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Author: Bon Doe

Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

Well I’ll be, it’s Friday. Another glorious day for some random quotes. I hope you laugh as much as I did when I read them. And if you don’t, well at least one of us enjoyed this blog.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Quote 1:

“I don’t care if my kid’s gay, as long as he goes to the major league or the NFL.”

 

Context:

The details of this conversation are fuzzy but if I were to guess, I’d say me and several friends were playing the “What if?” game. You and your friends have probably played it. If you haven’t, It goes a little something like this (runaway love), you ask your friend “What if____?” the blank being a random scenario. I’d assume my friend was asked “What if your kid was gay?” My friend who did not have kids at the time and still doesn’t (as far as know) provided what started as a very accepting answer and ended with a statement that would leave a lot of millennials triggered.

 

Quote 2:

“I don’t get it, how to you devirginize a virgin?”

 

Context:

The lead up to this quote is unimportant. Focus on the actual quote. Go ahead, read it again. The only way this question could be asked legitimately, would be if the person didn’t know what a virgin was. I’m 99.99% sure the person who said this quote knew what a virgin was.  I think it was more of a case where the person heard a statement and reacted without actually thinking about what they were saying. If that wasn’t the case and they are still don’t know how to devirginize a virgin. Let me take a brief moment to explain…..

Well like I said, hope you laughed at the quotes. If not, there’s always next week…. you know unless you don’t come back. But let’s stay positive. Happy thoughts… your offspring will be pro athletes (possibly gay) and the fact you have kids means you were devirginized (you had sex).

 

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Chain reaction car crashes are a shitty way to start your morning

Chain reaction car crashes are a shitty way to start your morning

 

If there’s anything we can take away from this video… its be happy you’re not this guy.

 

rear-end

 

That’s Hawaii driving for you. Fast lane at an absolute standstill while the far right lanes just cruz along. Everything is backwards on the roads in Hawaii. But it’s hard to expect anything more when the majority of the driver’s come from the Eastern Hemisphere.

 

I’m not saying an asian driver caused the accident, but I definitely would not be shocked if that information came to light.

 

 

Just goes to show, even when you do everything right, there’s still somebody who can fuck it all up.

 

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Warning! If you break into someone’s car, you might get kicked in the chest

Warning! If you break into someone’s car, you might get kicked in the chest

I’m guessing the guy filming doesn’t subscribe to the whole innocent until proven guilty mantra.

Kick first, ask questions later type of a guy.

The situation broke down so fast I didn’t even know what happened. I was gunna open the blog with “What did the five fingers say to the face?” But after replaying and pausing over and over again I realized it was a foot kicking an assumedly homeless person in the chest.

kick-2

 

 

Which brings us to the real question, why was this man barefoot? Was this at a beach? Did he throw his shoes over a telephone line? Is he living a minimalist lifestyle? Whatever the reason, I’m just glad he had his iphone recording.

 

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Jackie Chan finally wins an (honorary) Oscar

Jackie Chan finally wins an (honorary) Oscar

(The Indepedent) — Martial artist and actor Jackie Chan has been awarded an Oscar, a prize he’s coveted since he saw one at Sylvester Stallone’s house 23 years ago.

The honorary statuette was presented to Chan by his Rush Hour co-star Chris Tucker and fellow actors Michelle Yeoh and Tom Hanks at the annual Governors Awards in LA on Saturday, a ceremony attended by Denzel Washington, Lupita Nyong’o, Nicole Kidman, Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams and more.

Chan has been a beloved figure in the industry for decades, but has never really fallen into an obvious Academy Award category.

After 56 years in the film industry, making more than 200 films, after so many bones, finally…” the actor said.

“I continue to make movies, jumping through windows, kicking and punching, breaking my bones.”

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences also recognised film editor Anne V. Coates’, casting director Lynn Stalmaster’s and documentarian Frederick Wiseman’s achievements with honorary awards at the ceremony.

Hanks said he was delighted to be able to acknowledge Chan’s work as martial arts and action comedy are two genres often overlooked during awards season

———

There’s two sides of the coin with this one.

On the one hand…. super stoked for Jackie Chan. Dude’s been in countless classics . From Jackie Chan’s First Strike to Rush Hour 3 you never leave unsatisfied. You go in expecting some dope as stunts and some broken english jokes and that’s what you get.  Any Jackie Chan movie is watchable on a Saturday afternoon without feeling like you wasted the day.  Plus Jackie Chan literally does all his own stunts (or he did… i dont know if that slogan applies anymore) In the 90’s and early 2000’s aka his prime… Jackie Chan’s bloopers during the credits were almost as good as the actual stunts. He would get hit in the head with a ladder or get kicked in the balls and just laugh it off. Just an all around stand up guy (based on his movies).

But even though I’m team Jackie through and through I can’t help but feel this honorary Oscar is somewhat tainted. Seems like one of those participation trophies. Like if you stay in the business long enough and don’t complain you’ll eventually get an Oscar. I mean Leonardo DiCaprio had to wait almost two decades before earned his and he had multiple roles that he could have easily won the award for years before. I mean if we’re being honest Jackie Chan isn’t sneaking onto the shortlist of actors in the running for Best Male Lead. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think he can win an Oscar. If he really wants that trophy with no asterisk,  he should just keep putting out comedy hits.

I think it would have been a better move, if the academy added another film category like Best Buddy Action/Comedy Movie. If that was the case, you can’t tell me Jackie wouldn’t have multiple Oscars in his trophy case. You stack up Rush Hour or Shanghai Knights with any current buddy comedy and they don’t even compare. Give me Chan and Tucker over Whalberg and Ferrel anyday of the week. (Thats a big statement from me considering Marky  Mark is my man crush)

 

So although I’m torn and don’t think Jackie necessarily earned this Oscar… I can’t be mad. After all the laughs he’s provided, I’ll gladly turn my head. Enjoy your moment Jackie.

 

P.S. What the hell multi vitamin does Jackie take? That man hasn’t aged a day.

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Real Quotes by Real People on a Friday

Real Quotes by Real People on a Friday

Crazy week huh? Trump is President, Hillary is officially the biggest loser since Steven Glansberg, and America needs a Xanax.

Well rest assured, despite this week’s absurdly historic events… one thing remains constant… Real Friday Quotes

 

Quote 1:

“You literally just ruined it every night”

Context:

No this isn’t about Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. This one is about me. My friend was reminiscing about our weekend nights in college. The “it” he is referring to is the “good time he was having.” Nights started out fun. A couple drinks, a couple laughs, more drinks more laughs etc etc. But unfortunately the nights wouldn’t end the way they started.

My friend would be forced to end his night early because I was being led out of the club by a security guard holding the back of my neck. I would like to think I had a good reason for getting into as many confrontations as I did but right now nothing comes to mind. As Jamie Foxx once said, “Blame it on the Alcohol”. Funny how you don’t realize how douchy you were until you’ve had a couple years to reflect. My apologies, but hey, at least you got a quote out of it.

 

Quote 2:

“I almost got pregnant to this song”

Context:

You’d think a woman said this… You’d be wrong… A male friend of mine said this. He was talking about how sensual the song ‘Versace on the Floor’ is. This song makes so much love to you musically it could literally get a man pregnant… that’s the point my friend was trying to make. Listen to the song and try to disagree, I dare you.

 

And that’s the quotes for the week. Following the election and its aftermath, I’m hoping these quotes have brought a little levity to your day. And if not, go out with your friend to the club and try not to get kicked out. And if you do get kicked out, end the night with Versace on the Floor.

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Chinese guy is growing an ear on his arm… yeah you read that right

Chinese guy is growing an ear on his arm… yeah you read that right

While America is tearing apart at the seams, the chinese are out growing body parts on other body parts.

C’mon America we have to get our shit together so we can start doing The Hills Have Eyes medical procedures too.

On top of the fact that this surgery/growing is really freaking weird… I gotta assume this new ear is just for looks. No way that thing actually hears things.

And if that is the case I have to ask, why the fuck would you grow an ear out of your arm?

Just get a prosthetic. People with no noses all of sudden look like they can smell again, I’m sure the prosthetic creator can handle making an ear.

Seems like a real fucked up way to fix a problem when there’s already a less painful/less invasive/less freakshow way to do it.

I guess for Mr. Ji, it’s not about the journey it’s about the destination.

#byanymeansnecessary

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Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

Real Quotes from Real People on a Friday

Did someone say Friday Quote Blog? Well, since you mentioned it, yes it is that time of week again. It’s time to get into some quotes said by real people on a Friday. The quotes weren’t actually said on a Friday, this blog was just written on a Friday (well Thursday night…but let’s not let the facts ruin a good story) Anyway… these quotes were actually said at some point in time.

 

Quote 1:

“Damn I’m trying to get at Melanie Iglesias”

 

Context:

My friend was clearly trying hit on Melanie Iglesias.*

*Me and a couple friends were talking about girls we’d love to hook up with. But these girls were ones we personally knew and had met in real life. One of my friends who was half paying attention to the conversation and perusing through Instagram. Right as one of my friends said who he was “trying to get after” my friend with the phone friend saw a picture of Melanie Iglesis… which prompted him to say “Damn I’m trying to get at Melanie Iglesias”

For those that are not satisfied with this quote… here’s a few pic of Melanie Iglesias…

Image result

 

Image result for melanie iglesias

Image result for melanie iglesias

Quote 2:

“We have no forks, what am I supposed to eat with? My dick?!”

Context:

This quote is somewhat of a spin off of one of last week’s quotes. If you were an avid RFQ (Real Friday Quotes) reader you’d know what I was referring to. But for those of you who are new to RFQ, or for those who may have forgotten, one of last weeks quotes had to do with the word “dick”. I explained how the word “dick” was used to describe the extent of a situation… such as “This test is stressful as dick” or “damn that movie was good as dick”.

So for this weeks quote, it’s a somewhat similar scenario. My friend wanted to eat something that required a fork. Apparently there were no forks to be found. To describe his frustration at the lack of forks he thought of one of the most ridiculous things he could eat with. I don’t believe my friend had any intention of eating his food with his penis. I merely think he said the word “dick” because it was the first word that popped in his brain It’s like a reflex for us when we can’t think of a word “dick” is the cure all because we already use it so much in other scenarios where it’s not relevant. What started as an inside joke turned in to a subtle case of “dick Tourettes”

 

Well everyone that’s it for this weeks edition of RFQ. I feel like we got a lot closer. Maybe that’s just me. Until next time… go hit up Melanie Iglesias and make sure you have a fork on hand if your gunna go out to eat

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