by Shaun (@slough44)
Boston is now in the front of the line for one of the biggest free agent signings in the past couple decades. Kevin Durant. My goodness, wouldn’t that be nice? May not happen, though. The Celtics now have some cap space, but so does half the league, given this notorious spike in the NBA salary cap. So the odds might be slim, but the biggest surprise to me has been, quite frankly, that they even have a chance. They’ve never had that before.
I didn’t feel like going to hunt for old articles to link to this post, and if you Google “Boston Celtics bad free agent market” you cannot even sniff what you’re looking for because the news is too packed with the fact that they are a big player in 2016. But historically, Boston has not been the best place to come play for an NBA free agent. Gun to my head, you ask me “Miami, Los Angeles, or Boston?” and it’ll take me quite a while to give you an answer. And that’s just chubby old me. Now imagine being an NBA superstar. It just is not going to happen.
But now here we are! Very exciting times. Now that it is the first of July, free agent season begins. So what will the Celtics pitch to Durant during their interview? God only knows, but we need to come up with some good ideas. There are plenty of things to pitch to an NBA all-star about this city. So rich in culture, food, the arts, history. You name it, Boston has it. I have put together a list of things that we can use to lure in Durantula.
COME TO BOSTON. WE HAVE:
Long Wharf is beautiful. Especially if you have children, Kevin. Do you have children? Ahhh it doesn’t matter – either way, between Legal Sea Foods, Tia’s, or the site-seeing at the end of the wharf, you’re going to love it. But here is the thing, Kevin – they have boats!
For just like $12 or something – not really sure – you can hop on one of the New England Aquarium’s cruise ships and head out of Boston Harbor and into the Atlantic to see some of nature’s most mystical creatures. Humpback whales, I think. They are lovely.
Now I’ll admit, I haven’t seen one in about six years. I think it was when I was chaperoning my kid’s field trip. But when I saw it, it was amazing. The whale blew water in the air. Then his tail came out of the water. ELECTRIC stuff. So much action over the course of like an hour and a half.
The boat is great, too. The cruise ship doubles as the public transportation ferry that commutes from Hingham and Hull – you probably will never visit there but that’s okay. So essentially, you get to maybe have a 1/6 chance of seeing a whale while sitting in the same booth someone prepared for a morning meeting in. So relaxing.
Kevin, these people will love you. Imagine the biggest Kappa Sigma frat party you ever attended at Texas. You probably walked through the back door, or hung out in the driveway, took a hundred pictures, and then left after one of your boys took a bottle of vodka out from behind the bar. That sounds like my ideal college party, by the way.
Okay, so take that, and multiply it by 2,000 people. THAT is Southie. You will fit right in, I promise. A 6’10”, nearly-30-year old, African-American from Washington D.C.? You are basically a regular there! It is a match made in heaven.
See, Kevin? PERFECT crowd to spend your Thursday night with.
You made it to Southie in the 21st-century as well, which will benefit you. It used to be all Irish people. Not only did they barely speak English, but they weren’t exactly… well they just weren’t very friendly. Nowadays, though, you have thousands of 25-year old former high school baseball studs that now work at State Street Financial as associates and voted for Trump because he “speaks his mind.” It is SO much more refreshing there now!
And the girls are top notch, too. You ever had Fireball Whiskey before? No? Well you will learn soon. Just don’t cheer openly for the Redskins or the Capitals or Texas or pretty much any athletic team on television ever when you’re at Stats Bar & Grille. We don’t need to be dealing with any concussions.
By the way, when you go to the beach, do you like water slightly above freezing? No? Alright let’s move on.
The Greater Boston Metropolitan area has them by the boatload. My two favorites are Nashoba Valley Ski Area in Westford, and Blue Hills Ski Area in Canton. The snow is so fluffy, and the views are gorgeous. At Nashoba, my favorite view is of the snow-covered outdoor tiki bar that is only open in the summers when you won’t be here and you’ll be at your house in Los Angeles.
You are an athlete. We all know that. So skiing will not be an issue at all. You can even get some snowboarding in the mix – trying to drag some knuckles and shred gnarly pow pow, man? Nahhhh, I’m just kidding. You know I’m kidding – this guy, he knows I’m a joker. That’s what we do here, we like to work hard and play hard here in Boston. You don’t get 17 banners in the rafters without working hard.
But anyways, back to skiing. It’s basically a smaller Breckenridge. It’s Aspen with some attitude. Boston loves to ski in the winter. Or just skitch on a trash can off the back of a bumper on a Subaru down Beacon Hill. Either way, find a way to enjoy the snow, because your entire season will be under snow cover. Oh, it doesn’t snow in Los Angeles or Miami? Didn’t know that.
The Freedom Trail
There is something truly awesome, like in the truest sense of the word, about wandering through a cemetery and seeing headstones and graves of some of the nameless founding fathers of this nation. I mean, these guys created this nation, and they died 230 years ago, so the cemetery isn’t in great shape – but still, just imagine it in your brain. And then you get to walk through the city, on broken cobblestone, for several miles, while you look at old churches that are really just bars and nightclubs now but at least the foundation is still in the ground.
Remember Paul Revere from history class? Yeah, he was captured like 15 miles from here in Concord but we can stand here in the middle of the street while our tour guide tells us the story. You won’t see it at all, but then again, you haven’t seen any of it. None of the Freedom Trail actually exists anymore. But it is still so wonderful to follow.
Okay, so that’s my pitch to Kevin. Four lockdown talking points to lure him here. I don’t think he can say “no,” frankly. If you have any other awesome ideas, share them with us. I can send them along to Danny Ainge because we both sat courtside at a Boston College basketball game one time so I basically have his e-mail address.
And by the way, for my money, I’m thinking Kevin Durant stays in Oklahoma City.
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