“All these people are dumb as hell.” – Me
Let’s get a few things out the way first:
One: Taj from Van Wilder – or as we know him here in the Power Rankings, Speech Writer Guy – is the best thing about Designated Survivor, imo. He’s funny and smart and nails the tone necessary with all the “seriousness” going on around him. He also has the best lines, which leads me to…
Two: Good Saint Christ, the dialogue in this show. Woof. It switches between being more on the nose than Trump’s gold baby photos to being so dumb as to kick down your door and personally insult your intelligence to your face, e.g. re: the dud bomb, the bomb inspector guy goes on and on about its contents while FBI Lady (I knew we’d get the good good from her) slowly realizes what the dumbest among us saw immiediatley: it’s a plant. It wasn’t supposed to go off.
As FBI Lady works through it, seemingly in slow motion, Exceedinlgy Dumb Bomb Inspector Guy still can’t follow the bread crumb trail. Shit had me screaming GET THERE FASTER.
Three: The two candidates for Chief of Staff – Former Assistant Who Tries Too Hard and Presidential Aid Guy Who is Probably Going to Turn on Jack – are just world-class stupid. When Prez Jack plays Michigan Governor Shithead for the fool that he is, ol’ boy asks if he should let Homeland Security know that their agents have been released. Prez is all like, it was a lie dummy. Ol’ girl chimes in with “…it was a bluff” with a dumbass look of realization on her face. GGAAAAAAHHHHHH so goddamn dumb.
Let’s do it.
DEFINITIVE DESIGNATED SURVIVOR CHARACTER POWER RANKINGS
(5) Mama Bear – Mrs. Bauer makes the cut this time by way of one single line: “YOU HAD ONE JOB.” She says it to her kid – After School Special Pretty Boy Drug-Dealing Son – after he failed to stop his little sister from watching TV, which allowed her to see her dad get rushed off screen by Secret Service due to what turned out to just be a doofus reaching for his cell phone. Bauer Jr. does have luscious locks though, am I right?
(4) Racist-Ass DC Cop Guy – He’s the guy that stops our guy Taj whilst the latter is walking home simply because he is brown. Cop Guy gives us such eloquent gems as “What’s in the bag?” (“Work stuff”), (“I work at the White House”) “The White House huh?”, and “Is that your real name?” (“According to my mother”). What a giant piece of human garbage. But props to the actor who plays the racist dope, he sold the shit out of it. He probably won’t be in another episode so this is his swan song. Making it up to fourth place in our very official Power Rankings ain’t bad. Lotta heavy hitters around here.
(3) Michigan Governor Shithead – Did you realize governor has two Rs in it? I didn’t. Anyway, Gov. Shithead is an excellent distillation of every alt-right douchebag that has an egg as his Twitter avatar. Ordering his police to harass and detain any Muslim-looking person they come across (ends in the death of a 17-year-old); basically trying to make Michigan his own kingdom; telling Prez Jack to piss off (bad move fella!). He’s every ultra-conservative mouth-breathing tea bagger’s wet dream. Also, I believe he’s played by the actor from HBO’s The Leftovers season one who was kind of imaginary and always had a fat chaw in.
(2) Speech Writer Guy – “Cynical” has been removed from his name because he is fully Team Prez Bauer now. He jokes his way through police harassment and gives the Prez a pass for not doing the best job with his first national address. As mentioned above, he’s the most realistic and engaging part of the show. He should also be along for the long haul, giving him a leg up on much of the competition. Keeping doing you, Taj.
(1) Jack Bauer – Prez Bauer was falling down the Power Rankings in my mind while I watched the episode. He took some Ls, but most of the friggin government was blowed up so that was always going to happen. But then he outsmarted Gov. Shithead – which was like outsmarting a 5-year-old – AND then dropped the hammer on Extremely Too Head Strong Old School General Guy (who fell out of the Top 5 because he sucks). General Guy wanted to place the blame on a certain group when the FBI was only 75% sure that that group was to blame. Prez Bauer was like, hail naw, I need more proof. Then the following exchange happend:
Jack Bauer: “Come back with more than 75% and I’ll launch the damn missiles myself.”
General Guy: “How much more?”
Jack Bauer (walk-off): “25 DAMMIT.”
These fools gonna learn that Prez Jack Bauer don’t play. It will take a lot to knock him out of the top spot.
Just Outside the Top 5: FBI Lady (how the hell was that picture she pulled out of the rubble pretty much intact?), Designated Survivor 2 That is Telegraphing Her Heel Turn Lady, Pretty Boy Drug-Dealing Son (his hair tho).
See you in a week for the updated Power Rankings.
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