty on this site (have we? three beers in in it’s hot in this apartment SUE ME) and podcasted about him (FOLLOW VODKA SODA HAPPY HOUR ON SOUNDCLOUD DAMNIT).

Anyway to summate yachty’s 18 and has an apple music exclusive with Summer Songs 2 and was in that yeezy fashion show so yeah he’s got money for lunch and actually might be 19 i’m honestly not sure but the point is that his trop house producer / bestie Burberry Perry was sued today by…wait…wait….wait…Burberry.


Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 6.34.19 PM

You can see the highlighted text at the bottom there – “it was only a matter of time” which, I don’t know – isn’t that kinda stupid? I’m not even sure this is grounds to sue someone – but when you’re 18 or maybe 19 rocking red hair and traveling the fucking world selling shows and you get to respond to your +severalthousand twitter following per day fanbase with this :


Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 6.29.30 PM

you know shits going….okay.


I really like lil yachty – i’m a 24 year old white guy on a lite beer / zuchinni diet right now because i’m going to a college reuinion this weekend so you better believe i know this music ain’t for me but god damnit is it catchy. Anyway – this is a perfect response to the reported (now seemingly legit lawsuit) , put the blame all on yourself – can’t hurt ya.

kid named himself after a boat (for the record SS2 ain’t great but…it doesn’t suck) , fucking internet , man.

On Friendship, Competing, and Fantasy Football

On Friendship, Competing, and Fantasy Football

Note: This rant inspired by “Why do guys even like fantasy football?”

 I really never liked Fantasy Football, at least not the way we were raised in it.

Back 10 years ago the idea of Fantasy Football to a younger kid was based more around draft day and emulation of the “older” kids loving it. We didn’t know about drafting for bye weeks, ppr, and what a kicker actually does for your team. All we wanted to do was be like the bigger guys, getting together to talk intelligently about the sport that unifies us in its intensity. Sure we faked the shit out of it, but part of growing up is that.

The game of Fantasy Football, for all that it does, is more rooted around the idea of brotherhood and competition than the actual passion and love for the game itself. There are certainly guys who really love dissecting the draft, preparing their cheat sheets and compiling insider information from the sports media, but they are the minority in most casual circles. Where you will find the bulk of Fantasy players is inside the lines of the extremes, fitting somewhere alongside the guy who plays injured guys and the waiver wizard. For the majority of Fantasy players, the unity and chance to be alongside their friends each Sunday, trash talk, eat awful nachos, and consume enough beers to get you in trouble with the lady is what the objective is derived from.

I took a year off of Fantasy Football, and absolutely loved it. Last season I was able to sit back, relax, and put on Red Zone for the sole purpose of being wowed by the talent on the field. I found a new appreciation for a sport I otherwise really found simplistic and grotesque. It allowed me to appreciate the sheer amount of coordination, dedication, and skill that these men possess.

For me, however, football resided in a different place in my mind last season. Away from the forefront of actual human interaction and what “matters” and back towards the part of your brain that sort of likes watching baseball. You know it is a long and tedious commitment, so you don’t watch everything, but when it is on you are more than happy partaking in the madness. This ultimately may have led me away from the sport (who knows) but the passion and desire to take part in Fantasy was not apparent, and I actually had no intention of going back.

Then this weekend happened.

I was asked to join a new league by my friends in the lovely state of California, allowing me into their secluded and private cult of group chats, beach days, and draft speculation. To determine draft order, we all had to partake in a “beer mile” running each 400 meters and then chugging a beer. If you threw up, it was an extra lap.

Not to brag or anything, but I didn’t puke until AFTER the final lap, which I think counts for something.

The idea behind this piece, and the point I am trying to make is that football stands for more than just a few weeks during the Fall. That is why with incidences like Greg Hardy, Ray Rice, and many others the general media calling for “football bans” or “boycotts” is simply preposterous. This is not simply the type of sport you can cast aside and let sit in the back of your mind, this has now come to represent the core focal point of weekends in the cold weather.

Men crave the type of brotherhood and banter that usually stays reserved for locker rooms and childhood backyards. That is why we all continue to crave for this sense of unified insanity each week. Who gives an actual FUCK about “who” the players are and whether or not they stand for righteous action, we just want them to do well so I can seem smart and make fun of my friends. The players are simply pieces to a larger mental void that dedicating yourself to “the boys” each weekend can hopefully fill.


The crazy hi-jinx and bizarre punishments are used to test loyalty to the brotherhood, not to exploit the fallings of a failure. The champion is crowned and immediately targeted socially as the villain. When we ran, we ran to laugh at each other more so than to determine draft order. It was a chance to see who will put their money where their mouth is. Sure the little cash on the line elevates things for the guy who works for his dad, but in the long run that $100 will be worth tenfold in entertainment and enjoyment. Fantasy Football should not be talked about outside of the league, as no one really gives a crap about “your” league, but when you keep the excitement in-house amazing things can come as a result.

Long way to say it, but I felt a sense of belonging when I took my first lap of that race last weekend. Sure it sucked, and I am as slow as I ever have been before in my entire life, but it was fun to be a part of this again. Fantasy Football is not exactly the most detailed and intricate test of intelligence, but it is enough for me to refer to you as “an absolute imbecile” for trading for Jamaal Charles after his ACL tear. I will CERTAINLY judge your entire existence when you pick a great receiver without a quarterback.

Then we laugh, we feel together, and we just sort of… wait for the next thing. Then we laugh again.

today in human trash heaps

today in human trash heaps

i guess at a certain point you have to respect people for consistency? i mean say what you will about the dude – you always know where he stands , but then again , that was a phenomenal speech the other night regardless of your viewpoints unless you’re wearing a proverbial hood once inside your own home – and this is from a dude who’d rather hang with hannibal lecter in the dinner scene than vote for hillary this november, so yeah – we have a self explanatory orlando or george zimmerman gun auction situation – fuuuuuck this crusty old white dude

rio de jaaaa – nevermind

rio de jaaaa – nevermind

Did you watch the last world cup? maybe if you read this blog – I’m not much a soccer guy, but whatever, I managed to catch Germany shalacking Brazil 7-1 in the world cup semi’s a few years back. The game was near literally over when it started and Mikey later described it to me along the lines of MJ’s olympic team losing by 50 at in L.A. Anywho – more than the pepper scale of the German players wives the image that stuck with me from that game was just afterward when big afro sporting Brazilian defender (I think??) David Luiz gave an interview during which he was crying the whole time and kept saying he just wanted to give the people something to cheer about.

So it was really sad because seeing grown men cry is sad and granted this is a sport so it’s not really a tragic circumstance under nominal lines of thought but then again I’m a middle class white male so my opinions on a rampantly overcrowded / industrialized south american nation I’ve never been to are very much null – point being I felt so fucking bad for David Luiz the salt well creeping into the back of my mouth was nearly enough to quell the shame of three spicy quesarito’s. They had just come out and I was like two weeks, suck it.

Point is I got into a standard contrarian dinner argument last time my family was together about all the Rio horror stories of floating bodies in a bay and there being no police or hospitals yadda yadda yadda being bullshit because the olympics, sports wise, are mostly boring these days unless you really like track and field and stuff and that the only way to generate buzz is to put out media similar to stray packs of russian dogs wreaking havoc on transit routes in Sochi.


But alas journalists arrived in rio today and were live tweeting pictures of actual human feces pretty near to to the athletic village where, by the way, the IOC is providing every.single.fucking.athlete with 42 condoms – so yeah never been to rio or any of Brazil for that matter but once sewage is no ones friend and now I feel even worse for David Luiz because I should’ve put these things together and I mean I live in a major city and sometimes it’s gross as fuck but then again it’s not NYC and it’s not brazil so as I clench my teeth waiting for BC’s speech at the DNC’s rendition of a Gilmore Girls ep on really powerful mushrooms – I’m happy there’s not shit flowing outside of my living quarters for the biggest moment of my life.

Sidenote anyone blogging the fact that the coke dealers in rio are branding bags with the olympic rings and acting like it’s any kind of news are fucking idiots – Steph Curry was literally just on heroin packets during the nba playoffs, marketing 101. YAWWWWN.

Hugo, CO is Having The Best Week Ever

Hugo, CO is Having The Best Week Ever


HUGO — This town on Colorado’s Eastern Plains warned its residents not to drink, bathe in or cook with its tap water on Thursday because officials said multiple preliminary tests of the water came back positive for THC, the main psychoactive compound in marijuana.

Others, though, greeted the news with a sense of humor. Patsie Smith, another former mayor, said she received a reverse 911-type message shortly after 3 p.m. telling residents not to drink the water because there could be THC in it. She chuckled at the thought.

“I might have to go drink some water,” she joked.


Colorado needs a good old fashioned slow clap from all of us – because the residents of Hugo are definitely having the best week ever. Somebody failed a drug test and from there, the discovery was made that there are undisclosed amounts of THC in the town’s water supply. L O L

A few thoughts:

1. Why has no one bottled this magic water yet? Do I have to go and bottle it myself? Is this my new million dollar idea?

2. Why are people in Colorado being tested for weed? It’s legal? Is that counterproductive?

3. This was declared an “emergency” by town officials. What kind of emergency? Everyone is happy and laughing their asses off all day and are generally better, more relaxed humans? Poor word choice.