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Month: September 2016

TOP SHELF BOOKS: Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

TOP SHELF BOOKS: Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

dark-matter-blake-crouch

Dark Matter

By Blake Crouch

Before we get to Dark Matter – a book I enjoyed immensely – I’d like to take a quick look at the books I’ve read recently that I think everyone should read. I just haven’t had the time to write about them. So, my two readers, here’s what I’ve been reading this past month:

Heroes of the Frontier – Dave Eggers: I love me some Dave Eggers. I know some people don’t like him. That’s fine. His first work, a sorta, kinda memoir entitled  A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, was real dope. Loved it. Heroes of the Frontier is his latest offering and, unlike a lot of his other work, it is an out and out novel. It’s about a mom and her kids that ran away from their life in the American South and end up in Alaska. It’s good.

Hell’s Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga – Hunter S. Thompson: This is Thompson’s, the guy who pioneered “Gonzo” Journalism and wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, first book-length work. It also served as my introduction to the notorious and supremely talented writer. (I’d obviously heard of him, but reading Terry McDonell’s new book convinced me to read him.) Thompson embedded with the Angels for a year, observing and often engaging in their antics. It’s nuts and bewildering and excellent.

The Long Walk – Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman): Stephen King is probably my favorite storyteller. He’s endlessly readable and a much better writer than some – dummies – give him credit for. It was the first novel he ever wrote, but wasn’t published until 1985. It is a bit reminiscent of The Hunger Games if  The Hunger Games was actually good (OK,  The Hunger Games is fine). Gist: 100 boys enter a contest each year and walk as long as they can without stopping. If they fall below a 4-miles-an-hour pace bad things happen. Seems simple enough, but, told from the perspective of one of the contestants, King delves deep psychologically, bringing to light things you wouldn’t expect. The physical aspect will pound you into the ground. It’s a must-read.

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald: What? I never had to read it for school, OK? It’s obviously really good. If you haven’t read it, you should. I don’t think I need to add anything else re this classic.

A Moveable Feast – Ernest Hemingway: Oh, Papa. I’ll admit it, I got stuck about a third of the way through A Farewell to Arms and never finished. But then I ripped through The Sun Also Rises, becoming a Hemingway devotee like most of us. A Moveable Feast was the last thing Hemingway wrote before he killed himself; in fact, it wasn’t totally finished. It’s a mostly autobiographical work focusing on the time Hemingway spent in Paris as a young, and very poor, writer. Stating the obvious, his prose is simple and exacting, and nearly impossible to stop reading. He spends quite a bit of time detailing his friendship with Scott Fitzgerald, which compelled me to read The Great Gatsby.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem – Joan Didion: Some writers, when I read them for the first time, along with the sheer joy of finding their work, bring about in me an anger at having lived so long without reading them. Didion is the best example of this. My lord can she write. Regardless of what topic she is addressing, whatever you’re reading of hers will be the best thing you read that day without a doubt. This is her first collection of essays, and established her as one of the best American writers ever. Most of the pieces revolve around her experiences living in California. The title piece is a supremely powerful examination of the hippie/drug culture that took over in the 60s. I can’t recommend this highly enough.


So, Dark MatterFirst impressions: sweet buttered biscuits, grandma. This is a straight up thrill ride with some twists and turns you see coming and others you certainly do not. It most definitely sci-fi – with a focus on quantum mechanics and the multi-verse, not aliens or the like – but works equally well as a family drama and love story.

Our protagonist, Jason Dessen, is a science professor that lives in a nice brownstone in Chicago with his wife and teenage son. One day, he wakes up in an unfamiliar part of town and everything has changed. No wife, no kid, different job. And he is confined to a room by an unknown organization filled with people who know him and think he is brilliant, but are unwilling to let him leave.

Dessen spends the rest of the book trying to figure out what happened while at the same time trying to get back to his family. The sci-fi and unending action serve as a vehicle for the reader to contemplate their life choices: their regrets and what-ifs. You know, “what if I would have chosen a different path earlier in my life” type stuff. It does this extremely well, pulling you in so you are completely invested in Dessen’s quest while simutaneously examining your own life.

I read it in two nights. I challenge you to try to hold out longer without finishing (that’s what she said).

Verdict: real good, must-read, not optional.

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HBO Announces ‘Game of Thrones’ Spinoff In Works — Here are some Ideas

HBO Announces ‘Game of Thrones’ Spinoff In Works — Here are some Ideas

From a Times piece today: During a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter at HBO’s Westworld premiere, programming president Casey Bloys revealed the network is open to continuing the medieval fantasy saga. “There are so many properties and areas to go to,” Bloys said. “For us, it’s about finding the right take with the right writer.”

Yup, this sounds like just about the worst idea ever, and I am extremely excited about it. Benioff and Weiss have said they will not take part in any Game of Thrones spinoffs (shocker) but the network is open to all ideas.

That’s where I come in. Let’s fire off some potential show ideas for our favorite cast, here is my top five:



 

danysuper

Dany Struggles Adapting to Life at Supercuts

Titled: Mhysa Sorry

“A queen turned civilian, Dany struggles not only to fit her name on that tiny nametag they give people at Supercuts, but also finds it annoying to fend off the odd sexual advances of men who can’t afford $40 haircuts. Tune in next week, where she burns a woman’s hair off after not realizing the curling iron was too hot to touch.


sno

Jon Snow Set’s A New Low-Score on Jeopardy

Title: Snow You Don’t

“Unable to secure the correct answer to a single question on celebrity jeopardy, Jon Snow finds his infamy maddening, and struggles through the everyday tasks of life like brushing your teeth, cutting your hair, and answering simple questions due to the insecurity he now faces.”


slay

Jamie and Bronn Sexual Conquests Get Their Own Show

Title: Slaying

“Trying to get his best buddy off of the love that broke his heart (also his sister), good friend Bronn takes Jamie to Las Vegas via horseback, where they try to ‘slay’ as many women as Lannister gold can buy.’


varys

Tyrion and Varys host a morning talk show in Seattle

Title: Wine in my Cereal

“Available both as a television show and a podcast, this new look on talk-radio combines one hosts love for alcohol, and the other’s affinity for the Kardashians and the secrets that their slave children keep.’ (editor’s note: please make this happen)


samwellsun

Samwell Tarly hosts a weekly cooking show

Title: Sundays with Sam

“Will it be stew again this week? Has his dad caught him yet? Find out weekly on the newest HBO show, and first cooking show on the network, Sundays with Sam. Occasionally featuring a much distraught Jon Snow, consistently looking for something.”



Send me your other ideas, @mikeyfowler18 , and let’s make HBO magic people.

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Long Island Chronicles : kris jenner, fendi antichrist

Long Island Chronicles : kris jenner, fendi antichrist

Kris Jenner – the antichrist wears fendi 

Well, with the recent ‘news’ (in quotations because of my very self-aware notion that this is not actual news and the world is suffering and I shouldn’t care about reality television stars blah blah blah) of Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian ending their time together, I’ve been really thinking hard about the matriarch that started it all – kris Jenner. 

Now, as a self-proclaimed feminist, I should be praising her business savvy and success in a world where massive bank accounts and very young romantic partners are usually reserved for men, and usually I am her number one fan. The woman took her ginormous family and made each and every one of them a world famous individual. While her tactics may be questionable and her ruthless self-promotion may disgust some, one thing that can not be denied is her pure determination to take over the world.. one child at a time. 

One spawn of hers is rob kardashian, the lonely son of rob kardashinan senior and kris Jenner. His fame began like the rest of them, hanging on the coat tails of his elder sisters sex tape. A reality show and club appearances were the extent of the family’s resume at the time, but kris Jenner had bigger and better plans for her offspring. 

Her girls were all for it, milking the publicity cow for all that it is fucking worth. There was no appearance too cheesy to host nor a product too ridiculous to promote. There was no such thing as subtlety or privacy. But poor rob always seemed to be one notch behind the rest of them. Sure, he was involved, but his disconnect was always quite apparent. And finally, he exited all together a few years back, with the main conversation among his family in regards to him was his battle with depression and addiction. 

Kris Jenner is, yes, the boss of the empire and also one of the executive producers of keeping up the kardashians, but she’s also a mother. And this mother chose to exploit her only son’s mental and emotional struggles for viewers. Kris Jenner allowed camera crews to document her and her family’s efforts to better Rob. While I’m not positive of how much power she has, I assume that when put against Ryan seacrest, another executive producer of the show, kris has the upper hand (and not just because of seacrest’s height challenges). I highly doubt the e! Channel wouldn’t allow their largest money maker to have no freedom in what is or is not shown on a show who’s title includes her own family name. 

Fast forward a few years and Rob has finally found himself back on the news reel thanks to a lovely little lady named blac chyna. Chyna is a hip hop …something? Actually not totally positive what or who she did to her to where she is today, but apparently she was the reason for Robs reemergence into the public eye. She motivated him and it definitely wasn’t for fame and/or money *rolling eyes emoji*. well, things ended up about how any good, healthy relationship ends up.. with an engagement and pregnancy a few months in.  

Cue- REALITY SHOW. once again, kris Jenner sees an opportunity and beats the shit out of it. Rob and Chyna’s e! Channel show premiered a few weeks ago and in all honestly, even I, the reality television connoisseur, could not bear to watch more than five minutes. It was horribly painful and lacked even more depth than the kardashians. It focused on robs issues and his intense insecurities that stop him from leaving the house. 

Once again, kris Jenner profits from her sons misfortunes. She sits idly by in the editing room and choose which moment should be at the forefront of national television. She promotes her daughters as if they are the picture of perfection, always implying the significant others (men) in their lives are the ones at fault, meanwhile she is doing the same to her very own son. I guess I’ve never thought too far into it, but kris Jenner might be Satan dressed in really fucking expensive clothes. 

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Derek’s friday quotes : Real Quotes from Real people on a friday

Derek’s friday quotes : Real Quotes from Real people on a friday

Is it? Could it be? Why yes, it is! It’s Friday. Congratulations on making it through another week everyone. And as a reward here are some well deserved quotes.

(Names may or may not have been changed… isn’t it fun when you don’t know)

 

Quote: 1

“Angela said Garret sharted so they had to leave”

 

Context:

Well this one is pretty straight forward. I don’t think this one needs any explaining. Obviously Garret sharted and could no longer stay at whatever venue we were at. Angela was nice enough to let another friend know so that person could pass along the message to the rest of the group. Garret and Angela were never seen again. Ok that’s an exaggeration, they were seen again but just not that night. When you shart in a public place, you don’t return within 24 hours… good rule of thumb.

 

Quote 2:

“He sent me a poop emoticon and said Jah live”

 

Context:

Without getting into a very long back story for this one, I have a friend that went crazy…legitimately crazy. For the purpose of this blog we’ll call him Bruce…

Before me and another friend cut ties with Bruce we did try and get him some help and talk sense into him. One day my friend texted Bruce to try and set up a time to meet in person and find out what was going on. But Bruce was crazy at this point so unlike a rational person that would set a time and place to meet, Bruce responded by sending a poop emoji and saying “Jah Live”. I found this out when I asked my friend how the text conversation was going and he said… “He sent me a poop emoticon and said Jah live.”

On a side note, I believe the reason I found this quote so funny was because my friend said “emoticon” in an actual conversation. I mean seriously who does that?

 

Anywho… Have a great weekend. For those that are I’m sorry. But either way, I hope you’re next two days are free of sharts, but if they’re not make sure you tell your friends with plenty of poop emoticons.

 

poop

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Pop Warner kid gets steamrolled

Pop Warner kid gets steamrolled

WHEN YOU SAW THE HOMIE FLIRTING WITH YOUR GIRL AT SNACK TIME (via @reddevil75lb)

A video posted by Best Celebrations (@bestcelebrations) on Sep 28, 2016 at 7:05pm PDT

That’s gotta be the youngest person to ever be concussed. (outside of babies being dropped by terrible parents). Some check number 6 for CTE.

Number 8 needs a timeout for that one.

Number 6 needs an actual timeout and some smelling salts.

Number 8 can honestly put this hit on his highlight reel when he’s trying to get colleges to recruit him.

Number 6 learned once you’ve gotten the ball past the line of scrimmage you’re golden… just slide and take the down.

Number 8 just got his first taste of blood, and now has an unquenchable thirst to steam roll toddlers into next Tuesday.

Number 6 is rethinking his pop Warner career, and will probably start playing an instrument.

Number 8 just became the the number one bachelor at recess.

Number 6 is gunna be sipping lunchables through a straw.

Any bets that the parents of number 6 and 8 started brawling in the stands?

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gary johnson has done some drugs

gary johnson has done some drugs

So i blogged this earlier in the month when Johnson pretty embarrassingly didn’t know where the de-facto capital of Syria’s war mongered state was and everyone kind of flipped out (deservedly so) among the rest of the general noise of this election.

Here we are again last night with Chris Matthews who looks absurdly not bad for 70 years old just fucking peppering Johnson and Weld in this town hall scenario. Weld handles his shit fairly well – classic north-easterner while johnson looks like the high school junior who makes waaaaay stronger weed candy then they need to before school and have to answer something esoteric about T.S. Eliot at 9 am winds up getting sent to the nurse because they can’t talk and gets an A on the paper two weeks later.

Here’s the thing – johnson deserves to be fucking lambasted for these fuck ups (how do you not just say Obama?) ANYONE – I mean I guess a better move would’ve been to be like fuck all the other world leaders I don’t respect anyone considering the literal credo of the libertarian is to not care about anything outside the party. But c’mon – no merkel? trudeau? Janet Yellen probably would’ve been acceptable considering the fed is basically its own free state.

But here we are – par for the course, decidedly un-trumpian but no where near experienced enough to lie swiftly on national television and have hordes of people believe ya. He’s the weed candidate, after all – it only makes sense.

 

WE. ARE. FUUUUUCKED.

 

 

 

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Grandpa loves his new light up sneakers and I love him

Grandpa loves his new light up sneakers and I love him

Ah old people man, they’re the coolest.

“Get out of town” is such an old person phrase… right up there with “Jimeny Cricket”

You know grandpa is gunna rock the shit out of those shoes at Bingo Gunna be telling his boy Chester about how much his kids love him.

Poor old Chester is gunna be sitting their in his Steph Curry sneaks wondering if his kids are ever coming back while dope ass grandpa hits on Ethel with the hip replacement.

In all seriousness those shoes are pretty good looking, I think light up kicks need to make a comeback.

Could you imagine how much happier the world would be if everyone had light up sneakers.

 

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