Chance the Rapper dropped his mixtape, Chance 3 — Coloring Book, last night. We all, as the big Chance fans we are, took a quick listen and wrote our immediate reactions. Enjoy
Chance has such a knack to Frankenstein multiple types of emotion and ways of life together to make a song. When I listen to “Summer Friends” I feel nostalgic, relaxed, and ashamed. Summer in Chicago, especially the south side is not like a normal summer and Chance conveyed that through this song. Back home on the Cape (and I assume any beach related area), that song will be an anthem.
“Summer People, Some are not”
That is a mantra back home to separate who the real people are, and who are just there for a moment and then gone forever. Yea we all have “Summer Friends” but Chance’s friends, like many people’s friends in Chicago die in the summer. We turn a blind eye too it though, I went through my childhood thinking everything was rainbows and cupcakes on the beach while kids my age in Chicago have to be inside before nightfall (enter my shame).
Chance is an extremely poignant and deep thinking artist. His words have substance, and the story of his life/career is inspirational. His second verse in “Blessings” is the epitome of how he made it, and how he is going to stay for good.
“Ain’t no blood on my money, Ain’t no Twitter in Heaven”
I thought the mixtape was great! The prodigal of Kanye, so we know he can whip up a beat and present us with an arrangement that will make the hair on your neck stand up. Combined with his creativity, lyrical prowess, faith in himself and God…Chance knocked it out the park.
The Grammy’s announced that you no longer have to sell music to be in consideration to win an award; I’m interested to see what’ll happen.
The anti – label of hip hop is at its apex, no doubt confirmed by less human than ever Kanye West’s MSG fashion show/Young Thug appreciation night/album release for TLOP. The point of hip hop, for me as a white dude – is mostly that this music isn’t made for me, more than a couple folks would say I don’t deserve it because of the color of my skin. That’s correctly justifiable – however, it’s still applicable in the way touches really come in hearing word flows of experiences that aren’t relatable to normal people, non rappers, non celebrities, non rock stars.
So, in an era flush with grass fed beef fanbases – this third tape from Mr. Bennett was as well promoted as one can be through viral-ness of anti record label nut holstering – as evidenced on No Problem with the line about dreads in label lobbies. These movements mirror each other – and sonorously I’m not over wowed with the production in the way I was at the high points of 2013’s Acid Rap – responsible for the overnight fame he touches on in the last Macklemore release.
I fear it didn’t need to be as much – and although I’m not heading to the hills to scream about the feeling of being inside an abstract painting like I was after the first seven hundred Yeezus listens – this project is really, really fucking good.
Hearing about shit you’re likely never going to do gets repetitive – this is an identifiable problem for listeners in my demographic who’ve neither had to worry about food on the table nor considered the music as anything more than entertainment. This is why the story telling of today’s age needs come into such serious play. To see yourself in the room – even momentarily, is more than a day dream. It becomes realistic – and it’s how people become great. Acid Rap didn’t do that for the majority of Chance’s fanbase – it’s something I’ll stake to steadfastly because the project is something I can relate to (in bits and pieces) on a very personal level. What Coloring Book does do is tell a new chapter, in a new set of clothes, with a new set of characters. This is what happens when people learn how to think for themselves.
Time moves – people change. Chance is world famous now, he’s got several million Twitter followers, an infant daughter and a diversified business line. He did what I thought he’d do with this project in the sense that he’s still vulnerable in the same places ie. deeper elaboration on Xanax mentions from the projects hit single, Angels. You can see where he’s moving toward sold out stadiums and even higher reaches of social status with the Bieber feature on Juke Jam. I can’t believe fucking Young Thug is on this – I’m not sure about Mixtape just yet – it’s gratuitous, but largely true. Summer Friends is a highlight – and underscores points of basic people shit among the fame he sings about, thus making it sexy and listenable, and Future on Smoke Break does loads of good for the project in the way that half hour naps rejuvenate but that extra ten minutes will fucking wreck you. The line about being Kanye’s best prodigy on the final track, the second Blessings – is the point to where this whole vibe is going.
Drake gave us gold spattered ghosts of strippers dancing around the cabana – Chance gave us his family, is reinventing Chicago under Kanye’s eye – and is really, seriously making me consider catholicism.
I got my first two listens of Coloring Book in while I was taking the subway from South Boston to Quincy, and then driving from Quincy to Hull, at 8:00 am on a Friday morning. While hungover. Needless to say – I was very attentive to the mixtape.
Chance’s third mixtape release is one that seems very well received everywhere except for Reddit, but Reddit hates everything, which is also why I love Reddit. But I really don’t see too much to hate on in this case. Chance has very humanizing, sometimes relatable subject matters throughout his lyrics. The production sounds like a Kanye West spin-off, which is always nice, and the features are solid (Jay Electronica, what the hell dude. Release something). Maybe too much use of a choir, and Chance doesn’t sound too great with autotune – there are my criticisms.
Expectations may be artificially high, but a good… “chance”… we see the rise of a new megastar with #Chance3 this weekend. Exciting time
But without rambling on for 1,000 words like I would do for Aubrey Graham, I’ll keep it short and sweet by saying that I hope Coloring Book catapults Chance because quite frankly, he is perfectly fit to be a superstar. His persona just fits the role well. The kid (I can call him that because I’m older than him) has a unique way of just making you feel genuinely happy – like smiling to yourself alone happy – and his music is unique in this day of hip hop. He is one of rap’s “good guys.” He has the backing and the co-signs that it takes to rise up in the game, and he also has resources – his dad worked for Obama, did you know that?
This will be the turning point in Chance’s career. Acid Rap gave us a young star, and Coloring Book is already giving us the perform-on-a-late-night-show star. That’s a new level. You can form your own opinion on this mixtape – I’m not going to tell you to like it or not. But hip hop heads have been on Chance for a few years now. It’s time for America to catch up. The music industry is better with him in it.
If Rob Gronkowski were a horse, he’d be a unicorn and would have already won the triple-crown. Gronk was just named to be the cover of Madden 17, and he rightfully deserves it. He has also made the cover of GQ magazine for the summer, deserved as well.
While sifting through the shit 31 other NFL teams and fans throw at the Patriots, there stands one beacon of hope…Rob. Gronk has done almost the impossible and transcended Patriot hate. He is a goofy meathead who enjoys life to the fullest and it’s near impossible to hate him. The guy is a savage, him and JJ Watt are arguably the two most valuable players in the league (don’t start a fucking debate about MVPs and Best Players, I’ll hate you for it). He will go down as probably the best tight end to play the game.
“But he had Tom Brady throwing to him, and he was implemented in a Top 3 system right from the start of his career. Don’t you think that’s helped him out way more than if he with a different franchise?”
Yes. I also think its football. Marvin Harrison wasn’t catching passes from nobody, shut up.
What really makes him shine is the fact that he plays in New England, where all rookies are forced to drink the kool-aid (Hernandez dumped his out when nobody was looking) and he still gets away with throwing party cruise, hooking up porn stars, and basic day-to-day lunacy. The only thing he takes seriously is his football, which is why Belichick loves him so much. He does his job.
When Gronk was younger he had a poor game after a night of drinking at one of his brother’s schools. From there on out he hasn’t drank mid-season.
He also only spends his endorsement money, albeit he spends it on a party bus, but that’s how he chooses to spend it.
The dudes a party rocker
He idolizes Thad Castle (unconfirmed)
He is the modern day Thad Castle. Gronk should have won it last year, but because of the OBJ catch last year you had hand the cover to him. You may have had to hold the cover a little longer while he finishes busting out those sick dance moves.
Nevertheless, this was a well deserved accolade for a guy who goes about his business the right way. He may be a personality that doesn’t mesh well with you, but in a broken league where discipline is handed down with bias, and in head scratching form; Gronk steers clear of the New York offices.
Good for Gronk, Good for the NFL, Good for EA Sports.
WOW! (pun intended) — well, well, ladies and beers – THE DAY IS HERE. What a year it’s been, Killian finished high school after 27 years, Mike had a baby, and I learned how to read just in time for the Trump campaign. I’m really happy that I’m writing this from Boston’s head on my apartment roof on an 80 degree day, 80 degrees, folks. Winter might be coming to Westeros, but it certainly didn’t come to America this year. Thanks a lot, Al.
Any whoo, we’re going topics on personal opinion from where they’re at to where we see them going.
Valar more wine.
JON AIN’T DEAD
Jake: First red band trailer back in March was fucking LIT, needless to say – any and everything Thrones related (from HBO) since has been much in the same. Consistent action packing, basically, would be a criminally severe understatement. Relative to he who knows nothing, the red lady is my easy winner. Painful as it was to see on screen, I finally gained a certain gratitude at reaching ground level with show only watchers of GOT, able to speak entirely free of spoiler fear. Here’s where I’m at: never forget that George R.R. Martin is a weird old dude who writes about a fantasy world where twelve year olds get married to midgets against the will of both parties – suffice it to say under these circumstances that the goodness, depth of Jon’s character is likely the most redeeming quality Martin grants himself from a storytelling perspective. Yes, the show and book are different, but one does not exist without the other, and so…
The web is complex – and nothing is certain. What is? Jon’s resurgence. Story makes no sense other wise. I’ll stand eye to eye with Martin and his New Mexico shack and floppy weiner’s any day of the week and say it loud – kid ain’t dead. You saw Melisandre’s hand on his forehead, you see her say she was all wrong about Stannis. The theory is confirmed – we can only wait. Related but not – that’s a bit of a fiasco to be left at the wall, so, what the fuuuuuuck is gonna happen there?
Mikey: I also think it’s safe to say JON IS BACK BITCHES. The next step at the wall will be determined basically by the Jon narrative and its time frame. Will Jon lay slain long enough for a power struggle to take place? I believe so. Which, therefore, makes his eventual return even more interesting seeing which faction and role he becomes a part of. I think the most interesting piece in the aftermath of his death to watch will be just how tightly the door is shut behind him, and if he is able to resume any of his life post-return.
Killian: All signs point to Jon’s return, which means he won’t. But we’ve come to expect this type of ambiguity, so he’s definitely returning. What will an unbound Jon Snow have to give to Westeros? The wildlings have seen it all so from what we all can assume, so a guy returning from the dead is just another day. Melisandre knew Jon is the truth the moment she arrived to Castle Black, signs point to some good ‘ole blood magic. The state of the Wall will be a definite toss-up, it looks like Davos is going to fight his way out of there. If Davos has LongClaw for the time being (watch end of trailer), then at least we know valyrian steel is in the right hands.Lord Snow has what it takes to lead the free folks, and the star power to lay waste to those who hold the North. If he wakes up…
Jake: So the Greyjoys along with the rest of steely eyed iron islanders worship what’s called the drowned god. This is an obscurity in the north because they’re the only kingdom in that region that doesn’t take stock in the old gods – a big point of conflict when Theon first returned home in Season 1 after being hostage/squire at the Stark household for his youth. The drowned god is said to have plucked fire from the sea, yadda, yadda – and is worshiped in physical nature of the iron islanders by undergoing its namesake or, being drowned in some fashion. What I want to know is this – does Theon have the pluck after Ramsay’s torture to lead the Iron Islands against a hilariously corrupt south, moreover, would saner members of his family see the value in his succeeding his soon to be late father Balon? I don’t think he does – and this is namely why it’s tight as fuuuuuuck that we get some Asha or Yara or whatever shots looking dressed for battle in the previews HBO has released – we also get a shot of lunatic shot Euron/Crow’s Eye on a bridge in the rain (killing Balon) and getting dunked (drowned) in a ritualistic fashion…KINGSMOOT BABY.
Mikey: Picture this: Theon leads the Iron Islands against the south, returning the Greyjoy’s to pride and glory. He takes the place of Balon, and all is right. Now, picture none of that happeneing, as Theon gets in the position to restore his sanity and purpose only to murmur REEEEEEK repeatedly as he smashes the legacy of the Greyjoys one by one like Orson smashed those fucking beetles. But, you never know, dickless heroes may eventually emerge from all corners of the RR Martin Express.
Killian: The Greyjoys are like those distant family relatives you don’t tell your friends about. Own rituals, brother fingers sister on a horse…just some “place you on a watch list” type of behavior. If Theon returned that means he had to have done well enough to convince them all he’s Theon.The Kingsmoot will happen, I wonder if all the family will return or they’ll combine characters into one for HBO sake. Who’d Theon pawn Sansa too?
JORAH’S SUUUUUUUUCH A NICE GUY
Jake: King of the friendzone Mormot caught a tough one with Dany flying off on Drogon post attempted assassination at the pit in Mereen. We see old Jorah, as ever, riding forward on the steed with a good man at this side. His kneel and turning over the ring in the grassy knoll where the Dorthraki overtook Dany held shades of Dawsons creek and calls to mind several questions. Not the first of which is how Tyrion will handle him now that he’s head of the ship in Mereen, who will Daario take to, and how quickly will the fighting pits be reopened? All of these matter because, as Tyrion’s voice heads us up in the preview…he’s very much “in the great big game” which Jorah, I doubt, has any interest in. Much like Brienne, he lives to serve the one he loves, cruel twists of fate (he’s not a great guy, she’s pretty morally sound) she’s alive…and not down to hang in the sheets. Dany’s off to Vaes Dothrak – it’s plain to see where that’s going…what the fuck is Jorah gonna do?
Mikey: Listen, man, Jorah isn’t that hard of a guy to figure out. For what I lack in reading comprehension and sheer man hours dedicated to Wiki of Ice and Fire, I make up for in my knowledge of irrational male behavior regarding females. George “Georgie” Martin wrote this character in to be simple, predictable, and dependable. He did not create a complex character in fucking JORAH. This guy’s in love. Like, 13 old boy got his first handie love. Except he never got anything, AND she’s screwing the captain of the football team. Whatever, all I am trying to say is whatever he does won’t be a mystery. If you take circa 5 minutes and really sit down before each episode and say, “If I were Jorah and literally nothing else mattered but Khaleesi, what would he do next?”. There is your answer, now go get your girl Jorah. You beautiful old man, you.
Killian: Jorah the explorer off again, love the little Lord of the Rings moment when Jorah picked up Dany’s ring (Viggo Mortensen did it better). I have no idea what will eat him up, his love or grey-scale. Traveling with with Tyrion is one thing, especially since he was Jorah’s prisoner. But traveling with a silver-tongued smart ass like Daario? Especially since Jorah knows what he did with that tongue (He’s not an idiot). Dany entering Vaes Dothrak was pretty sweet, I’m sure Drogon will make another timely appearance because we all know how expensive CGI is.
SO…HOW ABOUT THAT RIDE IN?
Killian: How long is a boat ride from the Water Gardens to King’s Landing? Cause Myrcella was dead for like 98% of that trip. We’ve heard a vindictive Jaime from time to time, but sounds like he actually meant it when speaking to Cersei. Maybe it was just something to get back in her good graces, but she looks dead inside so whatever. We pretty much know that Cersei is on the warpath, she’s got champion so it looks like we have a trial by combat coming soon. Remember what Qyburn said, “the profits may change” (creepy little foot fetish guy). Bronn has cheated death for Lannisters before, he had a breaking point with Tyrion. Where where it be with Jaime.
Mikey: If the boat Myrcella and Jaime were on was traveling at the same pace the boat Jon was on sailing away from Hardhome, this ride will probably continue well into season 7:
Jake: Big news, the show got renewed – incase anyone was concerned. Myrcella is dead, this is simultaneously irrlevant and fucking ridiculous. I think it’s a safe vantage to have that season 5 was tops for fuck-ed-ness in terms of, general human rights violations on characters. Does it get worse than the dialogue before Myrcella drank the poison?
Jamie speaking to his daughter (Myrcella) who’s supposed to be his niece but isn’t because he fucks his sociopathic sister and everyone knows but no one does anything because GRRM likes writing about incest and death.
Jamie : “Hey Myrcella – big secret here but um I always ignored you because I didn’t want people to know I was your real dad.”
Myrcella : “Why uncle Jamie?”
J : “Because your mom is my sister.”
M : “Oh, right. That’s illegal. Well if it makes you feel any better I always knew and tbh I’m happy about it because I’m an incestual child to a murderous lunatic half queen, so this is like, right up my alley…but I’m your daughter so you already knew that, didn’t you?”
J : “Totes – love you too, really glad we could resolve this on good terms given you’re about to be taken captive by our families biggest enemies a world away from my sisterlover aka your mom. Say, is that wine?”
M : *BOOM I’M DEAD*
Arya and That Creepy Place with Weird Music
Mikey: So, aside from every girl saying, “I think i’m closest to Arya in real life” every two seconds, the female-Stark-who-you’d-sleep-with-last is having a bit of an issue where we left her last. Blinded by the Many Faced God, last seen void of pupils, Arya is going to be interesting to watch this season. Her character, for all the relatability, is someone who genuinely is a wildcard in every sense of the word. She has the capability of taking out MAJOR characters this season regardless of her identity. Think back to jaqen h’ghar and his ability as a killer, because this is the path Arya is following. This type of supernatural predator being built around the mind of a girl who watched her life get ripped apart by the injustice of force is the recipe for a loose cannon. She is a humanized Chekov’s gun, she WILL kill someone important, checking names off her list one by one…
Jake: Sleep with last, Mike? Do you mean to tell me this isn’t doing it for you?
On a maybe-not-at-all serious note – Arya’s not the best storyline, but her locale is one of the most interesting on several fronts having to do with her sister, creepy pete Baelish, and the ever fluctuating Lannister fallout (more later). To the point – I’ve been convinced since hot pie was baking animal cakes that jaqen h’ghar had a greater purpose to serve, but I don’t know anymore – the many faced may just be that, a single souled manifestation taking over wrought human forms with no perceptible goals save that of its own views on who deserves to die. I say this because of the story scope and the well documented knowledge Benioff and Weiss have had since the shows outset – scenes in show become chapters of text, and she left that stupid little sword on under the rock for a reason. I think this chance will be her last, because she’s got people to kill AS SOMEONE….
BAELISH IS COLLEGE AGED TED CRUZ WITH AN IQ AND LESS VIDEO CAMERAS
Jake: You saw the video, if you didn’t :
What’s Baelish doing? Oh, plotting the rise of Bravoos. Bravoos, where Arya’s currently staying. Bravoos, where the Iron Bank is. Why does that matter? What’s it mean for Pete?
Visual context in series has come twice – once inside in season 4 :
And once briefly last season, outside, Arya looking on at Mace Tyrell and ser Trent – juuuuust before :
The iron bank is essentially the intersection of a tax free swiss hideaway and the US Fed in Westeros speak – if you can get the loan, they’re generous as hell, but (we haven’t seen this yet) rumor has it they actually will kill you if the sum and resulting interests go unpaid for too long. This matters because our ‘ol friend Pete, whose whereabouts are currently sketchy as they’ve ever been, is from the “free city” of Bravoos. He’s a slave, a commoner, who came from nothing to rise to a position of power – but loose allusions his heritage in show and book cannot go unnoticed. Why’s this matter? Because he fucking hates everyone save Caitlyn Stark or women who sort of resemble Caitlyn Stark aka the Lannisters aka he was the master of coin (treasurer) for quite a long time at ‘ol kings landing…who does “the crown” currently owe a dick load of money to via Baelish’s Steve-O Rise and Demise esque borrowing strategy? The Iron Bank. He’s coming home, presumably with Sansa whenever she finds her way out of the woods (out of the woods yeah are we out of the woods yeah) with stupid Theon. Who’s gonna kill the bastard? One of the Stark girls, maybe both…
Mike: Honestly, I don’t really like Lemon Cake. I find his plot line expired. He should take that little fortress in the middle of nowhere and just chill out til a dragon or white walker eventually destroys it.
By The Open Field Staff
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ROUNDTABLE: Picking the “Starting 5” for each Presidential Candidate
(Editor’s Note: Summary of this article: If each presidential candidate had to create a starting 5, to play a basketball game, choosing only from their endorsers, we simulate who they should pick.)
As any great political analyst knows, the most important thing about a political figure is who they have backing them. Endorsements are as important to the American politician as strippers are to Rick Pitino.
With the race for the White House drawing closer with each passing day, the endorsements for these candidates grows increasingly more important to the eventual outcome.
We, the political analysts here at The Open Field, know a lot about basketball. At least, we know more about basketball than we do about politics. So, for our simpleton minds, we compiled a starting 5 (plus a head coach) for each candidate remaining. This starting 5 has to be made up of endorsers of each candidate.
Team Donald Trump – Mikey
Team Ted Cruz – Bob
Team Hillary Clinton – Shaun
Team Bernie Sanders – Killian
Few ground rules before we start. No former NBA players can be included in the list. Dennis Rodman is disqualified, as is Jason Kidd. There will be a starting 5, plus a head coach, and two assistant coaches. Also, the game will not be decided by actual playing ability. We will decide the winner based on the squad that… well… I guess we will just know who the real winner is, America.
Without further ado…
Team Donald Trump
Aaron Carter – This becomes the easiest position on the court to pick when you look at the list of Donald Trump endorsers. I don’t know if many of you have forgotten, but Aaron Carter once beat Shaq in a game of one on one. Shaq is like, really good at basketball, right? Wrong. Aaron Carter is better. That is a fact, because he won that game they played one time. Look, this one isn’t even close.
Team Ted Cruz
Cthulu – The unique benefits of being part octopus, part man, and part dragon lend themselves particularly well to the ballhandler role. The Great Old One, Sleeper of R’lyeh, Son of Yog-Sothoth is highly capable of using his multitude of tentacles to run the court, while holding opponents at bay by devouring their souls and condemning them to endless dimensions of sleepless Hell. As a bonus, mere mortals are gripped by paralyzing fear and a downward spiral into insanity simply by gazing upon the ancient cosmic entity, which would make it difficult for them to play a solid zone defense.
Team Hillary Clinton
Amal Clooney – I’m going intellectual with my point guard choice because I need a floor general to control this pack of misfits. Amal quite literally makes me ask “who?” when you tell me her husband’s name after rattling off her resume. Cool, bro – you gave a C-minus performance as Batman and you spoke out against the Iraq War. So did like 80% of the rest of the country. Amal runs the entire world. #1 in my “cool lawyer” power rankings, that’s for sure. As a matter of fact, scratch this – I may just make Hillary Clinton the point guard on Team Amal Clooney. Switch them around. Amal should be the one running for President. I’ll ignore the whole British/Lebanese thing, if you guys do. Hell, we got a Canadian running in the Republican Party anyways. So, I basically have a President running my presidential basketball team. And I’m going to put asses in the seats because George Clooney will be at all the games. Good luck keeping up, everyone else.
Team Bernie Sanders
The Based God – Lil B curses all other candidate teams. Call KD and Harden for a reference…
Team Donald Trump
Gary Busey – Equipped with a hyper-intensity that can only be described as the opposite of James Harden at all times, Busey is going to be running the floor ALL DAY. While I can’t guarantee he will stay actually on the “court” the whole time, he won’t stop running probably until the arena closes down. This will tire out the opposition, as well as basically everyone there. If I have learned anything from the Trump campaign so far, tiring out everyone with lunacy, gibberish, and nonsense is what is making America great again. Gary Busey for shooting guard 2016! Make basketball great again!
Team Ted Cruz
Glenn Beck – GLENN BECK IS A GARBAGE-SPEWING IDIOT. WE PUT HIM IN THE WORST POSITION ON THE COURT AND INSTRUCTED NO ONE TO PASS HIM THE BALL, EVEN IF HE ASKS NICELY. ONCE PER HALF, WE CALL A TIME-OUT JUST SO WE CAN ALL HIT GLENN IN THE NADS.
Team Hillary Clinton
Abbi Jacobson/Ilana Glazer – first off, if you haven’t started watching Broad City, then I pity you, because it is the funniest show on television. Hillary was on the show last week, so she asked me to have them on the team. Also, they’re a package deal, so if anyone calls me out for cheating they can get lost. But more importantly, Hillary needs these two on her team because her campaign is incredibly boring and she needs to spice it up a bit. That’s where these two come in – the comedic equivalent of standing in the corner and just stroking three-pointers all game. Yeah, sure, maybe they play defense once in awhile but they’re here to just drain tre-bombs on everyone else. The only issue I’m sensing is that if we put Ilana with 2 Chainz, our power forward, we may never have a sober starting line up. Starting to smell like pot in our locker room… YAAAAS QUEEN.
Team Bernie Sanders
Bill Maher – Bill instills a certain type of over aggression that every team needs. He holds an arsenal of political information about every candidate. Something that every great player and comedian share is timing, he’ll make the big joke or make the big shot. His career has been paved by no-holds bar opinions and not giving a shit what the outside noise says (So what you’re telling me is he’s locked in). My only worry is that on Team Bernie he’ll be too high to play, become the good ‘ole fashion cynic well hold near and dear, and use 4 seats on the end of the bench to take a nap.
Team Donald Trump
Terrell Owens – I saw him play in a few celebrity all-star games, so I know he can play. Plus he’s super tall and coordinated, which is usually a good thing in basketball. T.O, as he is known to sports fans, is flashy both on and off the field. That flair, coupled with his net worth (Editors Note: Holy Shit) makes him the perfect member of Team Trump. Nothing screams Donald Trump like false impressions of wealth and ironic showmanship. Terrell Owens has both by the truck load.
Team Ted Cruz
All Three of the Trailer Park Boys – When it comes to athleticism, Cruz supporters are not a particularly talented bunch. So how can we possibly match up against an iconic NFL-caliber wide receiver? Simple. Bring in extra players. Reaching back to his Canadian roots, Cruz will employ the services of Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles to fill the small forward role. Here’s to hoping they bring enough weed to sedate T.O (a tall order) and finally get Bubbles the right prescription so he can drain threes like Mr. Lahey drains a bottle of Wild Turkey on a Tuesday morning. Cheeseburgers and Zesty Mordant Chips at halftime, of course.
Team Hillary Clinton
Ben Affleck – quickly, everyone else: please raise your hands if you have Batman on your team… My goodness, this is starting to get sad. Hillary is running away with this one. Affleck is real bulked up now, well, because he is Batman. So I got some muscle here at the 3. He can get in the paint and bang around, but he also has the jumper to play out on the wing. Plus, he is tough. Can’t question Affleck’s toughness (well, Google Gigli and maybe you can). He’s a superhero, a bank thief, a CIA agent – much like his head coach on Team Hillary, I am so impressed with the diverse resume here. I sense that we need to work on his 3-point shot. Doesn’t strike me as a gamer from way downtown. Also, keep him away from Ilana and Abbi – trying to curb his tendencies to chase around 20-something year olds. Matt Damon is on the bench as my backup small forward, but Ben’s length and size gives him the edge to crack the starting five.
Team Bernie Sanders
John C. Reilly– Low center of gravity, and hair only seen during the Phil Jackson days of playing. John wears white converses, white tube socks, knee pads, team colored shorts (Team Bernie calls tie-die as our official color, yes I said color), a team colored jersey with no undershirt, rec-specs and a headband. He is the quintessential last guy gets picked on the playground, but god damn will he work. The synonym of hustle is “Reilly”; offensive rebounding, taking a charge, setting the hard screen. The sweatiest guy on the court.
Team Donald Trump
Hulk Hogan – As many of you know by now, Hulk Hogan had sex with his friend’s wife and GOT PAID $115 MILLION FOR IT (or something like that). That kind of hustle has not been seen since Aaron Craft took his rosy red cheeks out of the American spotlight. If Tommy Heinsohn awarded Tommy points for sexual deviance that would have broken the scale. Hulkamania’s powerful upper body strength, alongside his apparent inability to play basketball makes him an ideal rebounder for Team Trump. He will inevitably foul out, leaving his team to play a man down for the remaining 47 minutes of the 48 minute game, but letting his friends down due to his inability to resist his physical urges is something he has become known for. Rock on Hulk, keep grabbing ass and refusing to pass.
Team Ted Cruz
Ric Flair – Power forward isn’t a size game. It’s a confidence one. You post up, get in your opponent’s head and you strut around there in your bedazzled fur-lined robe like you own the place. Drop some knife-edged chops when the stripes aren’t looking, “WOO!” in his ear a couple times, and tie up the Figure-Four Leg Lock the second he tries to drive the lane. Who needs wingspan when you’ve got 243 pounds of liver-spotted, golden-haired man waiting to slap you in the chest every time you grab a rebound? And the best part – winner goes him with a belt.
Team Hillary Clinton
2 Chainz – I’m cheating here (again), but I don’t care. Tauheed “2 Chainz/Tity Boi” Epps is one of the most charismatic, entertaining, and intelligent members of the hip hop community. He also happens to be a former Division I basketball player at Alabama State University. Standing at 6’5”, the product of College Park, Georgia will simply destroy this entire field and lead Team Hillary to victory. The tension is palpable from the other writers that compiled teams. I can feel how nervous they are to face this guy – you just can’t practice and scout him. He’s too good. If we can just keep the blunts away from him until we get to the locker room after the game, we’ll be all set. He scored 14 points against Alcorn State one time – guarantee not one of those squids on Team Trump can say the same thing.
General Manager’s Note – I wanted all rappers. I typically always want all rappers, in all walks of life. But I couldn’t do that to Hil-dawg. She’s got too much talent in her endorsement pool. But just so you know, I could have added Kanye West, Pharrell Williams, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, A$AP Rocky, Waka Flocka Flame, and freaking JA RULE to this roster and everyone else would have had to just quit and go home. Hillary has some street cred, apparently. Kudos to her.
Team Bernie Sanders
Will Ferrell – My front court has had a belly full of white dog shit, and they are having none of it anymore! The chemistry between Ferrell and Reilly will be like poetry in motion, Jordan and Pippen. Much like Reilly he has a low center of gravity. Will is a blue-chip prospect of an athlete, I don’t know of any person on the planet who played for 10 different MLB team in one day! Ferrell is a head case like Boogie Cousins though, it is a 100% guarantee he’ll get a technical.
Team Bernie would like to know who will be the celebrity referee? Team Bernie wishes to hire Father Pat from Semi-pro and not Marvin the Martian again, he’s too short with people. (It’s ok to laugh at a bad joke)
Team Donald Trump
John Daly – Athletic prowess and general ability to take up space are the main reasons behind the choosing of PGA pro John Daly for the anchor spot in the Trump line-up. He is extremely large, and represents the closest thing the world of golf has to an anti-establishment figure. He chain smokes, hits the ball a fucking mile, and lives his life in a perpetual state of “shut up, I am totally good to drive” sobriety. Trump might actually want to make Daly his running mate, seeing as though I never noticed until now that they are the exact same person. Trump and Daly, what a world.
Team Ted Cruz
That One Uncle Of Yours – You have an uncle that supports Ted Cruz, you just don’t know it yet. In fact, you may never know. But he’s out there. Maybe he drinks a little too much at Christmas and makes a semi-racist remark. Or maybe you’re watching football at Thanksgiving and he casually mentions how there’s no evidence that evolution is real or man-made climate change is happening. Whoever it is, he supports Cruz, and he’s playing center. Why? Because he’s a neutralizer. When he lines up across from John Daly for tipoff, you better believe they’re gonna hit it off. They’ll be smoking cigars by the end of the first quarter and nine Old Milwaukees deep by halftime. Just like that, we’ve taken the opponent’s center out of the game and opened up more space for Cthulu, Ancient Being of Smite and Demigod of Crossovers, to exploit.
Team Hillary Clinton
Warren Buffett– this 85-year old bought his way into the starting five and he promised us that he would buy us new jerseys and shoes if we let him play. Couldn’t say no. With that said, you couldn’t say you knew this guy was 85. He doesn’t sound like it and he doesn’t act like it. He is also a big basketball guy (I think). But the key to having Buffett on my team, is that he’s going to be an excellent locker room guy. He is selfless – he’s currently backing Hillary while calling for higher taxes for the incredibly rich (Oh, look, they actually mentioned policy in this article). Can’t teach that kind of teamwork. One of those intangible qualities that coaches love in their locker room. Buffett – great find for Team Hillary. Probably why he’s worth over $6 quadrillion or something like that.
Team Bernie Sanders
Ben & Jerry– With all respect to Phish, B&J are the biggest thing coming out of Vermont since maple syrup (which they’ve captured in many of their ice cream flavors). An empire nestled in New England, something that is not a rarity around these parts. With the marketing prowess of Jackie Moon and brand recognition of B&J, our fan base would experience cirque du soleil type nights with free ice cream.
General Manager’s Note: Big Boi, T.I., Tyler the Creator, Nas, Bun B, Chris Brown, David Banner, Killer Mike, Scarface. Classic Clinton camp, counting their chickens before they hatch and underestimating Bernie. When the foundation of your platform is covered by a thick veil of smoke you’re bound to pick up a DEDICATED following.
Team Donald Trump
Mike Ditka – I would have selected Bob Knight for this role, but I wanted to choose a really good coach who doesn’t NOT have a signature moustache. Mike Ditka is known primarily for endorsing upwards of 500 products , so maybe he has no idea he even endorsed Trump, but he will be coaching this team SO HELP ME GOD. His ability to make little to no sense when discussing athletics, coupled with his blind support of anything that pays him money, makes his leadership a vital part of what this team is about. No one is better equipped to handle the personalities of Team Trump than the guy who just doesn’t care as long as he is getting paid.
Team Ted Cruz
Texans For Fiscal Responsibility – A star-studded team doesn’t come cheap, so we need to ensure contracts are being properly managed and our money is being spent in the most efficient way possible. That means cutting funding for all Planned Parenthood clinics and redistributing that wealth to meet our players’ wage structure. Mostly Cthulu. He’s on a solid incentive-based system.
Team Hillary Clinton
Robert Deniro– he’s played all of the roles. The psychotic taxi driver, the boxing champion, the brutally-difficult-to-deal-with father-in-law – you name it and he’s done it. But this is a whole new role. A chance to take this team of misfit all-stars and lead them to the promised land. He permanently entered athletic folklore in Raging Bull, but never with a whole squad like this. No one on the list of Hillary supporters seems to command the same presence on screen, except for God himself, Morgan Freeman. But Deniro edges him out just barely based on personal preference. He smokes pot with Zac Efron, so you know he’s cool. I’m sensing a pot-smoking pattern here… probably should have thought this through a little better when I put my roster together. Looks like Team Sanders also has a bunch of pot smokers too. God damn liberals…
But Deniro only gets hired if he promises me that he will cut some Hillary supporters from the team: Lena Dunham, Farrah Abraham, Perez Hilton, Jason Kidd, David Stern, and Kris Jenner. They’re listed as endorsers on Hillary’s Wikipedia, but I want them all cut. They’re bringing the team down. Adios. Also, on another tangent – how upset do politicians get when some moron endorses them? LIke Hillary sees that Farrah Abraham wants her to be President. What does she do or say? Uhh, thanks? How’s your kid doing? Got to be the most awkward feeling.
Team Bernie Sanders
Jeremy Piven – Basketball is not about X’s and O’s today, it’s all about managing personalities and having the room presence to convince EVERYONE that you’ve got the big swingin’ dick. Ari Gold, Jeremy Piven same deal. I really don’t know if there’s anything else to say about him? If I forgot something Lloyd will be able to fill you in. Feel the Bern.
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Picking the (New) Most Interesting Man in the World
Last week, news broke about a cultural icon that is on his way to retirement…
He is regularly seen in cardboard form at about 90% of all fraternities in the United States (I have one in my basement), yet nobody knows his real name. Johnathan Goldsmith began his acting career way before Dos Equis, but those gigs were part–time rolls. In 2007, the grizzled face that carries himself with more swagger than The Diplomats at the 2003 Grammys had finally appeared.
Dos Equis execs had struck gold with the “Most Interesting Man in the World.” Everything about their marketing efforts showed, especially in today’s tech-age where Memes were created in his honor by the second. The numbers backed up the plan as well, about 5 years after their initial commercial Dos Equis was the fastest growing beer brands in the world. From 2008-2013 they experienced growth of about 116%, which placed them below Corona and Heineken in regards to the largest imported beer in the United States.
Alas, all good things must come to an end…
The beer industry has seen a crazy overhaul as young drinkers begin to emerge, and they all seem to look like this guy. I love craft beer, if you can make an amazing batch of liquid then by all means capitalism away!
The emergance of craft beer is like a thorn in the side to the likes an an Anheuser-Busch, they’ve reached a status of too big to fail. What craft beer does hurt are the imported beers that fall below the line of “super-power”. This is why “The Most Interesting Man in the World” has been asked to retire. Dos Equis announced that it would replace Goldsmith in the role as the “Most Interesting Man in the World”, saying that the brand hoped to “reboot the character in a way that’s relevant for today’s drinker so the brand doesn’t get stale.”
After hearing this heartbreaking news I first needed time to recuperate, and then I put it on myself to find the most viable option for The Most Interesting Man in the World. But what makes the interesting man so interesting? Here are 5 key attributes:
Face (Everyone has one, most are ugly. Ability to grow beard is a prerequisite)
Clothing (If you can’t pick up a model, covered in mud, while traversing the Serengeti…get out)
Posture (Basic ergonomics)
Talent (Everyone has a niche, Johnathan Goldsmith’s was looking good)
Irresistible (I think that’s a trait? I’ll let you know when I come across it)
Now that we’ve laid down the foundation for our next man, I’ve begun to search the internet for the right prospect (what I found was usually porn, I tend to get sidetracked). After minutes of painstaking thinking I was able to rattle off several feasible replacements for the Dos Equis brand:
Justin Timberlake: This guy has got it all, I have been on record saying he is this generation’s Michael Jackson. Triple Threat to a T, he can sing, dance, and act. Now a new father to an adorable son, a beverage endorsement could be the icing on the cake for the former Mickey Mouse clubber.
Nick Offerman: Now I know that Ron Swanson would not support an imported beer, he would be too busy drinking a glass of Lagavulin 16. Nick Offerman has the look and the demeanor to say whatever it is that needs to be said, and we’ll accept it as true. #OffermanIn2020
Charlie Whitehurst: I don’t remember who said this, but when your name is “Clipboard Jesus” there is some type of allure towards you. Guy’s a rock star, and has a killer Instagram feed worthy of some “Most Interesting” shit.
Dan Bilzerian: Google him. A Lot of guns, cars, muscle, and women…Interesting indeed
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: I’d put him in the “Too Big to Fail” category, the guy is a savage. Plus my mom thinks he’s handsome (she’s not wrong, good lookin’ dude). This can could both metaphorically and physically lift your brand.
George Clooney: If this was pre-marriage I would call Vegas now, he still is my pick to who should replace the OG Interesting man. Close your eyes and see if you can seemly replace George Clooney with Johnathan Goldsmith. Clooney is a man’s man, who only waits for himself.
Last year’s MVP and looking like this year’s MVP Stephen Curry set the world on fire. Shooting 3’s at an unheard clip, and just crushin’ it everywhere he goes. I was at the bar last Saturday night when Curry pulled up from half court to win, I had to second guess myself when he made it. I was caught between a real life moment and whether or not I watched another one of his highlights again. He seems to hit one every other night, so you can’t blame me. All that comes with breaking his own point record(s) and taking down Lebron, you would assume his star shined the brightest.
Enter Corso,“Not so fast!”
This is partially because golf season is back. I don’t know about you, but I personally think America is at its greatest when Phil Mickelson is out there doing what he does best…swinging lefty and talking about landing spots.
Any fan of Golf knew who Jordan Spieth was at the beginning of the 2015 season. Fast forward to today, and there may not a person who hasn’t heard of the 22 year old Dallas native. Since we’re in the beginning stages of the new season, looking back at Jordan’s past year makes it near impossible to think another major sports star had it better.
Prior to last April, golf analysts pegged Spieth as a bright spot for the future of golf and someone that can compete with Rory to create as much publicity as Tiger ever did. He had a couple of tour wins under his belt and a number of top ten finishes prior to the 2015 Masters, then the magic happened.
A wire to wire, -18 victory at Augusta set the table. He was the second ever person to do so, last done in 1972. If it weren’t for a bogey on the final hole Jordan would have set the low-score aggregate record for a tournament. Instead he’s tied with Tiger at 270 strokes, but his -19 score going into hole #72 had never been done in the previous 81 years. He walked away with a cool $1.8 million after that one. The Masters aren’t like any other tournament, it’s an exclusive fraternity much like the Heisman or Super Bowl MVP.
Now that his table was set, Jordan Spieth ATE the rest of the year. He went from “possibly winning majors in the future” to worlds #1 golfer. Keep in mind that he’s 22 years old and went from ranked #809 in the world at the end of 2012, to all eyes on him. He cleaned up the U.S. Open and had his sights set on the Claret Jug (one of my personal favorite trophies, World Cup is #1), but some crazy wind and 2 suspensions of play due to rain may have helped hinder is quest for a Grand Slam (Tied for 4th, still ridiculous). He rounded out the Major season with a second place finish at the PGA Championship, giving him four top-5 finishes in the 2015 majors. And just for shits ang gigs, why not win the unofficial fifth Major?…So he took the Tour Championship.
This isnt just about winning golf tournaments, or comparing statistics across sports. Jordan Speith had the best 2015 because his entire world flipped upside down. A year ago today he’s a budding star and we’re currently debating if he’ll be the one to catch the golden bear’s 18. Do I think it’ll happen? Maybe if he weren’t in such a saturated field of talent, but I’m patient enough to let that play out.
He broke the record for most earnings in a season ($12 million) plus the FedEx cup ($10 million). His endorsements pushed him north of $30 million for the year. His earnings on the course alone average out to a little more than $250,000 per round played. He won more tournaments in 2015 than his previous professional years combined. Guys on a roll, and doesn’t look like stopping for a while.
His hairline is also running away from him, so let this also be a public service announcement to not wear hats at all hours of the day. Unless your being paid to.
He is a horse, who will live a wonderful horse life. Spread his seed for millions of
dollars, then right to the glue bottle you go.
If she completed the grand slam it’d make this much harder, but she lost to a no name. Plus she’s reached a level of her profession where these types of performances are expected.
This year marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Happy Gilmore. So, we here at The Open Field felt it was a perfect opportunity to all contribute to our first ever Roundtable Blog, which will be a staple on this site in the coming months. Below, you will find a small piece from each author about what Happy Gilmore meant to them 20 years ago, and still means to them today.
90% percent sure I’ve never seen the movie start to finish. Have I seen it all or at all? Doesn’t matter, dude’s been making the same flick forever. I guess there’s an argument to be had here about what Sandler’s “best” movie is, and given the popularity of Shooter Mcgavin’s Twitter account that’s probably pretty fair. That said, there’s just something about “Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?” that screams all time greatness, never wanted to fuck with that thought process.
My own dad was a doctor, he missed the playing 18 lecture in med school so to that point the hockey stick – teeing off bit is hilarious regardless of context. It legitimately reminds me of myself on the green with or without the beers and with an actual club. I could do without the Bruins affiliation, but he does the accent soo well…like I said: the guys got FORMULA. On second thought, keep the B’s jersey, I couldn’t love anything more than the best comedic Boston accent of all time coming from a Brooklyn-ite.
On Why I Am I Better Match For Bob Barker Than Happy Was Or Ever Will Be
On the 20th Anniversary of this beautiful and generation-defining movie, there is really only one thing that matters – revisiting the Barker-Gilmore fight. Why? Because it’s time to face the facts: Bob Barker brings out the worst in men. And I, for one, would love to end him.
Let me pick apart the inadequacies in Mr. Barker’s fighting style right now and show the world once and for all that I could kick the shit out of a 92 year old in hand-to-hand-combat like our dear friend Happy was so woefully unable to.
First thing any seasoned warrior will notice is Bob’s punching stance. Left hand hangs a bit low when he starts tossing uppercuts with his right. Tssk. Bob, Bob, Bob. You really think you can leave Western Barkerfaceyllvania open like that and I’m not gonna paint it with precisely-placed jabs like a young Drago? For such a charming and respected man, you sure are ignorant.
From there it does get a bit tougher. I respect that Bob knows how to work an opponent. Body-body-head. Hands come down, hit the head, hands come up, hit the body. Work it Bob. I can appreciate that. But I can also assure you that my diligent routine of four v-sit pull-ups per week has left me with an impenetrable torso like Anhur, the Egyptian god of war. You hit this body, you hit a steel wall reinforced with a thin layer of fat primarily for storing heat during the cold Boston winters.
Oh now you’re gonna keep your hands way out wide? This isn’t Karate Kid, Bob. You are not and will never be Ralph Macchio. There is no crane stance to save you. You leave that sternum wide open, you better believe I’m channeling my inner high school wrestler and delivering a blast double the likes of which your sorry Tales-From-The-Crypt-Lookin’-Ass has never seen. I will sweep your leg, I will win this match with no honor, and I will take both Elisabeth Shue and Vanna White as my lawfully wedded wives, monogamy be damned.
Oh I’m sorry, you think I care you hosted WWE Raw in 2009? Let me counter that hypothetical question with another. You think I wouldn’t clean house on WWE Raw using a debilitating combination of Sicilian wits and egregious application of vaseline to my underwhelming body? Think again, Bob.
And, unlike Happy, I won’t make the same mistake as every movie protagonist ever (see Oberyn Martell and his squished head). I will never, and I mean never, stand over your motionless body and gloat. Happy may have delivered one of the iconic shit-talks of all time, but hubris kills. Instead, I will take two steps back and deliver six to seven decisive chops to your carotid artery. And because I always learn from others mistakes, I will light your pale, yet surprisingly lithe body on fire to ensure no post-mortem tomfoolery will occur.
It would be a pleasure to meet you on the field of battle, Bob. But know that, should our fates ever cross, I will end you.
Happy Gilmore has an endless amount of quotable lines, and it is one of the greatest sports-comedy films (maybe even sports films) ever. It provides a hilarious blue collar slant to one of the stuffiest atmospheres in the world: a golf club. All jokes aside, Shooter McGavin may be one of the best movie villains of all-time, and other than Caddyshack, I do not think any golf movie gets recited on the course more often by regular guys like you and I. And of course the film also starred Julie Bowen, and she is just splendid!
While I could still tell you the first time I ever saw the film because it is that important to my low brow choice of film-watching (rainy vacation on Cape Cod, circa 2001), let us take a step back and look at it in the big picture of Adam Sandler’s seemingly endless career on film. This dude sold his soul to the devil, because no one with his resume should have two decades of films. But here we are.
In 1996, Sandler already had a name for himself thanks to Saturday Night Live and his solo comedy albums, but his career on the big screen was not much to stop and look at. Looking back now, Billy Madison sits on the Mount Rushmore of Sandler movies alongside Happy Gilmore, but in 1995 it crashed pretty bad and was not well-received, even by Sandler standards (which are staggeringly low).
But following Happy Gilmore’s success in the box office, in which it debuted at #2 in its opening weekend, the film marked the blast-off point in Sandler’s film career and he has not looked back, amassing over $2 BILLION in box office sales since. After Gilmore, Sandler rattled off The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, and Little Nicky all within the next few years – and all of which he wrote himself, along with Happy Gilmore. Little Nicky was also the first film Sandler starred in under his own production company, Happy Madison Productions. The name of the company came from… well you guys are smart so I will leave that to you.
Say what you will about the guy – he barely seems like he is even trying on screen sometimes. But he has been successful and he has found his niche. I like the guy. I’ll admit it. It is hard not to. And Happy Gilmore was the first glimpse I caught of him as a 10-year old kid who was just glad his parents were not paying attention enough to catch him watching this movie at the time.
The PGA even spent an entire day last week paying homage to the film’s 20th anniversary. It has cemented itself as one of the hallmarks of comedy when it comes to the game of golf, and given the age of the new golfers on Tour when the film came out, its legacy is only going to grow.
And from now until I am too crippled to swing a golf club, whenever I miss a putt, or two, or sometimes three on the same hole, it is almost a guarantee that I am going to ask the golf ball if it was too good to go in its home. Kind of crazy to imagine that we are devoting this much attention to such a crazy film but it was a staple of our childhood. Happy 20th Birthday, Happy.
Ben Stiler changed my perception of old people homes forever
There’s enough humor above to take this a slightly different route, so I want to dedicate this space to shout out an unsung hero. The man responsible for making the movie everything it was 20 years ago, who did so by showing a lack of institutional control on par with Roger Goodell, but in alllllll the right ways. Fictional PGA Tour Director – “Doug”
Doug, your inability to control any of the PGA Regulations that I KNOW were in place 20 years ago is why you are the MVP of this entire movie. Happy was literally fighting Bob Barker on national television and you suspended him like, a week. Shooter “Shooter” McGavin actually employed someone to follow Happy around and yell profanities during his back-swing. You’re either a moron or a god damn visionary allowing that to happen. In fact, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you allowed it by choice, in which case kudos to you brother. Without you, Shooter and Happy both become polarizing figures without a counterpart. Keeping them together, opposing each other so directly throughout the entire tour, in order to boost revenue and let integrity fall to the wayside, as most good leaders do. You set up the “Magic v Larry” the PGA needed during a very difficult period for viewership. You are probably the reason golf still exists today. Hats off to you Doug, for allowing the type of tomfoolery the PGA so desperately needed.
Oh, and also, a very serious tip of the cap to Happy Gilmore, Chubbs, Doug, Shooter, Bob, Julie Bowen and everyone involved in the movie that cemented itself as a transcendent masterpiece in the minds of everyone who has had the pleasure of enjoying it. We, here at The Open Field, salute your 20 years, and hope for another 100 to follow. Now, KICK HIM OFF THE TOUR DOUG!
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