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Month: October 2016

Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

So it’s Friday and I almost left my apartment without writing this blog… for shame (on me). But I thankfully caught myself and plopped myself on my couch to find some solid quotes. Spoiler Alert… this week we get away from the butt stuff. (Sorry to those of you who enjoy the butt stuff)

 

Quote 1:

“I’m hood as dick”

 

Context:

The specific circumstances around this quote are a bit fuzzy, my apologies. But, what I can do is give you a brief history of the the analogy of being “___ as dick”. My friends and I like to compare things. I’m sure you have friends who do the same thing. To make it known how good or bad something is you’d say this burrito tastes like “heaven” or something along those lines. Or if a party is bad you could say “damn this party is worse than the Holocaust”. (Hopefully you’ve never been to party that bad). Anyway, instead of comparing things to actual other things with some shred of relevance to whatever we’re talking about… we always end our analogy with “dick”. Dick is an all encompassing word for us. Normally we use dick to say how much something is… if something is really good, really bad, really funny, really sad…. All these “really moments” are compared to dick… it just makes sense. So for us, that burrito was “good as dick” or that party was “bad as dick” etc. etc.

 

Quote 2:

“I’m gunna airdrop you dildo in van”

 

Context:

From time to time my friends and I will talk about porn. This quote was said during one of those conversations. My friend was telling us about a video he had just seen titled “dildo in van”. He was saying how funny and ridiculous it was. Something more for entertainment purposes than sensual pleasure. From how he described the scene, it didn’t seem like my cup of tea. But he pressed me to go look it up and watch it. I refused, saying I really didn’t want to see what he was describing. He told me I was missing out, I said I was happy to not see it and I think I’d be mad if I ended up watching. My friend realized I was never going to go out of my way to watch “Dildo in van”. So he made it known that I wouldn’t need to chase down the video, he was gunna bring it to me… which brings us to “I’m gunna airdrop you dildo in van”

He was a man of his word. Dildo in van was airdropped.

I still have not seen Dildo in Van.

 

And that’s it. Hope your weekend is good as dick and you find a porn that get’s you so excited you want to share it with your friends.

 

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Long Island Chronicles : Schumer Lemonade

Long Island Chronicles : Schumer Lemonade

I was thinking about what to write the night before I was supposed to write it and I was leaning towards chatting about the Amy Schumer formation parody video. Naturally, after all of it went down I scoured the depths of the World Wide Web and soaked up every comment I could feast my eyes on.

So –  I was sitting on my subject matter for a while when I turned on my forever inspiration Andy Cohen. The man can get drunk at work and rules a reality television empire. Helllllllo – he’s my idol. His guests were Michael Bublé – who I will always picture as a 60-year-old Christmas music singer – and Abbi Jacobson, yassss queen. Andy was taking calls from fans (note: I’ve never called Andy because I think if he ever answered I would hang up on him) when one asked Abbi how she felt about the recent flack Schumer has been receiving for her Formation parody video.

 

My little ears lit up, because I fully believe in signs when it comes to writing about something. It’s like the universe is telling me, “yes Olivia, write about this, it really matters.” Abbi, a friend of Amy, responded with an insightful answer about social media exposure leading to torture by the public. Bublé stepped in and commented on how comedians shouldn’t have to be ‘politically correct, they’re supposed to cross the lines.’ Yes.

 

 

I hate the term politically correct, mostly because of how it saturates the media to death. It’s usually used in the context of an ignorant person saying something insensitive and labeling their naysayers “PC”. It’s turned into a really easy excuse for some people to say whatever they’d like without any consequences, claiming the people who take offense are just too politically correct. i think we should all be conscious of what we’re saying and how it can affect others negatively.

 

But, if there is one group of people who I feel do not need to be held to the standard of society, its comedians. While we can all be aware of what Beyoncé’s song formation is about and how important it is that the feelings of a huge population in America are heard, comedians can be aware of this while simultaneously using the material to do their job – make people laugh.

 

Amy Schumer is obvvvviously going to do a parody of the most talked about music video of all time, because Beyoncé is all mighty and we all aspire to be her. Alas, the public got their panties in a bunch and attacked Schumer for using the black community’s struggles as a cheap joke. Never mind the fact that the parody video was a Tidal exclusive, Tidal is run by Jay-Z, Jay-Z and Beyoncé are married with child.. Beyoncé knew about the video and didn’t have qualms about it, because you know if she did it wouldn’t have happened.

 

Amy Schumer is a comedian by trade, and she makes her dollars by making people laugh. Adults, to be precise. I don’t wanna live in a time when comedians aren’t allowed to commedicate *made up word* due to an oversensitive population.

 

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Dude is really good at mechanical bull riding, like really really good

Dude is really good at mechanical bull riding, like really really good

 

How in the hell do you even learn to do that?

That’s gotta be a goal this guy had since he was a kid.

All his buddies wanted to play pop warner and little league and every time they asked him to join he was like “Nah I’m gunna hop on my vew do balance board”

I can’t imagine the countless nights he sacrificed in order to be the best bull surfer in the land. Gave

But it was all worth it, he ended up on this blog get the notoriety he truly deserves.

Dudes the Johnny Tsunami of Mechanical Bulls (which wasn’t even a thing until he made it one.)

#trendsetter

Although some people will say this guys talent is useless while others will call it awe inspiring, one thing can’t be debated…

Bull surfer undoubtedly went home with every homegrown honey yee-hawin in the audience.

 

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jags – titans live blog

jags – titans live blog

the jaguars and titans are playing. jake is a titans fan. he hates himself and the titans but neither as much as the other. he purposely stayed out longer than intended on a rainy night so he wouldn’t have to check the score. he’s delighted to see that the titans are up 17-0 in the 2nd quarter and that mariaota has not fumbled for six points the other way (yet – it’s going to happen win or lose). he is drinking red wine and savoring the titans looking like a pseudo respectable football team.

 

27-0 tits, end of 2nd quarter. 

 

well that’s it, right? pretty sure the games over – i don’t why they’d play a 2nd half of an exhibition game. that’s it – titans have suprassed a win total of 3 games for the first time in as many years (I think, might be 4) and we are on the fucking upswing. it’s a small, sad, nearly debilitating victory – but houses are built one brick at a time.

 

p.s. half of me is expecting to wake up tomorrow to a 28-27 loss via mariatota fumbling in the last two minutes.

 

pp.s absolutely HATE mularkey not calling the T.O. to go for the touchdown there after henry went down at the four. build boldness, you defensive bastard.

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TODAY IN JAKE IS REALLY EXCITED THAT HIS BEST PAL CLAY IS GONNA COME ON VODKA SODA HAPPY HOUR

TODAY IN JAKE IS REALLY EXCITED THAT HIS BEST PAL CLAY IS GONNA COME ON VODKA SODA HAPPY HOUR

that’s me and clay in the pic (nbd)

hey so clay travis is this really cool dude who’s on radio for fox sports and is really reasonable on all his social issues even tho he basically is basically a modern sports journalist and a lot of people from the south seem to like him and i just wish we had #woke personalities like his in the northeast anyway i’ve been emailing him gifs of puppies for like three straight days and he said he’s gonna come on VSHH next week so GET EXCITED

NEW EP COMING TOMORROW

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Two new pictures are playing tricks on people’s eyes, Shiny paint legs and Bill Hanks

Two new pictures are playing tricks on people’s eyes, Shiny paint legs and Bill Hanks

It’s been a while, but some legitimate optical illusions have taken the internet by storm again.

First these legs…

10-26-legs

 

 

After a very unofficial survey (of asking a couple people at work) …everyone (at first glance) is saying this person has the oiliest legs ever. Shining like these hamhocks were just sprayed down with a coat of PAM. But unfortunately…

 

****SPOILER ALERT****

 

That man did not fall into a fat of grease. He’s just a messy painter who got some crap on his legs. Once you see the paint, you can’t unsee it. Those legs will never shine again once you see paint.

 

Here’s the second mind fuck….

bill-murray-and-a-baby

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying “It’s a picture of Bill Murray making fun of a child.”

Take a second look.

Are you sure it’s not Tom Hanks crying?

Who do you see? Billy Murray or Tom Hanks?

The first time I looked at it I was like “That’s clearly Billy Murray.”

But then I started second guessing myself. I closed my eyes and imagined what Tom Hanks would look like if he stubbed his toe… the result was the above picture.

 

But then actually looking at the picture again, it’s instantly back to Murray. But then picture Tom Hanks yelling and squinting in your head this is the picture you’ll see. So who is it? Is it the man you see in your head, or is it the man in front of your eyes?

 

****SPOILER ALERT****

 

It’s Bill Murray.

 

Not sure if that means my gut instinct was right or wrong.

 

P.S. No these pictures are not more controversial than the Dress. The Dress tore families and friendships apart. These new pics are just good conversation starters.

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LANKY BRAZILIANS AND THE STATE OF THE NBA

LANKY BRAZILIANS AND THE STATE OF THE NBA

Bruno Caboclo is officially two years away from being an NBA player.

 

The league is back and better than ever unless you consider that parity thing to be an issue. We will shelve that topic now and stick with the “two years away” theme. The lanky Brazilian should be a reliable NBA competitor in a couple of years. In what other ways will the NBA change in the next few years? What teams are lurking in the shadows, waiting for Lebron to meet his most elusive rival to date: Father Time? What owners are doing their best Mr. Burns impression while waiting for the current super teams to phase out? Yes, this current season has just tipped off. Still, I am going to show a little prescience here and look to the future. After all, my Celtics won’t truly be contenders until then always.

 

 

Detroit Pistons:

Drummond, Johnson, Harris, KCP and Ellenson are all under 25. The non-baseball Reggie Jackson is 26. In two years this team will see its core players entering their prime or firmly in it. The team is moving out of Auburn Hills and back into the heart of the city (cue Jay-Z song.) Free agents are never attracted to Detroit however; a reenergized city supporting a growing cast of studs with a proven head coach has tons of potential. The natural growth of this team will make it a fringe contender in a few years. They’re a better point guard away from scaring the hell out of some teams.

 

Fear the Deer:

Or, fear their old jerseys should they ever make a comeback. The NBA landscape is changing. We’re moving towards a game of interchangeable parts and fluidity; position-less basketball. No team is better equipped to adapt to this movement than the Bucks. Giannis can defend and play four positions on the court. Kris Middleton is the league’s best kept secret. The guy can defend three positions and kill you from deep. Jabari is the next generation of hybrid forward; players who are quick enough to defend 3s and strong enough to defend 4s. Think of him as Paul Millsap with a better offensive game (aka a future multiple time all star.) There will be times when you simply cannot discern what player is playing which position. Watch out.

 

Boston:

Some critics hated the Horford signing. Other applauded it, thinking it was the first of many dominoes to fall. I love it. In two years, some Cs will obviously be older however, they won’t be old. If you think this team is scary now, picture it with Smart, Rozier, Brown and a future #1 overall pick gaining more experience. The will be the league’s best blend of veteran savvy and youthful explosiveness. The most well rounded team in basketball, the Cs will be contenders regardless of other changes around the league.

 

‘Sota:

Smell ya, Rubio. I give it until December until the Spaniard is moved. Towns is going to win an MVP in his lifetime. If only he had an uber athletic wing with a growing skill set to compliment him? Oh wait, he does and his name is A. Wiggins. If only he had an uber athletic wing with a growing skill set to compliment him? Oh wait, he does and his name is Zach Lavine. Now he certainly needs an NBA ready point man on the defensive end with floor general potential. Dunn deal. The only way this team doesn’t progress is if Thibs doesn’t let it. Personally, I am worried he will run them into the ground by trying to win a championship in the first handful of years. Hopefully management can step in and allow this team to develop into the C’s future title rivals.

 

Rip City:

Don’t look now, but the oldest member of their core is 27 (Al-Farouq Aminu.) Some loathed the Turner signing but, his ability to run the offense will keep Dame and CJ properly rested as they wait for Golden State to simmer down. Sure, Portland is one more star away. They have the assets to get that star, however. They are waiting in the wings for a wing. There are a few 3s who could potentially want out of their city with two more years of predictable mediocrity. Paul George is on the most overhyped in the league and it’s a matter of time until Jimmy Butler realizes Chicago is a mess. Portland is the Celtics of the West except they actually have a top 15 player. Lilliard is legit and so are their chances of competing for a title in the next two years.

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