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Month: November 2016

Quick Guide to Drinking With Old High School Friends

Quick Guide to Drinking With Old High School Friends

Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is famously the one night of the year where everyone pretends that they are happy with life in their mid-20’s.

“Oh yea life is great! I’ve literally ALWAYS wanted to do accounting. It’s great!”

For those of you who read this blog, I imagine you exist in a certain state of self-awareness and commonality that allows you to realize how petty and ridiculous it all is. That’s not to say you should stay in, because it is probably going to be a great time, but just that you don’t exactly look forward to seeing the high school defensive tackle who just opened his own fitness center and want’s to proclaim that he is an entrepreneur.

So, this has been written by people before but here it is. Your guide to dealing with people on this, the most famous night for ‘peaked in high school’ folk everywhere.


Rule One: Don’t Pregame

This is a weird one. Usually in order to cope in lame circumstances I would recommend drinking an exorbitant amount prior to any interaction with losers.

But in this case the opposite applies. You don’t want to be the drunkest dude at this party, and starting early will see you end up there. Drink a bit if you want, but don’t attend any crazy pregame parties. That’s how you end up “one of the pack” which is a bad thing, and also “throwing up” which doesn’t need to be in quotations.

Rule Two: Ask As Many Questions as Possible

You want to do this mainly to avoid talking about yourself, and the drunker you get and the more idiots you talk to you’ll want to prove to the old crew that you’re doing well. Don’t. It’s stupid and weird and corny. Let other people talk as much as possible. The less words you end up telling people about yourself on this night the better off you are. Answer with what you do, literally just the title, and ask an immediate question. Talking about yourself tonight is fucking whack. Smarten up.

Rule Three: Be Honest

Nothing will ruin your night faster than lying about something and getting called out for it. Remember that in this day and age, people already know the answers to the questions they are asking you because they hate their job and scroll facebook/twitter/IG all day. Don’t even bother lying to seem cool. You aren’t and that is perfectly okay.

Everyone gets so caught up trying to look cool. By not lying about yourself at all that actually makes you the only cool person there.

Rule Four: She Doesn’t Still Love You

Seriously dude, you don’t even like her anymore. You were SUCH a dickhead in high school, stop pretending you are soulmates who might figure it out tonight.

She is not into you anymore, and if you stopped drinking for one second you would realize she’s giving you the stink eye look, not that look.

Rule Five: Tip Well

It’s subtle, but tipping well creates the appearance of wealth even though you are broke AF. Also, if people ever wonder out loud how you’re doing at that establishment again you have someone on your side.

Rule Six: Don’t Be An Asshole

That’s all guys. Good luck tonight.

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Things to talk about at Thanksgiving other than politics

Things to talk about at Thanksgiving other than politics

A lot of people are home or heading home – by home I mean their parents’ house – for the Thanksgiving break. The conversations surrounding Thanksgiving dinner are always seen as a field of landmines, but this year is the Bane of potentially awkward interactions.

Here are some other less horrible things to talk about besides politics:

1. Nana’s goiter.

2. That one time Uncle Fred brought a “date” to Christmas dinner who he claimed was 19 years old but everyone was very suspicious.

3. Japanese internment camps, wait, no, uh…

4. How handsome Jimmy Garoppolo is.

5. Go around the table and have everyone list and describe all their family pets that have died.

6. How insane it is that White Nationalism used to be a thing, crap, sorry, hmm…

7. The Problem of Evil, which goes something like this: if God is omnipotent, omnibenevolent, and omniscient why do horrendous things – e.g. Andrew Luck being concussed – happen constantly all over the world to billions of people.

8. Duke Basketball.

9. That one cousin who is in and out of jail, but his parents think he is a sweet boy that would never do anything wrong. Also, his parents are eating Thanksgiving dinner with you.

10. Twenty One Pilots…just kidding, they are the worst thing on Earth, don’t you ever dare speak of them.

Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

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boston bernie

boston bernie

wbur.org – In Boston on Sunday night, former Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders asked Democrats to pay close attention to the lessons of the election, arguing that the party needs to have a reckoning about why it lost.

“The working class of this country is being decimated — that’s why Donald Trump won,” Sanders said. “And what we need now are candidates who stand with those working people, who understand that real median family income has gone down.”

He added:

“Here is my point — and this is where there is going to be a division within the Democratic Party. It is not good enough for somebody to say, ‘I’m a woman, vote for me.’ No, that’s not good enough. What we need is a woman who has the guts to stand up to Wall Street, to the insurance companies, to the drug companies, to the fossil fuel industry.

In other words, one of the struggles that you’re going to be seeing in the Democratic Party is whether we go beyond identity politics. I think it’s a step forward in America if you have an African-American CEO of some major corporation. But you know what, if that guy is going to be shipping jobs out of this country, and exploiting his workers, it doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot whether he’s black or white or Latino.”

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Here we have a brazen if not masked admission of the upheaval the Democratic party is now in. Hillary lost the election, yes, and a large part of that, like for sure – had to do with her being a woman. Absolute banannaland to me that so many white women voted for Trump after the Billy Bush tape and the fallout. In any event – that’s the past, and here Bernie makes a point noted by many a Trump supporter over the past ten months that the Democratic party was largely too arrogant to take into account. That Hillary was a pretty bad candidate given the political landscape and that the slogan “I’m with Her” proved to be interpreted as a cop out to her most likely unstable and obviously chauvinistic and creepy adversary.

This should not be a revolutionary statement, but unfortunately it’s where one has to start after being plotted against by his own party – we’re talking about a guy who gives a shit. Sure socialism is insane, college will never be free in this country, but I mean, fuck – this is essentially a ’80’s era democrat undressing  HRC’s fatal flaws in less than a paragraph. Trump may be a cocksucker but holy moly does this show how poorly the media handled him.

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something besides the election to warm your ears this holiday season

something besides the election to warm your ears this holiday season

BBC NEWS – Pope Francis has declared that priests have the permanent right from now on to forgive abortions.

His remarks come at the end of the Catholic Church’s jubilee year during which he had temporarily granted priests this power.

In an Apostolic letter the pontiff also restated that abortion was a “grave sin” which ended “innocent life”.

Catholics who have or perform an abortion can be immediately excommunicated from the Church.

A Vatican spokesman confirmed that “there is no type of laxness here” regarding the Church’s position on the morality of abortion, but that the power given to priests meant God’s mercy could cover all sin.

“There is no sin that God’s mercy cannot reach and wipe away when it finds a repentant heart seeking to be reconciled [with God],” Pope Francis wrote in his letter.

“Mercy cannot become a mere parenthesis in the life of the church; it constitutes her very existence.

“May every priest, therefore, be a guide, support and comfort to penitents on this journey of special reconciliation.

Previously only bishops or special confessors could hear confessions for abortions and lift excommunication.

Priests in Britain and the US were already able to hear and forgive abortion confessions but in most of the world they did not have this authority.

Experts say that although the declaration may not have a practical impact, it is a shift in the Church’s traditional approach to abortion.

Father James Bretzke, a professor of moral theology at Boston College in the US said: “I think it’s very significant in the context of Pope Francis’ theme of his pontificate, which is going to go down as the pontificate of mercy.

“He sees mercy as absolutely the key.”

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haha. lol. much like the majority of catholic doctrine – this doesn’t say a fuck of a lot. Church, mass, sermons to boot – amounting to mainly to a less smelly DMV trip with clean if not unsatisfying refreshments and better hygeine on the part of the gate keepers. Anyway – between election talk and our president elect’s, men surrounding him, views on a woman’s right – this tidbit from a (so far as I’m paying attention which is literally not at all) pretty progressive pope is sure to rile the feathers of a couple older folks in your family who’ve begun to confuse their facebook feed for Brian Williams’ formerly legitimate news.

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this week in kanye west is obviously insane

this week in kanye west is obviously insane

Blogged this on Saturday. Kanye proceeded to go on another rant that night in Sacramento. It was long, I think he yelled at Beyonce, he talked about the radio a bunch, and then left the show three songs in or something. Then yesterday he announced he was cancelling the rest of his tour – forgoing an estimated $30m. And last night TMZ reported he’d been hospitalized in LA. Kneejerk reactions here.

Save the amenities that come with the wealth – he’s gotta fucking hate being rich by this point. If that robbery was even halfway real, then there’s no shot this guy has a perception of reality anymore. No wonder I liked Yeezus so much – probably a cry for help at this point.

I’d assume this is modern equivalent to guys OD’ing on heroin? I mean with how much he’s mentioned xanax over the past few years he’s gotta be dabbling in some stronger opioids – he was always crazy but that shit is no joke for the mental efficiency, don’t care how post modern warhol you are.

To that point – how flabbergasted is Kim that she’s managed to marry someone more unstable than anything else surrounding her family? Because that’s the fucking facts.

Finally – I get a lot of shit for being a big fan of this dude which is has never made a lot of sense to me. Have always been even keel that he’s a total fucking narcissist and that if you go to musicians or people generally famous for entertainment for advice on real world issues you are probably kind of a fucking dumbass (that’s obviously in contrast to my chance stuff but we’re talking about a very different era of people here) – anyway, this is further proof that you’ve gotta separate the art from the person – because rich or not most people fucking blow.

And in all seriousness this dude has clearly been so stuffed up kardashian stress relaxing oxy enemas for the past six years I doubt he can read with a blue somewhere near his body. The mental health in this country is absolutely fucking ravaged right now and the ultra whatever are clearly no exception – sad stuff. Anyway idk how Kim’s gonna get even more money out of this but I’m sure she already has. Unfuckingbelievable.

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dogs, dude

dogs, dude

love me some animals, love me this chinese food coming here in about ten minutes that’s totally up to FDA standards. look at these cute bastards. do you see these faces? do you see them? these are not the faces your lunatic relatives are going to be making on Thursday night as you simultaneously try not to puke out your wednesday hangover while siphoning the back end of the good whiskey from behind your grandmas back.

the start of the holidays, everyone – couldn’t be better !!!!

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Giants Keep Pace With Yet Another Close Win

Giants Keep Pace With Yet Another Close Win

The symmetry among every Giants win this season is spooky.  An offense that spends 90% of the game being flat comes alive for a few scoring drives, takes no more than a one score lead for the defense to hold in the final minutes of the game.  It doesn’t matter how often the offense is presented to an opportunity to put the game away with a fourth quarter score, makes more sense to constantly remind people “We spent a lot of money on the defense.”

It was once again the case Sunday, as Jay Cutler staked the Bears to an early 10 point lead.  Yeah, Jay Cutler.  Just about the time my brain began to melt that the Giants came out with 16 unanswered.

The big story Sunday was JPP. That bad, bad three-fingered man registered his first multi-sack game since 2014.  That was WAY back when his digit count stood at the normal 10.  Yesterday he put Cutler to his ass 2.5 times, which is great but also makes you wonder what could of been.  JPP is technically in the prime of his playing career, but is playing…literally…short-handed.  I figured he could have had an even better season if he weren’t swiping at quarterbacks with a nub for a hand.  I did some quick sabremtrics to find out how many sacks JPP could have cost himself:

4.0 sacks/10 = .4 Sacks per game x 16 games = a projected 6 1/2 sacks

6.5 fingers / 6.5 sacks = EXACTLY 1 sack per every one whole finger

The math is simple after that–if he were a little less patriotic, JPP could be on pace for a whole 10 sacks this season, and however many batted balls (although factoring in current swelling of the hand versus the club from last season is another brain buster)

*note: I got REAL lost at some point during the construction of this entirely imaginary formula*

The Giants strangled the life out of the Bears in the second half.  This game was business as usual for the Giants–they were supposed to win this game and they did.  They are supposed to win next week against the 0-11 Browns and they will (or I am just going to snap).  The real story is the remaining slate of games:  a litmus test at Pittsburgh the following week to preface a titanic matchup against the Cowboys at home on Sunday Night Football.  The Boys have a home-away split against the Lions and the Vikings, which at worst would bring a 9-3 team to town.  AT BEST, the Giants would come into that game 9-3 and the very worst they should be 8-4.  Losing to the Browns should forfeit all 7 of their previous wins so there would be no sense in talking about playoff implications for a team that’s 0-12.

Between sweeping, splitting and getting swept, my guess is the Cowboys split their games.  Minnesota is a tough place to play and barring all eleven members of the Vikings defense going AWOL, I like them at home.  The Giants game against Pittsburgh is a little more unpredictable.  The Steelers are the definition of a volatile team, they take the Chiefs behind the woodshed but get trounced by the Dolphins.  No result of the Giants-Steelers matchup would surprise me.  Big Ben throwing for 700 yards and running a punt back wouldn’t shock me in the least bit.  Eli running the triple-option offense for a 6-0 victory wouldn’t surprise me either.  That is just my  feelings on this game in a nutshell.

 

 

 

 

 

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