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Month: December 2016

show me the lull

show me the lull

Death has gotten a bad rap this year.

From entertainers to democracy to human decency in Syria – ends known mostly in passing over screens or brief rushes of feeling have served, sort of infinitely, as a mass of unsightly new, same days only just grayer than the previous.

A mind map of 2016 might well be a car stuck idling, mid turn in a crowded 4-way, mixing radio signals push notifications on where to go next.


Maybe it hasn’t been a bad rap for death so much as it is, more than ever, an information drown. The idea that someone couldn’t win the presidency, that the markets really are stable, that our nations face has been etched anew – not lurking in plain sight all along. In any event – 365 calendar days have passed in similar fashion to last years and, most probably, to the upcoming axis turn(s).

As I write this a former KGB commander and sitting demigod is being praised in less than 140 characters by our president elect. Last week, the north pole rose 50 degrees above its average temperature and my biggest sorrows about missing a snowstorm in my old home amount to a one – how many more? Rather than state the obvious, let us be brief – for your time is short.

Above all else that happened in America the western world this calendar year – one trait sticks out among the masses and blindingly so. Ignorance.

Look around – tea and crumpets subbed for toast and shitty coffee, the brits are just so old, white, and race bait-ing as we’ve always been. Italy’s constitution has been voted to a play-doh like remodel. Austria is the first country to a vote down a far right usurping against liberal, globalist values. They won’t be the last faced with the problem. Anyway – the points simple in that, yes, Donnie Toupee’s campaign and over riding tone have brought about and will continue to bring darker ides from America’s past back to the forefront of the zeitgeist. It sucks but, ya know – boo fucking who. Because the alternative is Iraq, Iran, anywhere in Africa, fucking Russia to boot – civil rights and infrastructure are not universal languages and the fact remains that majorities aside it’s not going to be as easy for Donald to get things done as rabid supporters would assume, we won’t be pulling out of the Paris agreement anytime soon, and Obamacare will exist in 2020 and 2024 – if only under the care of a much whiter foster parent.


Michelle Obama and BLM are things I’d obviously write about and consider more if I was a black dude – and I’m a firm believer after this year, especially, that playing a given hand doesn’t apply to social norms you’ll never understand via birthright. If Malcolm X couldn’t answer how non-bigoted white people are supposed to act, then let us leave Macklemore to Macklenot.

But if there’s something to consider from this year, manners in which it’s appropriate enough for a real average white dude to do so – hope lives. I think so, anyway, and this is one thing I’m hoping the outgoing first lady is very much wrong about. The point is that we have the internet – fucking everywhere, and Paul McCartney said so I don’t have to – rap, hip-hop, is the music of now. Where-in these things in music and acid tripping festival going shucking of adult responsibilities until 29 idolatries go, it serves to be true that the current shift dominance of mixtape and friend rap culture is a pretty clear corollary to crusty white dude ideals that have just so recently taken things back, or whatever.

Is it a facade? In some fashion – probably, but much like much of the nation found surprise at this election result – the likelihood that the Don will fuel instant satisfaction America to its fever pitch by bringing stop gap jobs back to the rust belt is only greater, and the less easily frightened among the masses, then, are forced to consider the peak of globalization, and what these policies will look like 20 and 30 years down the line. This is all shit, it’s brazenly clear, that HRC did not understand either.

Consider it a gilded age, essentially, if not a perverted fever dream of one. Where your drunk uncle and friends you feel distant from get to laugh about muslim registries and stabbing harmless Mexicans with king Arthurs’ lance thru holsters in the wall. It’s unsettling but – so far as things with humanity tend to go – wholly unsurprising. Just magnified, I won’t tell you to put something down – phone, remote, laptop – you’re aware of the benefits and adversaries.


Where are we? Still on two feet – and do your best to stay there, because things will likely get a fuck of a lot worse before a turn for the better. That said – this is still America, and in 2017 you’ll have the same voice you had this year before conspiracy and apathy swallowed you whole.

Or didn’t.

The message remains – things will come and go, don’t get lost inside the noise.



Old Guy Hates Thing: 2016 was a year

Old Guy Hates Thing: 2016 was a year

2017 is the next one.


2016 was a year. A year is a unit of time developed by our species in order to give us some small since of being in control. We are not and time isn’t real.

We also – most of us – put faith in the ability of us to govern ourselves. Furthermore, we have opinions and thoughts on the best way to do so. Humans tend to think that one or more ways of ruling over each other is better than one or more other ways of ruling over each other.

Here in the United States, for instance, a representative democracy has been presented and accepted as the best mode of governance. Some go as far as to say it’s the one Jesus prefers but that’s neither here nor there.

Last month, this system led to the election – to the office of USA President, in case you didn’t know – of someone who tweeted the following:

If you would care to note the time stamp of the tweet. The man above said this as the president-elect. We voted him into the highest office in our representative democracy.

I don’t know what else you want me to say.

But I will say that 2017 is the next year and it will begin in two days. Days are also a unit of time. In this instance, this unit of time measures how long it takes for the Earth to spin once – more or less – on its axis. Time, again, isn’t real, and none of your emotions or thoughts matter one bit in the overall life cycle of what we understand to be our universe.

This also happened recently:

I, too, encourage you to read the responses to a tweet by clothing store, Old Navy. I also then encourage you to contemplate, for just a minute or two, that the vile pussbags saying things like “miscegenation” are the same species  of animal as you and I; purportedly made of the same combination of elements that were formed in the heart of a dying star and then propelled across the universe during a supernova type event.

I envy you if you can continue on about your life as we slime into 2017 with even the smallest amount of optimism and energy. What it must take to completely shutoff most of your intelligence and all of your critical thinking capacity is mind boggling.

In the year 2016, there were even more pronounced examples of humankind’s wastefulness and uselessness and unfathomable shortsightedness. Chief among them was the stupid thing happening in Syria in which really idiotic super-morons destroyed a city called Aleppo with many children among the dead.

We destroy, or allow to be destroyed, the weakest and most helpless among us for power, money, and a bunch of stupid made up gods. But I’m glad you got a new job and had a kid and vomited everything all over your asinine social media accounts like anyone gives a flying fuck what you did today.

As I was saying, in 2016, the year after 2015, and the year before 2017, which is almost over, a lot of dumb things happened. 2017 seems primed to make it look like child’s play. But, again, re 2016, the following thing happened:

What hope could we possibly have when people are this stupid? They are legion. They will never go away. And they have been emboldened, vindicated.

In 2016, you really only have to go back a few months to wish evolution had stopped at apes. Or to wish that the dinosaurs were never wiped out. Or to wish every single one of the infinite planets in the universe were uninhabitable for forever.

Didn’t have the energy for fake news including Pizzagate.

My final 2016 offering:

2016 was a year. 2017 is the next one. No one cares about your year-end list.

Happy New Year everyone! May you always feel content with your faux hope and unjustifiable optimism. May you always succeed in crashing through your crushing cognitive dissonance. And may your white, middle-class existence never be more troubling than when you realize you need to run to the store for milk.

all jake wants for christmas is for doug marrone to chip his teeth on coal

all jake wants for christmas is for doug marrone to chip his teeth on coal

I’ve been a titans fan for sixteen years. Through the good er, basically two seasons, their inaugural after coming to tennessee from houston and the one yard game against the rams, and a 13-3 run on ’08 before choking in the divisional against baltimore. team has been so irrelevant for nearly two decades. Fast forward – Jeff Fisher’s been gone long enough for the stink to quell and coming into this year I wasn’t sure if a franchise QB in mariaota was a possibility but was damn near certain that the compiled O-line was good enough to win at least six games.  I was right, obviously, and sitting at 8-6 with a win/control scenario with two divisional games coming up – I felt like it was gonna be a preeeety merry christmas.

alas, no. The titans continue a long history of disappointment after beating the defending superbowl champs and AFC West leader in consecutive weeks where the opponents played, well, good football. Dropping a game to the fucking 2-12 Jaguars is so disgusting I’m not even surprised – and to top it off Mariaota fractured the fibula of his right calf in the waning moments before cassel somehow threw a touchdown to delanie walker before pick sixing himself into oblivion on the following possession.

The game, obviously, was an enigma. Blake Bortles has been incredibly bad all season and for the majority of his three year career (not always his fault). through 14 games this year bortles had averaged 1.5 td’s, 257 yards passing and a 48.9 qbr. yesterday? 325 passing, a passing and receiving touchdown, and a 103.5 qbr (a week after posting a 36.6 rating at houston).


Anyway – the point of this piece – i hate doug marrone, his entire family, and everything he stands for. this asshole from the bronx spent the better part of five years in mediocrity between syracuse and the bills before falling into the interim spot last week in jacksonville after gus bradley getting fired. the classic interim coach team boost when the players briefly feel like kids again after said ex-HC not working solution is thrown in the trash by billionaires more concerned with in game pool space than winning records. same thing happened with the titans last year after wisenhunt got fired (beat a much better saints team).


Anyway – marrone has shown through several stops in the past five years that he’s an uninspiring coach (despite the bills definitely being cursed) and taking this shitshow of a franchise to a third win this year does nothing but guarantee their first draft pick like 3 mil less in guaranteed – and very possibly nails the coffin into my already receding hairline never returning after this election season. fuck doug marrone. yesterday sucked but i hope he gets the head job because i need a coach to hate in this divison like i need the tits to pick up alshon jeffrey in free agency this year.


p.s. resident ringer jackasses misreported mariotas injry last night as a broken foot or something and basically skated over the fact that the fractured fibula is a standard two month recovery time and shouldn’t be a long term detriment to his development (randall cobb had the same injury in 2013 and is still a pro bowl caliber player) while straight waxing the the idea that the combination of the loss seriously eroding playoff hopes and the qb loss could set the titans back to another decade of irrelevancy. it might not be totally wrong in knee jerk feelings but things will likely continue to uptick – besides the fact that we hold 5 draftpicks in the first three rounds this year. so yeah – fuck that guy also along with doug marrone.


god i hate this team so much.

I Hate Philadelphia Blog Pt. II

I Hate Philadelphia Blog Pt. II

The final chapter in the 2016 edition of the rivalry that makes my blood boil.  This time our heroes in blue travel across the I-90 into the dump that is Philadelphia to do battle with a franchise in the midst of a tailspin.  I knew the Eagles were going to end up like this, it was only a matter of time.  They could only overachieve for so long before their talent and experience caught up with them.  I can remember Peter King on Pardon my Take in week 3 saying the Eagles were a Super Bowl team.  I laughed aloud to myself on the train platform while bystanders probably inched towards the nearest exit.  I would too if I saw some lunatic laughing maniacally at essentially nothing at 6:3o in the morning.

Fast forward to week 16 and the narrative has completely changed.  Philadelphia is 2-9 since starting 3-0.  Eagles fans keep glancing at their watch, waiting for this atrocity of a season to end.  Carson City, Wentzylvania is officially closed for playoffs in 2016.  The rookie has looked like a rookie.  The dude has some tremendous upside, but this isn’t about upside.  Jamarcus Russell could throw a ball into a different area code.  Gotta show me some finished product.  Wentz has taken a step back and out of the public grace like an A-list celebrity after an anti-semetic tirade.  The future might be bright but for the purpose of tonight, I would pray as an Eagles fan that Olivier Vernon doesn’t break Wentz’s back over his knee.

I’m excited for tonight.  What else would you expect me to say at this point.  The Eagles are in a tailspin, the Redskins are out of the playoffs, we’re fresh off a dominating performance and season sweep of the best team in football and OH YEAh the Giants can clinch the playoffs tonight for the first time since 2011.  I’ve got a bottle of champagne ready to go.  It will taste absolutely delightful when being chased with Philly tears.  Can’t wait for Doug Pederson to aggressively go for it on fourth-down or go for 2 points and it completely backfire in his face again tonight.  Really a sight to behold.  Benny Big Balls and Jack Del Rio laugh at Pederson’s feeble attempts to sack up.  Go back to holding Andy Reid’s lunch, NERD!


PS–Can’t wait for the Giants to be in the Super Bowl.  Give me the Patriots.  Give me the Steelers.  But PLEASE give me the Titans.  The site dynamic would be amazing.  @Jake

tripgate 3 : grayson allen is an unreasonable toddler, coach k still the goat

tripgate 3 : grayson allen is an unreasonable toddler, coach k still the goat

ran this last year after the two trips in a week scenario with no reprimand from the ACC

this year – allen as a third year player, small but bigger, absurdly athletic, and sure fire pick in the 20’s regardless of what year he comes out for the draft (6th man of a god dream) – he’s supposed to be emotionally leading a ridiculously stacked duke team already facing rotational changes due to star injuries. not to mention having the most effective college center since greg oden with knees. then last night happened.

a) hilarious

b) if you don’t see the humor in this you are a complete fucking dickhead – give me all the grayson allen i can handle

Now here’s the thing, Duke hate, in the sports world – is about the most justified thing there is. I could wax poetic for hours about the shit i took from my four year dumbass delusional worlds biggest notre dame fan college roommate about how “OH – I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE A DUKE FAN” – but that’s beside the point. Coach K – for all his nicety, is the only sports figure active on Belechick levels of diabolical. I’d even venture to say Belechick has modeled parts of his general media tone after the old rat dog looking fucker himself.

Anyway – to the point. College basketball has gotten pretty boring to the average fan – much in the same light that people without an NFL team always defer to college being better because “the games mean more to these kids”. What happens when the sport sucks? People need rocks to hold on to – and there may be no bigger rock to grip in a storm of one n done’s and average juniors than hating everything to do with Duke basketball tradition and their assimilation into the en masse changes demon calipari has effected right up the NCAA’s nose.

Where’s that leave us in the social media world where Bob Stoops really thought a video of his star running back knocking the fuck out of some girl would never see the light of day? With coach K, yet again, being the smartest, most hateable dude in the sport of basketball. Times once were he could recruit kids that just weren’t going to fuck around and could be corralled by team baby sitters without a thought in the world en route to the annual elite 8 appearance. Now? kids are superstars in high school, some learn how to act, some don’t – and much like the swift dismissal of rasheed suliamon a few years back (only scholarship player to ever be kicked off a coach k team) we have K swiftly handling the media post game – and an early suspension announcement the following morning.

That’s why people hate this program so much – and why they continue to win, because the kids who win for duke are all the same, well spoken, generally rule following, and executing to a T in the 7 man rotation. Trip a kid for the third time on national television for the third time, proceed to flail your arms like a toddler on mushrooms on the bench and cry while calling yourself selfish repeatedly in the postgame like you’re trying to get an ex girlfriend back? Say goodbye to your minutes and see you in the third round. It’ll be interesting to see where PG touches go – my bets on Kennard turning into a white Kyle Anderson type, would be dope.


PS. how mad was coach K? probably mad enough to show allen his true form :