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Who Writes for The Open Field?? — Bob

Who Writes for The Open Field?? — Bob

(Editor’s Note — The guys here at The Open Field do a lot. They don’t always get a lot in return. Today I am going to publish some pieces from each guy and tell you a little about what makes them great. If you want to contribute, I wrote a quick thing today about how to get involved)

Bob has one post so far for the site. He writes for a living, and I certainly wouldn’t ask you to do the menial bullshit you do for work in your spare time so I understand. That doesn’t stop me from posting this, because it’s been too long since I saw my childhood friend. Tom, Bob, and myself once shared a very intimate night with a tuperware tray of bbq chips…. wait what?

Bob’s self-proclaimed bio —

Bob Durben appreciates a well-made risotto. He’s still trying to figure out what his end game is, but he thinks it may involve a Berenstein Bears porn reboot.

Since he has one post, I will link it here. Just know that although he is not contributing, he is quite the fucking dickhead in the group emails. Miss you Bob, talk soon.

Bob Breaks Down Valentine’s Day


Bob can be followed on Twitter @awkwardbob where he should be Twitter famous.

ROUNDTABLE: Picking the “Starting 5” for each Presidential Candidate

ROUNDTABLE: Picking the “Starting 5” for each Presidential Candidate

(Editor’s Note: Summary of this article: If each presidential candidate had to create a starting 5, to play a basketball game, choosing only from their endorsers, we simulate who they should pick.)


As any great political analyst knows, the most important thing about a political figure is who they have backing them. Endorsements are as important to the American politician as strippers are to Rick Pitino.

With the race for the White House drawing closer with each passing day, the endorsements for these candidates grows increasingly more important to the eventual outcome.

We, the political analysts here at The Open Field, know a lot about basketball. At least, we know more about basketball than we do about politics. So, for our simpleton minds, we compiled a starting 5 (plus a head coach) for each candidate remaining. This starting 5 has to be made up of endorsers of each candidate.

Team Donald Trump – Mikey

Team Ted Cruz – Bob

Team Hillary Clinton – Shaun

Team Bernie Sanders – Killian

Few ground rules before we start. No former NBA players can be included in the list. Dennis Rodman is disqualified, as is Jason Kidd. There will be a starting 5, plus a head coach, and two assistant coaches. Also, the game will not be decided by actual playing ability. We will decide the winner based on the squad that… well… I guess we will just know who the real winner is, America.

Without further ado…


Team Donald Trump

Aaron CarterThis becomes the easiest position on the court to pick when you look at the list of Donald Trump endorsers. I don’t know if many of you have forgotten, but Aaron Carter once beat Shaq in a game of one on one. Shaq is like, really good at basketball, right? Wrong. Aaron Carter is better. That is a fact, because he won that game they played one time. Look, this one isn’t even close.


Team Ted Cruz

CthuluThe unique benefits of being part octopus, part man, and part dragon lend themselves particularly well to the ballhandler role. The Great Old One, Sleeper of R’lyeh, Son of Yog-Sothoth is highly capable of using his multitude of tentacles to run the court, while holding opponents at bay by devouring their souls and condemning them to endless dimensions of sleepless Hell. As a bonus, mere mortals are gripped by paralyzing fear and a downward spiral into insanity simply by gazing upon the ancient cosmic entity, which would make it difficult for them to play a solid zone defense.


Team Hillary Clinton

Amal Clooney – I’m going intellectual with my point guard choice because I need a floor general to control this pack of misfits. Amal quite literally makes me ask “who?” when you tell me her husband’s name after rattling off her resume. Cool, bro – you gave a C-minus performance as Batman and you spoke out against the Iraq War. So did like 80% of the rest of the country. Amal runs the entire world. #1 in my “cool lawyer” power rankings, that’s for sure. As a matter of fact, scratch this – I may just make Hillary Clinton the point guard on Team Amal Clooney. Switch them around. Amal should be the one running for President. I’ll ignore the whole British/Lebanese thing, if you guys do. Hell, we got a Canadian running in the Republican Party anyways. So, I basically have a President running my presidential basketball team. And I’m going to put asses in the seats because George Clooney will be at all the games. Good luck keeping up, everyone else.


Team Bernie Sanders

The Based GodLil B curses all other candidate teams. Call KD and Harden for a reference…




Shooting Guard

Team Donald Trump

Gary BuseyEquipped with a hyper-intensity that can only be described as the opposite of James Harden at all times, Busey is going to be running the floor ALL DAY. While I can’t guarantee he will stay actually on the “court” the whole time, he won’t stop running probably until the arena closes down. This will tire out the opposition, as well as basically everyone there. If I have learned anything from the Trump campaign so far, tiring out everyone with lunacy, gibberish, and nonsense is what is making America great again. Gary Busey for shooting guard 2016! Make basketball great again!


Team Ted Cruz



Team Hillary Clinton

Abbi Jacobson/Ilana Glazer – first off, if you haven’t started watching Broad City, then I pity you, because it is the funniest show on television. Hillary was on the show last week, so she asked me to have them on the team. Also, they’re a package deal, so if anyone calls me out for cheating they can get lost. But more importantly, Hillary needs these two on her team because her campaign is incredibly boring and she needs to spice it up a bit. That’s where these two come in – the comedic equivalent of standing in the corner and just stroking three-pointers all game. Yeah, sure, maybe they play defense once in awhile but they’re here to just drain tre-bombs on everyone else. The only issue I’m sensing is that if we put Ilana with 2 Chainz, our power forward, we may never have a sober starting line up. Starting to smell like pot in our locker room… YAAAAS QUEEN.


Team Bernie Sanders

Bill Maher – Bill instills a certain type of over aggression that every team needs. He holds an arsenal of political information about every candidate. Something that every great player and comedian share is timing, he’ll make the big joke or make the big shot. His career has been paved by no-holds bar opinions and not giving a shit what the outside noise says (So what you’re telling me is he’s locked in). My only worry is that on Team Bernie he’ll be too high to play, become the good ‘ole fashion cynic well hold near and dear, and use 4 seats on the end of the bench to take a nap.




Small Forward


Team Donald Trump

Terrell OwensI saw him play in a few celebrity all-star games, so I know he can play. Plus he’s super tall and coordinated, which is usually a good thing in basketball. T.O, as he is known to sports fans, is flashy both on and off the field. That flair, coupled with his net worth (Editors Note: Holy Shit) makes him the perfect member of Team Trump. Nothing screams Donald Trump like false impressions of wealth and ironic showmanship. Terrell Owens has both by the truck load.


Team Ted Cruz

All Three of the Trailer Park BoysWhen it comes to athleticism, Cruz supporters are not a particularly talented bunch. So how can we possibly match up against an iconic NFL-caliber wide receiver? Simple. Bring in extra players. Reaching back to his Canadian roots, Cruz will employ the services of Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles to fill the small forward role. Here’s to hoping they bring enough weed to sedate T.O (a tall order) and finally get Bubbles the right prescription so he can drain threes like Mr. Lahey drains a bottle of Wild Turkey on a Tuesday morning. Cheeseburgers and Zesty Mordant Chips at halftime, of course.


Team Hillary Clinton

Ben Affleck – quickly, everyone else: please raise your hands if you have Batman on your team… My goodness, this is starting to get sad. Hillary is running away with this one. Affleck is real bulked up now, well, because he is Batman. So I got some muscle here at the 3. He can get in the paint and bang around, but he also has the jumper to play out on the wing. Plus, he is tough. Can’t question Affleck’s toughness (well, Google Gigli and maybe you can). He’s a superhero, a bank thief, a CIA agent – much like his head coach on Team Hillary, I am so impressed with the diverse resume here. I sense that we need to work on his 3-point shot. Doesn’t strike me as a gamer from way downtown. Also, keep him away from Ilana and Abbi – trying to curb his tendencies to chase around 20-something year olds. Matt Damon is on the bench as my backup small forward, but Ben’s length and size gives him the edge to crack the starting five.


Team Bernie Sanders

John C. Reilly – Low center of gravity, and hair only seen during the Phil Jackson days of playing. John wears white converses, white tube socks, knee pads, team colored shorts (Team Bernie calls tie-die as our official color, yes I said color), a team colored jersey with no undershirt, rec-specs and a headband. He is the quintessential last guy gets picked on the playground, but god damn will he work. The synonym of hustle is “Reilly”; offensive rebounding, taking a charge, setting the hard screen. The sweatiest guy on the court.



Power Forward


Team Donald Trump

Hulk HoganAs many of you know by now, Hulk Hogan had sex with his friend’s wife and GOT PAID $115 MILLION FOR IT (or something like that). That kind of hustle has not been seen since Aaron Craft took his rosy red cheeks out of the American spotlight. If Tommy Heinsohn awarded Tommy points for sexual deviance that would have broken the scale. Hulkamania’s powerful upper body strength, alongside his apparent inability to play basketball makes him an ideal rebounder for Team Trump. He will inevitably foul out, leaving his team to play a man down for the remaining 47 minutes of the 48 minute game, but letting his friends down due to his inability to resist his physical urges is something he has become known for. Rock on Hulk, keep grabbing ass and refusing to pass.


Team Ted Cruz

Ric FlairPower forward isn’t a size game. It’s a confidence one. You post up, get in your opponent’s head and you strut around there in your bedazzled fur-lined robe like you own the place. Drop some knife-edged chops when the stripes aren’t looking, “WOO!” in his ear a couple times, and tie up the Figure-Four Leg Lock the second he tries to drive the lane. Who needs wingspan when you’ve got 243 pounds of liver-spotted, golden-haired man waiting to slap you in the chest every time you grab a rebound? And the best part – winner goes him with a belt.


Team Hillary Clinton

2 Chainz – I’m cheating here (again), but I don’t care. Tauheed “2 Chainz/Tity Boi” Epps is one of the most charismatic, entertaining, and intelligent members of the hip hop community. He also happens to be a former Division I basketball player at Alabama State University. Standing at 6’5”, the product of College Park, Georgia will simply destroy this entire field and lead Team Hillary to victory. The tension is palpable from the other writers that compiled teams. I can feel how nervous they are to face this guy – you just can’t practice and scout him. He’s too good. If we can just keep the blunts away from him until we get to the locker room after the game, we’ll be all set. He scored 14 points against Alcorn State one time – guarantee not one of those squids on Team Trump can say the same thing.

General Manager’s Note – I wanted all rappers. I typically always want all rappers, in all walks of life. But I couldn’t do that to Hil-dawg. She’s got too much talent in her endorsement pool. But just so you know, I could have added Kanye West, Pharrell Williams, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, A$AP Rocky, Waka Flocka Flame, and freaking JA RULE to this roster and everyone else would have had to just quit and go home. Hillary has some street cred, apparently. Kudos to her.


Team Bernie Sanders

Will Ferrell – My front court has had a belly full of white dog shit, and they are having none of it anymore! The chemistry between Ferrell and Reilly will be like poetry in motion, Jordan and Pippen. Much like Reilly he has a low center of gravity. Will is a blue-chip prospect of an athlete, I don’t know of any person on the planet who played for 10 different MLB team in one day! Ferrell is a head case like Boogie Cousins though, it is a 100% guarantee he’ll get a technical.

Team Bernie would like to know who will be the celebrity referee? Team Bernie wishes to hire Father Pat from Semi-pro and not Marvin the Martian again, he’s too short with people. (It’s ok to laugh at a bad joke)





Team Donald Trump

John DalyAthletic prowess and general ability to take up space are the main reasons behind the choosing of PGA pro John Daly for the anchor spot in the Trump line-up. He is extremely large, and represents the closest thing the world of golf has to an anti-establishment figure. He chain smokes, hits the ball a fucking mile, and lives his life in a perpetual state of “shut up, I am totally good to drive” sobriety. Trump might actually want to make Daly his running mate, seeing as though I never noticed until now that they are the exact same person. Trump and Daly, what a world.


Team Ted Cruz

That One Uncle Of YoursYou have an uncle that supports Ted Cruz, you just don’t know it yet. In fact, you may never know. But he’s out there. Maybe he drinks a little too much at Christmas and makes a semi-racist remark. Or maybe you’re watching football at Thanksgiving and he casually mentions how there’s no evidence that evolution is real or man-made climate change is happening. Whoever it is, he supports Cruz, and he’s playing center. Why? Because he’s a neutralizer. When he lines up across from John Daly for tipoff, you better believe they’re gonna hit it off. They’ll be smoking cigars by the end of the first quarter and nine Old Milwaukees deep by halftime. Just like that, we’ve taken the opponent’s center out of the game and opened up more space for Cthulu, Ancient Being of Smite and Demigod of Crossovers, to exploit.


Team Hillary Clinton

Warren Buffett – this 85-year old bought his way into the starting five and he promised us that he would buy us new jerseys and shoes if we let him play. Couldn’t say no. With that said, you couldn’t say you knew this guy was 85. He doesn’t sound like it and he doesn’t act like it. He is also a big basketball guy (I think). But the key to having Buffett on my team, is that he’s going to be an excellent locker room guy. He is selfless – he’s currently backing Hillary while calling for higher taxes for the incredibly rich (Oh, look, they actually mentioned policy in this article). Can’t teach that kind of teamwork. One of those intangible qualities that coaches love in their locker room. Buffett – great find for Team Hillary. Probably why he’s worth over $6 quadrillion or something like that.


Team Bernie Sanders

Ben & Jerry – With all respect to Phish, B&J are the biggest thing coming out of Vermont since maple syrup (which they’ve captured in many of their ice cream flavors). An empire nestled in New England, something that is not a rarity around these parts. With the marketing prowess of Jackie Moon and brand recognition of B&J, our fan base would experience cirque du soleil type nights with free ice cream.


General Manager’s Note: Big Boi, T.I., Tyler the Creator, Nas, Bun B, Chris Brown, David Banner, Killer Mike, Scarface. Classic Clinton camp, counting their chickens before they hatch and underestimating Bernie. When the foundation of your platform is covered by a thick veil of smoke you’re bound to pick up a DEDICATED following.



Head Coach


Team Donald Trump

Mike DitkaI would have selected Bob Knight for this role, but I wanted to choose a really good coach who doesn’t NOT have a signature moustache. Mike Ditka is known primarily for endorsing upwards of 500 products , so maybe he has no idea he even endorsed Trump, but he will be coaching this team SO HELP ME GOD. His ability to make little to no sense when discussing athletics, coupled with his blind support of anything that pays him money, makes his leadership a vital part of what this team is about. No one is better equipped to handle the personalities of Team Trump than the guy who just doesn’t care as long as he is getting paid.


Team Ted Cruz

Texans For Fiscal ResponsibilityA star-studded team doesn’t come cheap, so we need to ensure contracts are being properly managed and our money is being spent in the most efficient way possible. That means cutting funding for all Planned Parenthood clinics and redistributing that wealth to meet our players’ wage structure. Mostly Cthulu. He’s on a solid incentive-based system.


Team Hillary Clinton

Robert Deniro – he’s played all of the roles. The psychotic taxi driver, the boxing champion, the brutally-difficult-to-deal-with father-in-law – you name it and he’s done it. But this is a whole new role. A chance to take this team of misfit all-stars and lead them to the promised land. He permanently entered athletic folklore in Raging Bull, but never with a whole squad like this. No one on the list of Hillary supporters seems to command the same presence on screen, except for God himself, Morgan Freeman. But Deniro edges him out just barely based on personal preference. He smokes pot with Zac Efron, so you know he’s cool. I’m sensing a pot-smoking pattern here… probably should have thought this through a little better when I put my roster together. Looks like Team Sanders also has a bunch of pot smokers too. God damn liberals…

But Deniro only gets hired if he promises me that he will cut some Hillary supporters from the team: Lena Dunham, Farrah Abraham, Perez Hilton, Jason Kidd, David Stern, and Kris Jenner. They’re listed as endorsers on Hillary’s Wikipedia, but I want them all cut. They’re bringing the team down. Adios. Also, on another tangent – how upset do politicians get when some moron endorses them? LIke Hillary sees that Farrah Abraham wants her to be President. What does she do or say? Uhh, thanks? How’s your kid doing? Got to be the most awkward feeling.


Team Bernie Sanders

Jeremy Piven – Basketball is not about X’s and O’s today, it’s all about managing personalities and having the room presence to convince EVERYONE that you’ve got the big swingin’ dick. Ari Gold, Jeremy Piven same deal. I really don’t know if there’s anything else to say about him? If I forgot something Lloyd will be able to fill you in. Feel the Bern.




RoundTable: Happy Gilmore 20th Anniversary Edition

RoundTable: Happy Gilmore 20th Anniversary Edition

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Happy Gilmore. So, we here at The Open Field felt it was a perfect opportunity to all contribute to our first ever Roundtable Blog, which will be a staple on this site in the coming months. Below, you will find a small piece from each author about what Happy Gilmore meant to them 20 years ago, and still means to them today. 



90% percent sure I’ve never seen the movie start to finish. Have I seen it all or at all? Doesn’t matter, dude’s been making the same flick forever. I guess there’s an argument to be had here about what Sandler’s “best” movie is, and given the popularity of Shooter Mcgavin’s Twitter account that’s probably pretty fair. That said, there’s just something about “Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?” that screams all time greatness, never wanted to fuck with that thought process.

My own dad was a doctor, he missed the playing 18 lecture in med school so to that point the hockey stick – teeing off bit is hilarious regardless of context. It legitimately reminds me of myself on the green with or without the beers and with an actual club. I could do without the Bruins affiliation, but he does the accent soo well…like I said: the guys got FORMULA. On second thought, keep the B’s jersey, I couldn’t love anything more than the best comedic Boston accent of all time coming from a Brooklyn-ite.

BOB – 

On Why I Am I Better Match For Bob Barker Than Happy Was Or Ever Will Be

On the 20th Anniversary of this beautiful and generation-defining movie, there is really only one thing that matters – revisiting the Barker-Gilmore fight. Why? Because it’s time to face the facts: Bob Barker brings out the worst in men. And I, for one, would love to end him.

Let me pick apart the inadequacies in Mr. Barker’s fighting style right now and show the world once and for all that I could kick the shit out of a 92 year old in hand-to-hand-combat like our dear friend Happy was so woefully unable to.

First thing any seasoned warrior will notice is Bob’s punching stance. Left hand hangs a bit low when he starts tossing uppercuts with his right. Tssk. Bob, Bob, Bob. You really think you can leave Western Barkerfaceyllvania open like that and I’m not gonna paint it with precisely-placed jabs like a young Drago? For such a charming and respected man, you sure are ignorant.

From there it does get a bit tougher. I respect that Bob knows how to work an opponent. Body-body-head. Hands come down, hit the head, hands come up, hit the body. Work it Bob. I can appreciate that. But I can also assure you that my diligent routine of four v-sit pull-ups per week has left me with an impenetrable torso like Anhur, the Egyptian god of war. You hit this body, you hit a steel wall reinforced with a thin layer of fat primarily for storing heat during the cold Boston winters.

Oh now you’re gonna keep your hands way out wide? This isn’t Karate Kid, Bob. You are not and will never be Ralph Macchio. There is no crane stance to save you. You leave that sternum wide open, you better believe I’m channeling my inner high school wrestler and delivering a blast double the likes of which your sorry Tales-From-The-Crypt-Lookin’-Ass has never seen. I will sweep your leg, I will win this match with no honor, and I will take both Elisabeth Shue and Vanna White as my lawfully wedded wives, monogamy be damned.

Oh I’m sorry, you think I care you hosted WWE Raw in 2009? Let me counter that hypothetical question with another. You think I wouldn’t clean house on WWE Raw using a debilitating combination of Sicilian wits and egregious application of vaseline to my underwhelming body? Think again, Bob.

And, unlike Happy, I won’t make the same mistake as every movie protagonist ever (see Oberyn Martell and his squished head). I will never, and I mean never, stand over your motionless body and gloat. Happy may have delivered one of the iconic shit-talks of all time, but hubris kills. Instead, I will take two steps back and deliver six to seven decisive chops to your carotid artery. And because I always learn from others mistakes, I will light your pale, yet surprisingly lithe body on fire to ensure no post-mortem tomfoolery will occur.

It would be a pleasure to meet you on the field of battle, Bob. But know that, should our fates ever cross, I will end you.


Happy Gilmore has an endless amount of quotable lines, and it is one of the greatest sports-comedy films (maybe even sports films) ever.  It provides a hilarious blue collar slant to one of the stuffiest atmospheres in the world: a golf club.  All jokes aside, Shooter McGavin may be one of the best movie villains of all-time, and other than Caddyshack, I do not think any golf movie gets recited on the course more often by regular guys like you and I.  And of course the film also starred Julie Bowen, and she is just splendid!

While I could still tell you the first time I ever saw the film because it is that important to my low brow choice of film-watching (rainy vacation on Cape Cod, circa 2001), let us take a step back and look at it in the big picture of Adam Sandler’s seemingly endless career on film.  This dude sold his soul to the devil, because no one with his resume should have two decades of films.  But here we are.

In 1996, Sandler already had a name for himself thanks to Saturday Night Live and his solo comedy albums, but his career on the big screen was not much to stop and look at.  Looking back now, Billy Madison sits on the Mount Rushmore of Sandler movies alongside Happy Gilmore, but in 1995 it crashed pretty bad and was not well-received, even by Sandler standards (which are staggeringly low).

But following Happy Gilmore’s success in the box office, in which it debuted at #2 in its opening weekend, the film marked the blast-off point in Sandler’s film career and he has not looked back, amassing over $2 BILLION in box office sales since.  After Gilmore, Sandler rattled off The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, and Little Nicky all within the next few years – and all of which he wrote himself, along with Happy GilmoreLittle Nicky was also the first film Sandler starred in under his own production company, Happy Madison Productions.  The name of the company came from… well you guys are smart so I will leave that to you.

Say what you will about the guy – he barely seems like he is even trying on screen sometimes.  But he has been successful and he has found his niche.  I like the guy.  I’ll admit it.  It is hard not to.  And Happy Gilmore was the first glimpse I caught of him as a 10-year old kid who was just glad his parents were not paying attention enough to catch him watching this movie at the time.

The PGA even spent an entire day last week paying homage to the film’s 20th anniversary.  It has cemented itself as one of the hallmarks of comedy when it comes to the game of golf, and given the age of the new golfers on Tour when the film came out, its legacy is only going to grow.

And from now until I am too crippled to swing a golf club, whenever I miss a putt, or two, or sometimes three on the same hole, it is almost a guarantee that I am going to ask the golf ball if it was too good to go in its home.  Kind of crazy to imagine that we are devoting this much attention to such a crazy film but it was a staple of our childhood.  Happy 20th Birthday, Happy.



Ben Stiler changed my perception of old people homes forever


There’s enough humor above to take this a slightly different route, so I want to dedicate this space to shout out an unsung hero. The man responsible for making the movie everything it was 20 years ago, who did so by showing a lack of institutional control on par with Roger Goodell, but in alllllll the right ways. Fictional PGA Tour Director – “Doug”


Doug, your inability to control any of the PGA Regulations that I KNOW were in place 20 years ago is why you are the MVP of this entire movie. Happy was literally fighting Bob Barker on national television and you suspended him like, a week. Shooter “Shooter” McGavin actually employed someone to follow Happy around and yell profanities during his back-swing. You’re either a moron or a god damn visionary allowing that to happen. In fact, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you allowed it by choice, in which case kudos to you brother. Without you, Shooter and Happy both become polarizing figures without a counterpart. Keeping them together, opposing each other so directly throughout the entire tour, in order to boost revenue and let integrity fall to the wayside, as most good leaders do. You set up the “Magic v Larry” the PGA needed during a very difficult period for viewership. You are probably the reason golf still exists today. Hats off to you Doug, for allowing the type of tomfoolery the PGA so desperately needed.

Oh, and also, a very serious tip of the cap to Happy Gilmore, Chubbs, Doug, Shooter, Bob, Julie Bowen and everyone involved in the movie that cemented itself as a transcendent masterpiece in the minds of everyone who has had the pleasure of enjoying it. We, here at The Open Field, salute your 20 years, and hope for another 100 to follow. Now, KICK HIM OFF THE TOUR DOUG!



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Bob Breaks Down Valentine’s Day

Bob Breaks Down Valentine’s Day

Ahh February, the season of love. (People call it that, right? No? Ok.) Ahh February, the… second month of the year. The arrival of Mid-February can only mean one thing: the imminent approach of a day girls love, guys dread, and the single and cynical will relentlessly use as a means to make kind-of-joking propositions about how they’ll be spending quality time with their two favorite fellas, “Ben and Jerry” while quietly crying inside and praying their crush will show up on their doorstep with a box of Ferrero Rocher and a dinner reservation… Yeah. Anyways. Valentine’s Day.

First things first, I do not have a problem with Valentine’s Day. There are several reasons for this. One, I love food, particularly at nice restaurants. Two, I appreciate a good box of chocolate, particularly when they’re heart-shaped because hearts are basically fucked-about triangles and triangles have great structural integrity, which is a trait any half-decent man should admire in a dessert. Three, everybody is so busy bitching about being single that they all forget I’m single, which removes an enormous personal burden from my shoulders.


With that being said, it does have its flaws. I enjoy food and nice restaurants, but I’d enjoy it a hell of a lot more if the girl paid for everything and also sat at a different table from me so I could appreciate my meal in complete silence. Chocolate has no downfalls, but all it takes is a casual “I’ll just try one” from your date before the whole deal (cardboard box and everything) suddenly disappears. Three, my parents always manage to cut through the rabble and make backhanded comments about the fact that I am single, even though EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD IS TOO APPARENTLY. But I digress. That aside, all these reasons pale in comparison to the real problem I have with Cupid and what he’s doing to the citizens of our country. You see, there’s something much more significant, much more awesome, and infinitely more badass that gets overshadowed by Valentine’s Day.

Presidents Day.

Falling on the third Monday of every February, Presidents Day continually gets stuck with Cupid’s sloppy seconds. How does a sadistic floating angel-baby who shoots innocent men and women in the back with a medieval weapon steal the spotlight from the father of our country, a man who had wooden teeth and the libido of a bull shark in mating season? It’s beyond me. I mean, this guy makes Chuck Norris look feminine. His activities include famously chopping down a cherry tree when he was a kid, crossing the subzero Delaware River in the dead of night in a rickety rowboat, and basically founding our entire beloved country. I myself haven’t even gotten my axe privileges back at home after an ill-fated incident with a cherished family canoe and a tree that really had no business falling in that direction anyways, which by the way Dad, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about because I’m a 23 year old man, damnit, and if I want to go chop down a tree when I’m bored I should be allowed to. And if you’ve never tried standing in a moving rowboat, come talk to me when you recover from your concussion and skull injuries.

Not convinced Mr. Washington and his holiday deserve more respect? Think about this: most people get a nice headstone when they kick the bucket. The particularly self-centered might get a sweet marble statue or orb, but that’s gonna cut a hefty chunk out of their kid’s inheritance. With that in mind, take a minute to think when the last time you passed a cemetery and saw a 500-foot tall stone obelisk presiding over someone’s grave was. Probably never, right? Of course I’m right. Because there is only one 500-foot tall stone obelisk in the world, and it’s in Washington, D.C., and it was built for, you guessed it, Mr. Jerry “Big Daddy America” Washington. It’s the tallest stone structure in the world and we built it with 40 years of good old-fashioned American manual labor, not with the help of some alien technology (looking at you, ancient Egypt. Those pyramids are bullsh*t and we know it.) Not enough? Then just open up your wallet. Take out the single dollar you have and look at it very carefully. That’s not Cupid staring at you, that’s Washington himself, powdered wig and all. And if it is Cupid for some reason, it’s probably one of those fake strip club dollars that can only be redeemed for cheap beer or a sweaty lap dance. Maybe you should spend less time paying for dances and more time honoring the father of our country.

Valentine’s Day is a great time to show your significant other that you care. Or that you don’t. You’re probably getting invited up for post-dinner tea regardless. But just remember, while you were complimenting your date on their fantastic use of zit concealer, George was casually laying down the building blocks of a country that would one day give you the freedom and opportunity to enjoy your romantic night out at Chipotle. And for that, George, we thank you.