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Month: September 2016

Designated Survivor Character Power Rankings: Episode 2

Designated Survivor Character Power Rankings: Episode 2

“All these people are dumb as hell.” – Me

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Let’s get a few things out the way first:

One: Taj from Van Wilder – or as we know him here in the Power Rankings, Speech Writer Guy – is the best thing about Designated Survivor, imo. He’s funny and smart and nails the tone necessary with all the “seriousness” going on around him. He also has the best lines, which leads me to…

Two: Good Saint Christ, the dialogue in this show. Woof. It switches between being more on the nose than Trump’s gold baby photos to being so dumb as to kick down your door and personally insult your intelligence to your face, e.g. re: the dud bomb, the bomb inspector guy goes on and on about its contents while FBI Lady (I knew we’d get the good good from her) slowly realizes what the dumbest among us saw immiediatley: it’s a plant. It wasn’t supposed to go off.

As FBI Lady works through it, seemingly in slow motion, Exceedinlgy Dumb Bomb Inspector Guy still can’t follow the bread crumb trail. Shit had me screaming GET THERE FASTER.

Three: The two candidates for Chief of Staff – Former Assistant Who Tries Too Hard and Presidential Aid Guy Who is Probably Going to Turn on Jack – are just world-class stupid. When Prez Jack plays Michigan Governor Shithead for the fool that he is, ol’ boy asks if he should let Homeland Security know that their agents have been released. Prez is all like, it was a lie dummy. Ol’ girl chimes in with “…it was a bluff” with a dumbass look of realization on her face. GGAAAAAAHHHHHH so goddamn dumb.

Let’s do it.

DEFINITIVE DESIGNATED SURVIVOR CHARACTER POWER RANKINGS

(5) Mama Bear – Mrs. Bauer makes the cut this time by way of one single line: “YOU HAD ONE JOB.” She says it to her kid – After School Special Pretty Boy Drug-Dealing Son – after he failed to stop his little sister from watching TV, which allowed her to see her dad get rushed off screen by Secret Service due to what turned out to just be a doofus reaching for his cell phone. Bauer Jr. does have luscious locks though, am I right?

one-job

(4) Racist-Ass DC Cop Guy – He’s the guy that stops our guy Taj whilst the latter is walking home simply because he is brown. Cop Guy gives us such eloquent gems as “What’s in the bag?” (“Work stuff”), (“I work at the White House”) “The White House huh?”, and “Is that your real name?” (“According to my mother”). What a giant piece of human garbage. But props to the actor who plays the racist dope, he sold the shit out of it. He probably won’t be in another episode so this is his swan song. Making it up to fourth place in our very official Power Rankings ain’t bad. Lotta heavy hitters around here.

(3) Michigan Governor Shithead – Did you realize governor has two Rs in it? I didn’t. Anyway, Gov. Shithead is an excellent distillation of every alt-right douchebag that has an egg as his Twitter avatar. Ordering his police to harass and detain any Muslim-looking person they come across (ends in the death of a 17-year-old); basically trying to make Michigan his own kingdom; telling Prez Jack to piss off (bad move fella!). He’s every ultra-conservative mouth-breathing tea bagger’s wet dream. Also, I believe he’s played by the actor from HBO’s The Leftovers season one who was kind of imaginary and always had a fat chaw in.

(2) Speech Writer Guy – “Cynical” has been removed from his name because he is fully Team Prez Bauer now. He jokes his way through police harassment and gives the Prez a pass for not doing the best job with his first national address. As mentioned above, he’s the most realistic and engaging part of the show. He should also be along for the long haul, giving him a leg up on much of the competition. Keeping doing you, Taj.

(1) Jack Bauer – Prez Bauer was falling down the Power Rankings in my mind while I watched the episode. He took some Ls, but most of the friggin government was blowed up so that was always going to happen. But then he outsmarted Gov. Shithead – which was like outsmarting a 5-year-old – AND then dropped the hammer on Extremely Too Head Strong Old School General Guy (who fell out of the Top 5 because he sucks). General Guy wanted to place the blame on a certain group when the FBI was only 75% sure that that group was to blame. Prez Bauer was like, hail naw, I need more proof. Then the following exchange happend:

Jack Bauer: “Come back with more than 75% and I’ll launch the damn missiles myself.”

General Guy: “How much more?”

Jack Bauer (walk-off): “25 DAMMIT.”

These fools gonna learn that Prez Jack Bauer don’t play. It will take a lot to knock him out of the top spot.

Just Outside the Top 5: FBI Lady (how the hell was that picture she pulled out of the rubble pretty much intact?), Designated Survivor 2 That is Telegraphing Her Heel Turn Lady, Pretty Boy Drug-Dealing Son (his hair tho).

See you in a week for the updated Power Rankings.

 

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let’s play a game called is jake going to spend more on tomorrows chance the rapper show than he did on couches for his apartment?

let’s play a game called is jake going to spend more on tomorrows chance the rapper show than he did on couches for his apartment?

the moral of the story is that my free tickets fell through because life is a cruel mistress going through your phone at the inopportune time and the answer is yes, yes I am going to outspend the furniture.

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Atlanta: “Nobody Beats the Biebs” recap

Atlanta: “Nobody Beats the Biebs” recap

(Shaun had to take the week off so it’s just Michael H. handling the recap duties; sorry.)

This show, man. Donald Glover plays with reality and “what’s expected” just enough to keep the viewer off balance coming into each scene.

This was extremely evident in last night’s episode, written by Glover’s brother Stephen (“Stevie G the Prince“) and entitled “Nobody Beats the Biebs,” which features a black Justin Bieber. That’s a hell of a switch-up and it makes for some fantastic scenes between Biebs and Paper Boi, both of which are playing in a charity basketball game.

By the end of the episode, Paper Boi is dismissed as a thug that should just play the role of the rapper that he is – i.e. be mean and scary -, Darius is run out of a shooting range by white people pointing guns at him, and Earn is constantly looking over his shoulder for a crazy white lady who apparently thinks all black people look alike. All of these scenarios deal heavily with race in that racism is the reason they all happen the way they do.

Darius, for instance, encounters little trouble when he arrives at the shooting range. The hilariously dark act of putting up a target of a dog to shoot at, however, immediately brings on trouble. A hillbilly white dude can’t believe Darius is shooting at a dog (“what if my kid was in here?!”) even though he has been shooting at a silhouette of a human being the whole time. Darius tries to explain the logic behind his choice of target: dogs in his neighborhood are big and mean and will bite the shit out of you. Of course, this doesn’t sway White Dude one bit; they continue to argue until the owner of the place busts in, pointing a shotgun directly at Darius. He – Darius – appears slightly alarmed, but not surprised in the least that it ended the way it did.

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Paper Boi and Earn arrive at the aforementioned charity basketball game moments before black Justin Bieber. Paper, taking in the antics of the Beibs, asks something along the lines of “why do we have to have a gimmick to get noticed?” Our duo split apart here: Paper Boi to get ready for the game, Earn to join a highfalutin mixer full of agents and talent representatives.

Paper Boi is rebuffed by a reporter who claims that she isn’t into “gangster rap, and neither is my audience” before sitting down with black Bieber. Paper takes the frustration this creates out onto the court with him – he and Biebs start talking shit, which leads to a funny physical confrontation with both of them rolling around on the floor cursing at each other. At the post game press conference, Beibs says he would like to apologize for his actions by performing a new song for the media, who gobble it up. Which is surreal because do you think real-life Bieber would have gotten so many second chances if he wasn’t white? Paper Boi is dumbfounded, and then promptly brushed off by the reporter once again.

(Let’s talk about the basketball scenes real quick. First, the action was only to serve as a vehicle to bring black Bieber and Paper together, so, fine. But none of the actors – including Jaleel White, who was the best of the bunch – looked like they had played much ball before. Did you see those layups?!? And the non-dribble ankle-breaking crossovers have been the only unintentional comedy in the whole series. Anyway, it’s beside the point, but it was terrible.)

Earn is granted access to the VIP area because an old white lady – Janice – thinks he’s Alonzo, a former coworker of hers that apparently stabbed her in the back. Earn, and the audience, don’t find out that last tidbit until the end when she freaks out on him, saying she won’t stop until she ruins his life. Glover’s facial reactions during the tirade are priceless – especially when Janice accuses him of having a “sharecropper smile.” Before the meltdown, Earn makes the most of his time among the big wigs, making contacts and collecting business cards, always informing his new acquaintances that he is “independent” i.e. not under the umbrella of any major talent agency.

We didn’t see Van in this episode so we should get a pretty healthy dose of the weird-ass relationship next week. As the show seems to be jumping forward in time to varying degrees, we may also see the first fruits of Earn’s networking coup.

Finally, I didn’t realize that that was Glover singing on that fake Bieber song until the credits started rolling. Love that dude. Love this show.

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Coincidence or Higher Power? The (Maybe) Religion Behind ‘Sport Miracles’

Coincidence or Higher Power? The (Maybe) Religion Behind ‘Sport Miracles’

Writer’s Note: Listen, this won’t be some mumbo-jumbo religious blog post centered around possibly circumstantial situations that all happened together in the same week. I will refrain from injecting personal beliefs as best as possible. I will use the word God, I will use the word religion, and I will talk about Tim Tebow. There ya go. 

This week has a cloud of pessimism surrounding it one way or another in the grand scheme of things un-sport. Regardless how you view our current state of political affairs or the civil unrest in some of the communities in our country, it just sort of is not a good feeling waking up in the morning. The debate was laughably amateur, leading to a bit of a “pit in the stomach” feeling for a lot of Americans about the choices we have moving forward. The protests make you want to log off twitter for the night. Facebook is basically a cesspool for all of the uncles that families try and avoid inviting to Thanksgiving because their niece Charlotte might be dating an african-american.

So what do many Americans turn to in times like this? They seem to ratchet up their love and dedication for sports teams who could give two shits about them, pouring their heart, souls, and potential real-life problems into their fandom for teams hell-bent on taking money and crushing dreams. Sounds bleak and disparaging? It should. We are all sort of fucked.

This week tho… THIS WEEK THO.


Example A – Dee Gordon and the Miami Marlins

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The Miami Marlins lost their ace pitcher, Jose Fernandez, to a boating accident over the weekend. That was absolutely horrible news. The worst kind of news the world of sports can introduce.

He was 24 years old. Born in 1992. He had a family, he was going to be a father, and he had the world in front of him. It was crushing to the players, fans, and members of the media who had the chance to know him. Tragedy.

The Marlins played their first game after the loss of Fernandez on Monday night.

Magic ensued.

Dee Gordon hit a home run to start the game and could not help but break down into tears. It was absolutely amazing for the city, for the team, and for him personally. He was quoted after the game saying this:

“I ain’t never hit a ball that far, even in BP,” said Gordon, according to USA Today. “I told the boys, ‘If you all don’t believe in God, you better start.’ For that to happen today, we had some help.”

Now, there are two ways you can look at this as a human being. The first mindset is that there was something larger at play that we fail to understand as a species of animal that maintain a self-awareness we consider elite, but pails in comparison to the actual grand scheme of whatever this whole thing is. The other way to view this is that the adrenaline and overwhelming sense of grief, coupled with a grooved fastball, allowed for ‘magic’ to become apparent in a practical way.

Either way you look at it, there is a conversation to be had centering around belief and religion.


Example B – Tim Tebow

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Tim Tebow, considered by many to be the most in-touch religious figure the sports world has produced since Jesus pinch-hit in the early days of baseball, has been the subject of media scrutiny since he first donned the 3:16 eye black as a member of the Florida Gators football team.

One heisman, national title, first round NFL draft selection, playoff road victory in Pittsburgh later, his days as a football player reached their conclusion. People labeled him a ‘loser’ who was ‘unfit to play’ in the NFL any longer. The media LOVES to hate on Tim Tebow.

But, his ideals and practices can not be understated. His work rate and persistence, while remaining dedicated to the overall belief that trusting in God will bring him to the pinnacle of his career, has been the staple of his persona since the start.

Needless to say, these two points coming together made his decision to pursue BASEBALL in lieu of football a much maligned one, with the general consensus ruling that he was going to fail again. Some even labeled him ‘disrespectful’ to the actual MLB players who he seemed to be undermining.

Either way, the man who people associate with religion in sport stepped up to the plate in his first career professional baseball game today, and this happened:

He hit a home run on the first pitch he saw. Now, there are two ways to look at this again. Either he is being used as a beacon by higher powers to prove that the true staples of human success derive from belief, hard work, and trust in religion, OR he just hit a home run because he is a talented athlete who got the pitch he wanted at the right time.

Again, like the Dee Gordon moment above, interpret it as you may, but the fact that questions are even being asked speaks to the level of insanity and improbability they both maintain as a collective. Two moments, so heavily rooted in religion, in the same week.

When we needed it the most.

There are a lot of weird things that happen in sports, but sometimes you have to wonder who writes the scripts.

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Dolphin sends direct message to surfer to get out of the water

Dolphin sends direct message to surfer to get out of the water

That’s Flipper’s way of saying “Excuse me, could you please get the fuck out of my ocean”.

I mean holy shit could you get a more direct message from mother nature

Sure, people will say this dolphin’s jump wasn’t malicious and can be chalked up to a freak accident. But dolphins are some of the smartest animals in the world and it’s clear that jump was calculated.

How do I know this, I watched an episode of The Simpsons.

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Trips to Mars are gunna be really long, really expensive and you’ll probably die

Trips to Mars are gunna be really long, really expensive and you’ll probably die

Elon Musk just wrapped up an intricate and thorough presentation that covered his and SpaceX’s vision of humans building a city on the surface of Mars. But throughout that talk, he didn’t actually address exactly who should go. During the Q&A session that followed, the question inevitably came up: what sort of person does Musk think will volunteer to get strapped to that big rocket and fired toward the Red Planet? “Who should these people be, carrying the light of humanity to Mars for all of us?” an audience member asked. “I think the first journeys to Mars will be really very dangerous,” answered Musk. “The risk of fatality will be high. There’s just no way around it.The journey itself would take around 80 days, according to the plan and ideas that Musk put forward.

“Are you prepared to die? If that’s okay, then you’re a candidate for going,” he added. But Musk didn’t want to get stuck talking about the risks and immense danger. “This is less about who goes there first… the thing that really matters is making a self-sustaining civilization on Mars as fast as possible. This is different than Apollo. This is really about minimizing existential risk and having a tremendous sense of adventure,” he said.

And while accidental death may be a strong possibility in those first few attempts to get humans on Mars, Musk doesn’t seem to think that outcome will dissuade people who want to make an incredible mark on life.

“It would be an incredible adventure. I think it would be the most inspiring thing that I can possibly imagine. Life needs to be more than just solving problems every day. You need to wake up and be excited about the future, and be inspired, and want to live.”

Today, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk unveiled the Mars vehicle — the spaceship his company plans to build to transport the first colonists to Mars. The spaceship is meant to launch from Earth on top of the booster and then travel the rest of the way on its own to the Red Planet.

Though not finalized, the first spaceship will probably be named “Heart of Gold,” a reference to the spacecraft in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It will have a diameter of 17 meters.

The plan is to send about 100 people per trip, though Musk wants to ultimately take 200 or more per flight to make the cost cheaper per person. The trip can take as little as 80 days or as many as 150 depending on the year and the technology. The hope is that the transport time will be only 30 days “in the more distant future.

The rocket booster will have a diameter of 12 meters and the stack height will be 122 meters. The spaceship should hold a cargo of up to 450 tons depending on how many refills can be done with the tanker.

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80 days?! 80 DAYS?!

Are you kidding me Elon?

If a trip to Mars was available tomorrow and it was free, I still wouldn’t go strictly because it’ll take over 2 months to get there.

Imagine the shortest flight you’ve ever taken. A thirty minute flight wedged between strangers. Somebody smells, a baby is crying, and it costs 10 dollars for a something resembling a Lunchable…. welcome to your life for the next 80 days if you want to go to Mars. Thanks but I’ll pass.

And what about the small minute detail that if you’re going on the first trip you’re basically guaranteed to die. Looking at a Mars trip realistically, you’re gunna pay about $200,000 to take the longest flight of your life and then die.

Let’s look at traveling to Mars optimistically. Let’s say you don’t die. Let’s say you get an aisle seat and the food is delicious. You know who can afford the flight? Not you. The only people able to do the trip are celebrities. It all goes back to the whole 80 days of traveling thing (160 if you want to come back home and lets face it you will, Mars blows). So at the bare minimum time you’ll be traveling for almost three months if you don’t want to come back to earth and you only spend a day on that stupid red planet.

But if you’re a normal traveler and want to get you’re money’s worth your stay at the destination is obviously gunna be longer than the trip itself. So if you want to come back you’re looking at almost a year away from a job  People would literally have to quit their job in order to take this trip. And if they don’t quit, you can bet your ass they are gunna get fired.

No boss is gunna say “No worries, take a year off to Mars, we’ll have the interns pick up the slack while you’re gone.”

Mars trips aren’t happening, at least not for normal people. And when celebs go and check out the Red Planet you can kiss their ass goodbye. Because guess what? They’re dead the moment they board that rocket.

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Naked Katy Perry is the best way to get people to vote

Naked Katy Perry is the best way to get people to vote

 

Naked Katy Perry is definitely the smartest way to get people to head to the polls on election day.

Guilting people into voting is the old move, we’ve become callous to it. Telling us if we don’t vote then we’re part of the problem is never going to work.

P Diddy couldn’t even get us to vote even after threatening us with death.

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But this move by funny or die should be the first step in a Naked Katy Perry Campaign to get people to vote. In order to actually get people into the election booth I propose a life-size topless Katy Perry cutout at each election precinct.

Even a cutout of dumpy Katy Pery from this video would get me to go. And for the men and women not attracted to her, throw up a naked cut out of Channing Tatum or something from Magic Mike. Sex sells and sex will get people to vote.

Katy do it for your country… approve the cutout…

Too bad no matter how many people come out and vote, the result is gunna suck either way. Would I like to to lose an arm or a leg?… that’s this election in a nutshell.

P.S.

It’s ironic how this election will probably have a great voter turnout strictly because people hate the candidate their not voting for. Counter-intuitive to the idea of getting out and voting for someone you love and trust. Just proves how powerful hate is.

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