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Old Guy Hates Thing: Twenty One Pilots

Old Guy Hates Thing: Twenty One Pilots

Twenty One Pilots: “I’ve been thinking too much. Help. Me.”

Me: “1) I would bet my whole life that there is no way you have been thinking too much, and 2) I wouldn’t help you if we were the last two people on Earth and you were injured and if I didn’t save you I would be completely alone until I died many years later.”

I’ve never had more difficulty writing something in my entire life. For this article I did the thing I like the least. I did the worst thing on Earth. I did something that I wouldn’t subject my actual worst enemy to.

I listened to Twenty One Pilots.

GGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME NOW KILLLLLL MEEEEEEEE

Listen up young people. I’m a live and let live kind of guy. I swear I am. But some things in this world are so vile, so vapid, so tremendously stupid and awful that you have to stand against them. I’m talking genocide. I’m talking human-trafficking. I’m talking Caillou. I’m talking kids starving to death. I’m talking racism.

But most of all I’m talking Twenty One Pilots.

I would like to get one thing out of the way immediately: Why does the drummer guy (if you think, for one second, I’m going to look up the names of these colossal dingbats you are completely insane) insist on acting like he’s actually doing anything in these songs? There is no real drumming in these songs. It’s all drum machines and computers. Or, maybe it was real drumming at one point but it’s so distorted and covered in dog shit that it makes no difference. WHO DOES HE THINK HE’S FOOLING. What a goddamn joke.

Now.

I am aware of three of their songs. Two from their latest album – you can imagine my shock when I looked them up and saw that they have four total albums; how could we let this happen? – and that one from Suicide Squad. That’s the extent of my exposure. (Oh my god, “Lane Boy” just came on accidentally on Youtube while I was listening to these three songs and, holy shit, it’s worse than the rest.)

All together, I’ve probably heard all three songs all the way through once or twice. There are a few reasons for this: 1) I don’t listen to the radio, 2) I don’t work at a place that has a communal radio, and 3) when for some reason I am listening to the radio – guaranteed to be my kids’ fault – and one of their songs comes on I am immediately faced with two choices: swerve into oncoming traffic or turn the radio off. I opt for the latter because how can I take my children with me to that end? They have agency; only they can choose how to live their lives. On the other hand, the first option would mean my sweet kids would never have to hear another Twenty One Pilots song…

Anyway, they all have that faux-melancholic bullshit melody that is faker than the Housewives’ newly installed jammers. They all have fake drumming and various dumb electronic sounds. And they have horrible, horseshit rapping by the rapper guy. It’s so so bad, guys. Please be honest with yourselves.

“Stressed Out” is so obviously a dime store “My Name Is” knockoff that it bleeds into poorly-done-parody territory. “Ride” is…jesus, “Ride” is odious. I hate it with the fire of a million suns.

But I have the most visceral reaction to “Heathens.” It’s like they distilled the very worst parts of their band – which is every part of their band – boiled the resulting sludge in a vat of acid and poured it straight into my goddamn ears. It’s the most repulsive thing I have ever heard. I’ve never heard the whole song and I’m very proud of that fact. You couldn’t pay me enough to listen to the whole thing – OK, I would do it for a million dollars; OK, a thousand; OK, $35. Still.

In closing, let’s look at a sampling of the lyrics of these songs.

From “Stressed Out”:

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

God shut up.

From “Heathens”:

Welcome to the room of people
Who have rooms of people that they loved one day
Locked away
Just because we check the guns at the door
Doesn’t mean our brains will change from hand grenades

God please shut up.

And finally, from “Ride”:

Metaphorically, I’m the man

This is, literally, the worst line in any song ever.

But, whatever, you need to make money, I guess.

OH JESUS WHAT HAVE I BECOME.

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Fantasy Football can go straight to Hell

Fantasy Football can go straight to Hell

A couple of things that are the worst: tweet storms, Twenty One Pilots, most of humanity, and other people’s fantasy football stories.

Well, too bad, here’s my fantasy football story: my fantasy team lost because my IRL team was too good at football. I shit you not.

I needed 33 points from Andrew Luck to make the playoffs. A long shot by any measure, to be sure. And then he started flipping that pigskin all over the field. And the Jets are complete horseshit and I’m like, “oh hell yes I’m gonna get these points and make the playoffs and at least win my money back so the wife isn’t pissed at me for pissing away money on dumbass fantasy sports again.”

So guess what? The Jets are so goddamn bad at football that Andrew Luck throws for for 289 yards and 4 touchdowns and has 29 points, and the Jets only have three points, because they are an abomination. So, the Colts are making one last drive with Luck at QB late in the third quarter. They get down to the three yard line because, again, the Jets would lose to Rutgers I swear to god. And but so, Luck hands the ball off to Robert Turbin – who’s that? you ask; exactly, I reply – who turns on the afterburners that I never knew he had and dives for the pylon and scores a goddamn touchdown.

The Colts are now up a million to goddamn three or whatever and Luck is coming out of the game because he didn’t even really need to play at all against the goddamn Jets because they are a pox upon the tainted sport of football. And so I lose my fantasy match up by three points to some cocksucker I have never met all because my team – the team I want to win more than any other team – was too fucking good at playing the sport I want them to be good at.

Fantasy Football and the NFL can go die in a hole. It won’t be around in 15 years anyway.

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Plane carrying Brazilian soccer club Chapecoense crashes in Colombia

Plane carrying Brazilian soccer club Chapecoense crashes in Colombia

A plane headed for Medellin, Colombia crashed last night. It was carrying players and staff of the Brazilian first division soccer club Chapecoense, as well as members of the media. There were 81 people on board, only six survived. It has been reported that three of the survivors may be players.

Chapecoense were on the way to play Colombian club Atletico Nacional in the Copa Sudamericana (South American Cup) final, which is essentially a South American Champions League. They were an amazing story: only reaching the Brazilian top division in 2014, Chapecoense were in the fourth division as recently as 2009.

The club was on a Cinderella run through the Copa Sudamericana. They were beloved by citizens of Santa Catarina, a small Brazilian city with a population under 200,000 in which they played. It is a truly heartbreaking tragedy, and the worldwide soccer community – and really every community – is deeply saddened and reaching out with support. Atletico Nacional is apparently petitioning to award the Copa Sudamericana championship to Chapecoense. Another petition has evidently been started to allow the club to receive free loanees and be exempt from relegation.

As you would expect, many images and videos of the team are being shared.

Here are some of the players who were not making the trip to the final, sitting in their home locker room after news of the crash:

This is a video of Chapecoense, in the same locker room, celebrating their win last week that saw them through to the final:

Here’s a video of Chapecoense players telling a teammate he is going to be a father. It’s from 20 days ago:

Finally, this is a video of Chapecoense fans who came together at their stadium:

I don’t know what else to say besides hug your peoples.

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Things to talk about at Thanksgiving other than politics

Things to talk about at Thanksgiving other than politics

A lot of people are home or heading home – by home I mean their parents’ house – for the Thanksgiving break. The conversations surrounding Thanksgiving dinner are always seen as a field of landmines, but this year is the Bane of potentially awkward interactions.

Here are some other less horrible things to talk about besides politics:

1. Nana’s goiter.

2. That one time Uncle Fred brought a “date” to Christmas dinner who he claimed was 19 years old but everyone was very suspicious.

3. Japanese internment camps, wait, no, uh…

4. How handsome Jimmy Garoppolo is.

5. Go around the table and have everyone list and describe all their family pets that have died.

6. How insane it is that White Nationalism used to be a thing, crap, sorry, hmm…

7. The Problem of Evil, which goes something like this: if God is omnipotent, omnibenevolent, and omniscient why do horrendous things – e.g. Andrew Luck being concussed – happen constantly all over the world to billions of people.

8. Duke Basketball.

9. That one cousin who is in and out of jail, but his parents think he is a sweet boy that would never do anything wrong. Also, his parents are eating Thanksgiving dinner with you.

10. Twenty One Pilots…just kidding, they are the worst thing on Earth, don’t you ever dare speak of them.

Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

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Jurgen Klinsmann finally speaks: it’s not great

Jurgen Klinsmann finally speaks: it’s not great

Let’s take a live look at Jurgen Klinsmann enjoying his Sunday evening.

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I was very excited and happy when US Soccer hired Jurgen Klinsmann. Bob Bradley did a fine job, but he wasn’t going to push the USMNT through to new and higher ground. Klinsmann was definitely going to do that. Never mind that it would take years (like a decade) and a completely different institutional structure to execute his promise of more proactive, attacking, possession-oriented, “beautiful” soccer. Never mind that it turned out that it really was Jogi Low behind the success Germany had under Klinsmann (JK does deserve credit for reinvigorating their youth program).

I bought it all: hook, line, and sinker. I was a believer. I was fully on Team Klinsmann. And, without a doubt, there has been success: big wins in Europe (Italy and Germany come to mind), a decent showing at Copa America, getting out of a terrible group in 2014. But, boy, has there been some stinkers: basically everything else.

Of course, most recently it was the loss at home to Mexico and the embarrassing demolition on the road at the hands of Costa Rica that has nearly everybody calling for Klinsmann to get the boot. I haven’t really lost the anger and desire to see him fired over the last week like I thought I might. Ol’ Jurgen himself seems to be keen on keeping those coals hot for everyone.

The New York Times released a piece today that included Klinsmann’s reactions to all of it. For most of us, it’s the first time we have heard him address all the ire and rage and calls for his head.

He said some things that were fine and optimistic: “I’m not afraid…I still believe we will get the points we need to qualify, and I am even confident we could win the group.” That last bit is pie-in-the-sky horseshit, but, OK, nothing out of line really.

Klinsmann went on, though, with some stuff that was not so fine and was actually arrogant and insulting (more in-line with his true nature imo) re people wanting him to be sacked: “Soccer is emotional and a lot of people make conclusions without knowing anything about the inside of the team or the sport.”

Uh oh, stop right there, Klinsy. Before it’s too late!

“The fact is, we lost two games. There is a lot of talk from people who don’t understand soccer or the team.”

Oof. There it is. Anyone that criticizes him, even in the face of monumental incompetence, just doesn’t know soccer. All of us are stupid and ignorant for wanting him fired. Ironically, he admitted that he would probably have been fired a few different times already had he been coaching a national team on the level of a Germany or England.

Klinsmann could have tried to address some of the issues and given his long-term plan to right the ship. He could have acknowledged how horrendous these last two performances were. He could have asked the fans to stick with him, promising he would work his ass off to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Instead he went the petulant and snobbish route, insulting those who care most about his team and program.

There’s not much more that needs to be said about all of this. I’m done with Klinsmann. I think most USMNT fans are done with Klinsmann. I think most USMNT players are done with Klinsmann.

Unfortunately, I don’t think Sunil Gulati has the marbles to make the right decision. Here’s to hoping I’m wrong.

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Mallory Pugh provides much needed USMNT hangover relief

Mallory Pugh provides much needed USMNT hangover relief

The US U-20 Women’s National Team are currently participating in the Under-20 World Cup in Papua New Guinea. If you’re not following the competition: 1) quit being so sexist, and 2) you should start now (since the games are being played in the middle of the night they are difficult to watch live, but you can check the results and highlights on the internet, dummy).

After drawing in their first Group C match with France, the U-20s beat New Zealand early this morning 3-1. They currently sit atop the group with four points. A win or a draw against Ghana on Monday (1 AM ET, FS1) will see them through to the quarterfinals.

Many future USWNT stars are taking part in the tournament, as well as one player, speedy winger Mallory Pugh, who has already made an impact with the senior team. In the eighth minute of the match against New Zealand, Pugh showed why this will probably be her last “youth” competition.

GOLAZO-AZO-AZOOOOO. Pugh pick-sixes the hell out of New Zealand here. After the interception, she uses her blazing speed and good close control to blow by the defender, cutting inside and unleashing a beautiful near-post strike. The keeper has no chance.

It’s easy to see why she has already been contributing to the senior team. In 2016, Pugh has scored four goals in 12 games with the USWNT. If the U-20s go on to win the World Cup it will most likely be a result of the fine play of Mallory Pugh.

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The USMNT took a giant dump on the field last night, Klinsmann’s gotta go

The USMNT took a giant dump on the field last night, Klinsmann’s gotta go

Well, that was a swift kick to the nuggets. The USMNT were taken behind the woodshed last night by Costa Rica, losing 4-0.

In World Cup qualifying, teams look to win at home and draw on the road. Last night, however, the US needed a win at Costa Rica. They were beaten at home by Mexico for the first time in 40 years on Friday. To follow that up with their worst shutout loss in WCQ since 1957 – and their first loss by four goals since 1980 – is beyond indefensible. It’s beyond all comprehension.

As I vehemently argued over at FanSided, Jurgen Klinsmann needs to be unceremoniously dumped immediately. Now is the perfect time for a change; the USMNT doesn’t play another WCQ until March 2017. The calls for Bruce Arena have already begun, even before last night, and I think he is the best bet to turn this thing around. He’s been successful in the position before – leading the USA to their best World Cup finish ever in 2002 – and, from any conceivable viewpoint, would be miles better than Klinsmann, who has lost any semblance of control or leadership over this team.

For certain, Klinsmann is not the only problem currently maligning the US; the players must share some of the blame. They simply quit on that match last night. And I never want to see Timmy Chandler or John Brooks again (OK, maybe Brooks can come back, but like in a year or so). But even much of this can be laid at the feet of Klinsy – his penchant for constantly changing formations and tactics, for playing his players out of position, and for flat out not selecting the correct personnel continue to confuse and hamstring his squad.

Sunil Gulati, president of the USSF, has stated previously that Klinsmann would finish out this World Cup cycle. After last night, however, he must reconsider this position. Every single media outlet is calling for a change. The players certainty gave the impression that they no longer want to play for him. We all deserve better. The US simply cannot fail to qualify for Russia 2018. A change of leadership must happen, and it must happen now.

Let’s take a quick jog around Twitter for some reactions to last night, because I’m a sadomasochist:

Shut up. I’m not crying, you’re crying!

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