what should happen in 2017

what should happen in 2017

Smell ya later, 2016.


The New Year is here and I have an unreasonable amount of optimism. Is it because House of Cards will return with a new season? Or is it because there will be some real life House of Cards drama going on at 1600 Penn? The answer is ‘yes’ to both. Regardless, if some minute, simple things occur in 2017, the year will undoubtedly be a success. Here they are.


More “Calling a spade a spade”


This comes with a condition. I am officially granting everyone the ability to keep it real as long as there is some moral justice behind it. What do I mean? Let’s call the Alt-Right what it is: racist xenophobes. Sure, some Alt-Righters might get their feelings hurt but who cares. They are angry nationalists who subscribe to social Darwinism and phrenology. There is a limit here, though. Fellas, pretend your ex-girlfriend posts a bikini picture with the caption ‘sandy cheeks.’ Does she really thing we care about the sand on her bum? No. She is reveling in her newfound social liberty and peacocking for all to see. Does this mean you can text her and call her a ‘thot?’ No.

Keep it real but, only on things that truly matter.


Less Uber complaints


If I had a dime for every time someone complained to me about their Uber driver, I would buy the business and give each driver a bonus. There are worse things in this world then having a conversation with a random person. You’re mad because you just want to get to the club and the Uber guy asked ‘Hey how’s your night?’ Stop. As some poor sucker has to spend his weekend nights transporting drunk kids from place to place, the least you can do is be a freaking human being. No one dreams of being an Uber driver when they grow up. Put a smile on, chug that last nip, then ask him or her where their accent is from.


More ‘Mic’ stuff


One time at McDonalds, I heard a man go up to one of the employees and ask what the password was for the ‘McWifi.” Absolutely hilarious. As if the wifi is served between two buns with mac sauce. If I want to get through 2017, I am going to need much, much more of this. My personal goal is to use these specific phrases in 2017:


‘Hey, where is your McBathroom?’

‘Let me get a large McFry with some McHoney mustard sauce.’

‘At what time do you guys McClose the drive-thru?’

‘Where is the closest ramp to the McHighway?’


A Nickname for Drake and Jenifer Lopez


Here’s what doesn’t work:



Jenny from the Block and Drizzy from the Dot


Saint Dropez


I am still taking applications. Send them in.


More Straighttothepointness


Ladies, pay close attention. I am done playing the social media games. I have done the ‘like wars’ on IG. We have all flirted via Snapchat and Twitter. But we are in 2017 now and I am a grown man. If I throw you a DM because you seem cute, embrace it. There are some good guys out there who can only access you through social media. Do not get creeped out. We are millennials. It is ok to flirt like them too.


You know who else needs to be straight to the point? Employers. Are you really taking applications or is the job lined up for someone’s nephew? If nepotism is your thing, that is perfectly fine. After all, it’s not what you know rather, it’s who you know. Just do me a solid and let me know beforehand before I get excited over an opportunity then you break my heart. Yes, I am looking at you, Teach For America.


Bartenders fit into this category as well. Cut to the chase and tell me that the new IPA on tap costs $9.00 a glass. If that’s the case then I will buy two, let you keep the change from a $20 and rethink my life on the ride home. At the end of the day, I am not at the bar to casually sip Knob Creek neat while reading Michel Foucault. Let me know how expensive everything is because I am irrationally frugal and am looking to save some cash. If I have to reread the bill while doing forensic accounting like Andy Dufresne, then you have let me down Mr. Bartender.


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