Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is famously the one night of the year where everyone pretends that they are happy with life in their mid-20’s.
“Oh yea life is great! I’ve literally ALWAYS wanted to do accounting. It’s great!”
For those of you who read this blog, I imagine you exist in a certain state of self-awareness and commonality that allows you to realize how petty and ridiculous it all is. That’s not to say you should stay in, because it is probably going to be a great time, but just that you don’t exactly look forward to seeing the high school defensive tackle who just opened his own fitness center and want’s to proclaim that he is an entrepreneur.
So, this has been written by people before but here it is. Your guide to dealing with people on this, the most famous night for ‘peaked in high school’ folk everywhere.
Rule One: Don’t Pregame
This is a weird one. Usually in order to cope in lame circumstances I would recommend drinking an exorbitant amount prior to any interaction with losers.
But in this case the opposite applies. You don’t want to be the drunkest dude at this party, and starting early will see you end up there. Drink a bit if you want, but don’t attend any crazy pregame parties. That’s how you end up “one of the pack” which is a bad thing, and also “throwing up” which doesn’t need to be in quotations.
Rule Two: Ask As Many Questions as Possible
You want to do this mainly to avoid talking about yourself, and the drunker you get and the more idiots you talk to you’ll want to prove to the old crew that you’re doing well. Don’t. It’s stupid and weird and corny. Let other people talk as much as possible. The less words you end up telling people about yourself on this night the better off you are. Answer with what you do, literally just the title, and ask an immediate question. Talking about yourself tonight is fucking whack. Smarten up.
Rule Three: Be Honest
Nothing will ruin your night faster than lying about something and getting called out for it. Remember that in this day and age, people already know the answers to the questions they are asking you because they hate their job and scroll facebook/twitter/IG all day. Don’t even bother lying to seem cool. You aren’t and that is perfectly okay.
Everyone gets so caught up trying to look cool. By not lying about yourself at all that actually makes you the only cool person there.
Rule Four: She Doesn’t Still Love You
Seriously dude, you don’t even like her anymore. You were SUCH a dickhead in high school, stop pretending you are soulmates who might figure it out tonight.
She is not into you anymore, and if you stopped drinking for one second you would realize she’s giving you the stink eye look, not that look.
Rule Five: Tip Well
It’s subtle, but tipping well creates the appearance of wealth even though you are broke AF. Also, if people ever wonder out loud how you’re doing at that establishment again you have someone on your side.
Rule Six: Don’t Be An Asshole
That’s all guys. Good luck tonight.FOLLOW THE OPEN FIELD